Young Writers Society

Hi! Cricket here for a review!


I'm so sorry for being so late in getting this review done. But now I am here, so hopefully everything is okay. It also has been a while since I've reviewed, so please forgive me if I'm a bit rusty.

There's definitely a great idea going here. And the title certainly fits the idea. I mean, what is more ideal for a man than this? And then to discover her gone and it all had been an illusion is even worse.

Granted, I do think this should have been a bit longer. Such as, you could have dragged it out with the dialogue a bit. Perhaps describe their surroundings, and the persons themselves? What would really help is describing their feelings, and more specifically, his feelings. He was kissing a woman, and then to find her suddenly gone is most likely the worst sensation ever. What is he feeling? If this was meant to be pulled back away from the characters a bit, then you did a good job, but still... there needs to be a bit more emotion coming from him. Most especially him, as we are supposed to be feeling his loss.

So why not start off with the basics? I find that trying to image yourself in your characters place is always helpful. What would you do put in that same circumstance? I'm a girl, so I'd get rather emotional I know. He's a man, so his reaction would be a little more restrained I would think. But nonetheless, he would be feeling the loss very deeply. Describe the tears running down his face more, perhaps bring the emotions that would be crossing his face. Once he finds that she's gone (the illusion) he will be confused, hurt, angry, ect.., Try and get all these emotions in, while still keeping the overall meaning across. xD Hope that made some sort of sense.

And now I'd like to point a few grammar mistakes that I noticed.

The snow was slowly falling ..... Quietly she stepped in front of him ... He smiled when their eyes meet .. She smiled back,then she gripped his hand and moved decisively forward ... Pulled he had no choice but to follow her in this wicked moment ...

The snow was slowly falling. Quietly she stepped in front of him. He smiled when their eyes meet. She smiled back,then she gripped his hand and moved decisively forward. Pulled he had no choice but to follow her in this wicked moment.

This, despite having a nice sentiment and some interesting language, felt a little stilted. Also, the use of .. throughout your piece was disturbing and not proper grammar. I would also recommend that your time was on a different line to your first sentence. Also, your dialogue should be on a different line to the rest... for example:

"When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears," she stopped, turned toward him and their eyes blend into one, "When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears," words echoed in his head as she slowly approached "And I held your hand through all of these years," she continued, "But you still have all of me" and now her face was inches from his,he felt the warmth of her breath on his face..She watched him with these large chestnut eyes full of tears ..As she continued to whisper, "You used to captivate me by your resonating light Now I'm bound by the life you left behind" One tear gently slieds down her pale cheek leaving the trail on the moonlight , "Your face it haunts my-once pleasant dreams your voice it chased away-all the sanity in me," she finished as he voice started to crack..
She embrace his face and moved her lips to his ... Their lips merge into one ... She put his arms around his hands into a tight hug .... They stood in silence whit eyes closed .. And then he felt her fregile figure decomposes under his fingers ... He was alone in the embrace of nothingness, in dead silence ..

Also, some of your punctuation and spelling is a bit off. I would recommend the site paperrater.com which provides a check on your vocab, grammar, spelling, word usage and much more.

This being said, there was some great imagery and your first sentence was very captivating. It hooked me in. This is a good base, it just needs some refining.

Hello.
Kanome here with a review as requested.

I love the emotional breakdown of the story. It lets the readers feel how the characters feel, which is a great element in any short story, novel, poem, and so on.
I love the way the character speaks her mind through song.
It makes me feel a connection with the character, which is also another good element in a story when it comes to writing.

Nitpicks:
- Personally, the continuous periods are not needed. I feel like it's just a waste of space that's all. It's only a suggestion, so don't take it to heart.

- There are a few words that are misspelled but you said in the description that English isn't your first language, so I will let it slide for now.

- There are a few punctuation errors in the story. Maybe adding a few commas at certain places can help the story flow even better.

- "04:48" I have no idea what this means, but can you explain to me what it is?

- I feel like the characters weren't explained enough. What do they look like? Make sure you give full-detailed description.

- Lastly, "He stood at a crossroad." This sentence can be removed from the beginning and placed somewhere else. It'll make the story flow better if you switch the sentences around a bit.

All in all, this is an amazing story. A little work needs to be done with it, but it's not bad for a first.
Keep up the great work.
I can't wait to read more, my friend.


Kanome

I LOVE IT ! iT SHOULD HAVE BEEN TALE OF A HEART BROKEN Man. The man is chanting sweet romantic rhymes for her lady love who had atleast dumped her or had till now not appered in his life. Hwever the tone of narration suggests tha she was sometime reality but now is a nervesoothing ilklusions in which the man wants to get lost as it pleases him and also brings the lost peace back to him. the poem no doubt is brilliant and shows ur incomparable writing skil;ls i am your fan i want to give u my email and get your 2.
sagnikk19@gmail.com
Give me yours one i am now a fan of urs.Keep writing romantic articles.congratulations on a good work

Nice mashing up together a song and a short story. I`m a fan of the *song* you used here but i forgot its title I think it`s really cool with its uniqueness. I found it new since I never read a story that uses a song as somewhat its reference. Really unique, though I think you should hone your storytelling skills more, it seemed like sort of bland but not very bland bland, just a little bland. Still, please do continue writing like this one! You somehow inspired me to incorporate songs on my works (hope you`ll not mind and I hope it isn`t a form of plagiarism)

Hey BlackCrow

It's Joe here to the reviewing rescue!

(First let me start with a question. Are you a simpsons fan cuz I love them! If you go to my wall you'll find a whole bunch of simpson memes.)

Now on to the story. This is a very interesting piece. The rhyme and rhythm has me thinking that you could have easily structured this as a poem and presented it as just that. In fact it might be a bit smoother if there were stanza breaks, but then again it's kind of neat to have a rhythmic short story... I'm on the fence about this one.

Now, there is odd thing going on here for punctuation. There's a lot of "..." but I find that adds to the story. Almost like the narrator is immersed in thought. Anyway this is my problem:

"You used to captivate me by your resonating light Now I'm bound"

The 'N' should not be capitalised

' "You used to captivate me by your resonating light Now I'm bound by the life you left behind" One tear gently '

There is a lack of punctuation after "left behind"

Aside from this your story is great. Hope this helped

Joe Smoe