Today is the month of June, day 19, and year 2015. Today was the day after I finally graduated out of North High School as I start preparing myself for some fun times with my friends and college as well. My 4 years in that school was full of teen dramas and fights…I just hope I don’t encounter any of them by the time I move into college…
A week later…
Date: June 26, 2015
Place: My neighborhood (Torrance, CA)
Time: 8:58:00pm
After celebrating the 5-year anniversary of my relationship with Sarah along with our other friends, Muhammad generously decided on dropping me off home.
“Thanks for dropping me off home, dude.” I thanked Muhammad.
“Don’t sweat it. You and Sarah really make a cute couple.”
“Yeah, we get that a lot…”
“Victor, can I ask you something?”
“Sure, what is it?” I received a text, and I unlocked my phone to check the message.
“Why do you always have that white bear with you?”
“Well, it’s a funny story. You see—Oh no…” My explanation was interrupted as soon as I read through the text message I just got from my Maria.
“What’s wrong?”
“Muhammad, I need you to drive faster. Something happened to my home!”
“Okay, hold on tight.”
Muhammad drove the both of us faster. After Muhammad head west, we see my house surrounded by police cars and my neighbors.
“Oh, shit…Victor, what happened!?”
“I don’t know! Muhammad, I’ll explain everything to you about this tomorrow if I get the chance,”
“Alright, but be careful!”
I grabbed my backpack, and I got out of Muhammad’s car as I closed it. I ran to my house as I see my sister sitting on the grass.
“Maria!” I shouted.
Maria looks up front, and she sees me running to her.
“Victor!” Maria shouted back. She ran up to me, and hugged me.
“Thank goodness you’re safe…” She said.
“Sis, what happened?”
“Someone robbed us…”
“What?”
“Excuse me, do you know her?”
Maria and I both looked back, and we see a police officer walking up to us.
“He lives with me, officer.” Maria answered the policeman’s question for me.
“I see. Young man, I would like to ask you a few questions. May you please come with me?”
“Uhhh, okay…”
“Be safe, Victor.”
“I will.”
I walked up to the police officer.
“I didn’t do anything wrong, officer. I just came here,”
“Okay, but do you recognize this girl?”
The policeman brings out a picture inside a Ziploc bag. The picture had a little girl holding onto a white bear in it. The white bear she was holding onto looked so familiar, so I quickly opened up my bag. From my bag, I pulled out a white bear. I soon remembered who that girl in the picture was.
“Yes sir. Her name is Jenna Torres, but that was her back in Elementary School.”
“You two came from the same school?”
“Yeah, we both came from Wood Elementary School. But the last time I saw her was back in 1st grade. Did anyone tell you about me?”
“Yes. Victor, do you remember Carlos and Rosa?”
The two names the police officer mentioned made me remember my two best friends back in Wood Elementary School. I never saw them again after we graduated out of that school.
“Yeah,”
“I’ve heard that the three of you guys had sort of a close communication with Jenna Torres at that time. Would you mind explaining to me what happened?”
I’m not so sure if Maria and I will be safe if I refuse, so I had to say yes. If I explain to him everything about him, he and the other officers can capture who that burglar was.
“Sure. It all happened back in 2nd grade…”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Happy review day, DeepCrystal here to give a review!!!
I saw a LOT of dialogue in this chapter. Not that there was anything wrong with that, but personally, I like to see a fair balance between dialogue and description and the balance in this chapter is leaning precariously towards the former. I'd to see how these characters expressed themselves. What are they doing as they speak to each other? And in some places, I thought that you could have combined paragraphs where the same people were speaking. Unless it is a different topic and must be placed in a separate paragraph, you only really need to begin a new one when someone else begins speaking. Well, anyway this was a good fresh start. And again, Happy Review Day!
Hey there!!!! Cricket here for a review!!!
hmmmm, not sure if this should be a prologue but whatever it is you did AN AWESOME JOB!!! Very good flow and pretty good with your vocabulary. I do think that you need to work on, using more thought and less dialogue.
Like this. Almost all dialogue,and basically no thought. We need to know his emotions and we can't know him very well with just dialogue.So just a thought there.
For grammar I think you did pretty good, but I would suggest running through and checking it over. I did notice a couple of parts where commas are needed. But that's it for that.
OK, that's it!!!i I really hoped I helped!!!
Such a mysteriously amazing story! I would love to see the rest of it! Perhaps send me links so I can review it?
Awesome!
Anyways, there's only one problem I had, and that was the ending. Why didn't Victor ask the police officer why they needed to know about his past years? Why didn't Victor question why the POLICE of all people would want to know about the story of a girl and her teddy bear?
That's just a thought there, and I hope you'll edit this prologue to provide a more realistic approach.
That's it!
Keep writing! <3