Hello!
RandomTalks here with a short review!
First Impressions:
This was a very interesting story. I really liked the visuals you have provided us from the very beginning. Even if we had no idea about what was going on, you were able to create genuine emotions and you were able to make us feel them as well. From the very beginning there was this feeling of anticipation in the air. You created a really tense environment and kept us hanging on the edge of the thread, waiting and wondering what is going to happen next.
Your descriptions were wonderful. They engaged our imagination and at the same time left us wondering. It created a sense of mystery about the story. We do not know what is going on, but your powerful imageries and descriptions keep us on edge all the time. The main character seems to be on a mission to rescue her mother and I love the way you have portrayed her feelings. I could feel her nerves, her anticipation and the sense of dread with which she enters the door. We can tell that she is about do something big, that is perhaps going to change her life forever. And once again, you leave us in anticipation to find out what is going on.
Even the ending creates a similar kind of feeling. We are aware that we were just a part of a great ride, but we have no idea about the journey or where it has lead us. Yu have successfully kept the entire plot under a mysterious shroud, but unless you plan to expand on this story and publish other parts, you kind of left us hanging with that ending.
Terra takes a step back and keeps the filter at her fingertips, ready to let it drop at any moment.
For some reason, the name of the character changed to 'Terra' here in place of 'Teal'. I cannot understand if this was an honest mistake, or one made with intention.
“Wipe the blood off your own hands before telling me to be careful.”
For some reason, I really liked this line. It creates an impactful effect and increases the tension of the moment rather perfectly. I liked how despite her nerves, the main character never backed down from her mission.
Things you can improve:
This was an interesting short story, except it did not feel like a short story to me. You have all the ingredients for a novel here, and I personally think it will work much better as a novel. However, if we want to view it as a short story, we really do not have enough background information to understand what is going on. We follow the main character and we jump at the exciting parts, but its more like watching a sequel without having any idea of what happened before. For example, we have no idea who this character is, what she is doing, or why she id doing this. You mention that her mother is in danger, but we do not even know the woman or what danger she is supposed to be in. Its the same with the chest and the crystal. We can tell that it somehow plays a very important role in the story, but they are just words to us. We do not know why it is so important or why everybody is so nervous about it. As a result, the story does not create that much of an impact. Because we do not know what is happening, we do not feel the emotions you have so wonderfully captured through your writing.
Its like watching everything take place from the other side of a glass wall. We can see what is happening, we get excited and impatient to see what is going to happen next, but we cannot genuinely invest ourselves in it. We do not feel the dread, the nerves and the fear at the consequences of whatever happened in the end.
I think if you give a brief summary of what is going on at the beginning or provide us even a little bit of information about this world, your readers will be better able to navigate themselves around this new world you have introduced to them. They will be able to form independent opinions on the character and the plot, understand what is going on and they will feel apart of the journey as well. Otherwise they will get frustrated and lost, and the entire story will just become another hit and miss.
That's all!
Keep writing and have a great day!
Points: 82352
Reviews: 659
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