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Young Writers Society



Shades of Despair

by Black Ghost


_____

Stickiness. Her arms and legs are covered with it. She touches her face; the dark liquid runs down her cheeks. She stares at her hands. They are dripping with blood. She throws her head back and screams into the darkened heavens. But her cries are muffled by blankets of darkness. The blood becomes thick like oil, and in the sky greasy rainbows swirl together with the unending grief that tortures her soul. These shades of despair rain down upon her.

_____

Chapter One

Teal stands in front of a large steel door, its surface rusted and peeling. She digs inside her pocket for the small piece of paper with the access codes on it. She unfolds it, and begins punching the numbers into a key pad near the door.

The frigid air nips her skin as she pushes enter. A green light flicks to life on the pad, and Teal hears the door unlock. This is it. No second thoughts, no hesitation.

The door is aged, but surprisingly, it opens smoothly. A dimly lit hallway meets her eyes. The silence is unsettling. At its end there is a door—her nightmare is made real.

Teal stops short as she nears it. Her past promises echo back to her. Her mother…could this finally be it?

Teal pulls the door open, holding her breath. This is her defining moment. What lies inside this room could mean her salvation—or doom.

She enters the forgotten room—it is bare with fading white walls. In the center of the room lies a chest. Teal’s hairs stand on end as she approaches it. The chest is deep red—stained with blood. She kneels down and sees there is no way to open it. It is whole, with no break in its structure. Teal hears her hopes wail.

Studying the chest more closely, she finds something. There is a small oval shaped crystal embedded in the chest’s surface. It contains a dark liquid that is almost black, yet with a tint of deep crimson.

Teal reaches her hand out and lightly touches the hollow crystal. She immediately feels a strong sense of dread wash over her. But it is not due to the crystal.

“It’s not your fault,” comes an ominous voice from behind her. “I should have kept a closer eye on those idiots I call minions.”

Teal turns. Standing before her is tall man dressed in white, with untamed hair to match. His eyes are bloodshot and menacing, and he looks aged beyond death.

“Still,” he says, raising a silver pistol. “You must have been pretty determined to be able to find this place at all. Too bad it was in vain.”

Teal is speechless as she stares into the barrel of his gun. She has heard rumors, but she could never believe that this monster could be real. The Purger, they call him. A fitting name.

“Now step away from the chest and maybe I won’t kill you.”

Teal raises her hands above her head and backs way. The Purger grabs the chest from the floor and grips it tightly.

“Good little girl,” he says, adjusting it in his arms. “Now I’ll just have to find a new place to hide this.” But then his countenance changes. The Purger frowns. He takes his eyes off Teal for a brief moment to glance down at the chest. His eyes widen as he turns back to her.

“The filter,” he says, voice breaking.“What have you done with it?”

Teal stays calm. She lowers her hands down by her sides and allows the oval shaped crystal to drop out of her sleeve and into her curled fingers.

“You mean this?” she says hesitantly, raising it to eye level.

“Give it to me or have a healthy dose of lead,” he says seething, cocking his gun. Teal tries not to tremble. Her heart beats rapidly in her fear.She allows the small crystal to dangle from her fingertips.

“I’ll drop it,” she warns, keeping eye contact with the Purger.

He flinches.

“How did you know it could shatter?”

“You just told me.”

The Purger growls with frustration.

“Look, you brat,” he spits, stepping closer. “Just hand over the filter to me before you do something highly regrettable.”

Terra takes a step back and keeps the filter at her fingertips, ready to let it drop at any moment.

“I came here for my mother,” she says, trying to sound more confident than she felt.

“I know what you came here for,” says the Purger. “Now give me the filter.”

Teal feels her back touch the wall. There is nowhere else to go.

“I don’t care about what happens to me,” she says, breathing heavily. “I came here to save my mother. If you won’t free her, you can shoot me. I’ll have dropped it before you pulled the trigger.”

“You and I both know that’s a lie,” he says, narrowing his eyes. “Right now you are very afraid to die. And you need to realize this is much bigger than you or your mother. You could be putting countless lives at stake.”

“You take lives every day,” snaps Teal, her voice rising. “Wipe the blood off your own hands before telling me to be careful.”

The Purger laughs.

“Don’t pretend you know the game, kid,” he says, a demonic smile playing at his lips. “Because the ignorance will cost you.”

Outside, the sound of police sirens suddenly breaks the tension. The Purger’s smile fades.

“You called the police here?” he yells. “I never dreamed you’d be that stupid.”

“No,” she stammers. “I—I didn’t.”

The sirens grow louder. Teal can hear the screech of tires as the cars come to a halt outside the abandoned building.

“Last chance,” he says, taking another step towards her. “I don’t think you’re any good to your mother dead.”

Her mind races. Teal can’t let him leave with the chest. She may never see it again.

“Here,” says Teal, and throws the crystal into the air above the Purger’s head.

“No!” he screams. The Purger throws both the gun and the chest to floor and reaches his hands out in desperation.

Teal dives for the chest that lies near the Purger’s feet. She grasps it with both hands and rolls to get back on her feet. But she bumps into something. The Purger. She feels him trip over her legs. The Purger falls to his back, screaming in anger.

The room resonates with the shattering of glass.

Teal feels the Purger trembling on top of her. A sickening screech pierces her ears like needles. Dark mist forms at her fingertips. It is at first a small wisp, but soon expands into a poisonous fog. Soon Teal finds herself in darkness. A sickening and terrible fear causes her to scream.

Something claws at her face in the confusion. She feels the Purger’s hot breath on her neck.

“I don’t think you’ll ever comprehend just what you’ve unleashed.”

A gunshot. Hot blood flows from her body. Teal lays there, screams of hell torturing her senses. But her heart remains beating. The wails mingle with her own cries of grief as her world blackens completely.

****

Yay, my attempt at writing in present tense! I actually quite like it, it's like a friend I never had...or something. :? Any and all comments are greatly appreciated. :P


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659 Reviews


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Sat Apr 09, 2022 10:23 pm
RandomTalks wrote a review...



Hello!

RandomTalks here with a short review!

First Impressions:

This was a very interesting story. I really liked the visuals you have provided us from the very beginning. Even if we had no idea about what was going on, you were able to create genuine emotions and you were able to make us feel them as well. From the very beginning there was this feeling of anticipation in the air. You created a really tense environment and kept us hanging on the edge of the thread, waiting and wondering what is going to happen next.

Your descriptions were wonderful. They engaged our imagination and at the same time left us wondering. It created a sense of mystery about the story. We do not know what is going on, but your powerful imageries and descriptions keep us on edge all the time. The main character seems to be on a mission to rescue her mother and I love the way you have portrayed her feelings. I could feel her nerves, her anticipation and the sense of dread with which she enters the door. We can tell that she is about do something big, that is perhaps going to change her life forever. And once again, you leave us in anticipation to find out what is going on.

Even the ending creates a similar kind of feeling. We are aware that we were just a part of a great ride, but we have no idea about the journey or where it has lead us. Yu have successfully kept the entire plot under a mysterious shroud, but unless you plan to expand on this story and publish other parts, you kind of left us hanging with that ending.

Terra takes a step back and keeps the filter at her fingertips, ready to let it drop at any moment.

For some reason, the name of the character changed to 'Terra' here in place of 'Teal'. I cannot understand if this was an honest mistake, or one made with intention.

“Wipe the blood off your own hands before telling me to be careful.”

For some reason, I really liked this line. It creates an impactful effect and increases the tension of the moment rather perfectly. I liked how despite her nerves, the main character never backed down from her mission.

Things you can improve:

This was an interesting short story, except it did not feel like a short story to me. You have all the ingredients for a novel here, and I personally think it will work much better as a novel. However, if we want to view it as a short story, we really do not have enough background information to understand what is going on. We follow the main character and we jump at the exciting parts, but its more like watching a sequel without having any idea of what happened before. For example, we have no idea who this character is, what she is doing, or why she id doing this. You mention that her mother is in danger, but we do not even know the woman or what danger she is supposed to be in. Its the same with the chest and the crystal. We can tell that it somehow plays a very important role in the story, but they are just words to us. We do not know why it is so important or why everybody is so nervous about it. As a result, the story does not create that much of an impact. Because we do not know what is happening, we do not feel the emotions you have so wonderfully captured through your writing.

Its like watching everything take place from the other side of a glass wall. We can see what is happening, we get excited and impatient to see what is going to happen next, but we cannot genuinely invest ourselves in it. We do not feel the dread, the nerves and the fear at the consequences of whatever happened in the end.

I think if you give a brief summary of what is going on at the beginning or provide us even a little bit of information about this world, your readers will be better able to navigate themselves around this new world you have introduced to them. They will be able to form independent opinions on the character and the plot, understand what is going on and they will feel apart of the journey as well. Otherwise they will get frustrated and lost, and the entire story will just become another hit and miss.

That's all!

Keep writing and have a great day!




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Tue Jun 19, 2007 4:31 pm
fbigoats says...



I liked it. The descriptions were vivid and... that's all I can think of. :D Good work!




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Tue Jun 19, 2007 1:05 am
greenjay wrote a review...



Good. Another interesting and suspenseful mystery! I don't know what is going on so you'll have to write more :P. I don't really have much to say about it except what I have already said. So...cool, good job!

-Greenjay

P.S.: I ought to try present tense some time. I didn't even notice it in your story until you mentioned it at the end, but when I went back and looked I noticed that it did give a more spooky, realistic feel. You should try this more often!





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