Mike Braush slowly made his way through the winding path in the woods. He was a 21 year old college student from Iowa. He was on summer break, and had decided to travel up to Canada, for hiking through the deep, and vast woods. He was about 5'7", with a well built body from playing baseball all through high school. He had jet black hair, and scattered freckles, which his mother had referred to on occasions, "human sprinkles" (he let his mother call them this, but inside, he found what she called them to be in a way cannibalistic). His eyes were a light, creamy blue, which he found made most girls who were talking to him actually try not to look directly at his eyes. That day, he was wearing grey sweatpants, and a light blue tee.
He was a hiker, all right. He went on his first hike in the first grade with his teacher Ms. Daggel. She had taken them on a nature walk, and had asked them to draw with a pencil everything they found that was in their mind beautiful. But instead of Mike finding something to draw, he found a stick. A thick, bark covered stick. And for some reason, he fell in love with it, instantly. It was taller than him than, but he didn't care, he used it. He used it as a walking stick, for the rest of the walk. When Ms. Daggel asked him to leave behind at the end of the hike, he broke down, and begged to keep it. She couldn't bear to let this first grader cry like that, so she let him keep it.
Mike used that stick for another five years, up until the sixth grade, when he realized what a hiking stick should be like. So using the pocket knife his father had given him for Christmas, he whittled off all the remaining bark on the stick (all the rest had been worn off, from the constant use). He finished the whittling within five minutes, for his skill came from his repeated practice in Boys Scouts. After he finished whittling (the stick had a perfectly cylinder shape, and had a groove engraved in it, for a hand-hold), he used sandpaper to make it unbelievably smooth. He then considered boosting the stick's grip, so he mounted a small, metal spike on the bottom of the stick, when he was in eight grade.
And that stick, was the one he was using this day.
He soon opened into a clearing, where the ground was all rock, with scattered dead grass, pine needles, dirt and pebbles. The clearing over looked a wide area of woods, where a low fog hung in the air, because it was still around 8:45 am. He walked over to a large rock, and sat down. He first set his hiking stick on the rock, and then swung his black Camelbak pack around to the ground, where he unzipped it. He took out a ham sandwich, and a large bottle of water. He sighed and looked out to the forest below the clearing's ledge. He smiled, thinking that he'll be able to conquer any trail he wants. He unwrapped the sandwich from the cling wrap, and took a bite, and swallowed. It was a simple sandwich, but it was good enough for him. Mike didn't need much to please him, only his family, friends, and his hiking.
He went to take another bite of his sandwich, but stopped when he heard a rustle in some brush behind him. He turned around, and saw nothing. So he went back to taking in the amazing view, and took another bite of his sandwich. He heard a stick snap, and this time he stood, and turned around. Still nothing. He went to finish his sandwich, and maybe eat the extra one, when he realized, water. That was what he needed first. He picked up the bottle of water, unscrewed the cap, and he lifted it to his mouth. He started to drink, when he felt a discomfort. He continued drinking, but slowly turned around. He started to stand, and turn, but all of a sudden he felt like a freight train had just ran him over.
He went flying backwards, off of the large rock, and onto the rocky ground, stomach first. His water went flying as well, spinning around, water flying in all directions, soaking him. He landed extremely hard, and felt something jab into the front of his right shoulder. He grunted and winced, as something deeply clawed into his back. Mike rolled around quickly, and saw what was on him, a cougar. It growled at him, and swiped its paw at him, ripping his cheek open. He tried to knee it in the gut, but it did almost nothing, and only growled louder. It lounged it's head with insane speed at him, but he raised a fist, smashing into its head, right above the eyes. It blinked quickly, and then continued it's attack.
Mike had almost no clue what to do. He had studied nearly every way to get out of a hiking disaster, but he had not yet started to read about one topic. Animal attacks. Before he could think, the cougar ripped it's claws through his stomach, while it lunged at his face. A cold pain went all throughout his body, and he winced. He raised his hand in front of his face, and grabbed the cougar's throat. The cougar tried to push forward, but Mike put his other hand out as well and began to choke the cougar. And as he chocked the cougar, he pushed it away with as much as his beaten body could handle. He looked away for a moment, to see if there was something to grab, but he made a wrong choice.
The cougar turned its head violently, and chomped down with great force onto Mike's left lower arm. He screamed as the cougar's teeth sliced through his skin as though it was butter, and ripped backwards. He let go of the cougar, and crawled over to his walking stick, and grabbed it. The cougar lunged at him, but he swung the stick, and it hit the cougar square in the face. But the spike had hit the cougar as well, ripping open its forehead. It backed away slowly, growling. And then it turned, and ran back into the brush.
Mike slowly, and painfully sat up. He waited with his stick for a few minutes to see if the cougar was gone, and relief flooded through him as he realized it was gone. He reached out with his right arm to grab his pack, and look for anything to help him, but instead screamed in agony. He looked at his shoulder, and saw that a sharp rock, the size of a gum ball had went stabbed him in his fall. The rock was still there, and he wanted it out. He reached over with his other arm to take it out, but saw what happened to that hand. Where the cougar had bitten him, a fist sized piece of flesh had been ripped off, and blood was pouring out like mad. He looked away and almost hurled. He realized what the cougar could have done to the rest of his body, so he scanned over himself. He was caked with thick, dark red blood. And stuck to all the blood was dirt, and dead pine needles.
He gasped at the damage the cougar had done. He knew had to some how stop his bleeding, and wash the wounds. But moving was extremely painfully, and he was already feeling lightheaded and tired, undoubtedly from the blood loss. He slowly took off his shirt, and wrapped it around his lower left arm, and tightened a knot with his mouth. He needed water. He wanted it more for drinking, not as much for washing, for that would take up too much water. He scanned the area, and saw the water bottle, but it had all spilled out onto the rocks, forming a small puddle. Mike didn't hesitate to try and drink it. He crawled over using his left arm only (it was the only one he could move properly, yet it caused him a great deal of pain). He reached the puddle, dipped his lips in, and slurped it up. Dirt, and grass went down his throat along with the water, but it was better than nothing.
He crawled back to his stick, and picked it up, then using it to help him stand up. He felt a light breeze flutter across his chest, stinging him bad. He looked down to see scratch, after scratch, after scratch on him. He still couldn't get over how he was literally covered in blood, it was something from a book. He then started to use the stick as a crutch and slowly limped along the path. He knew at this rate, it would take him maybe fifteen minutes to get to the truck (it was a rather short hike for him, he could have jogged it in five minutes). So he sped up his pace a bit, but it caused more aches and pains than before.
His thoughts were focused on living, yet he knew that any animal could smell his blood, and if he were to be attacked, he would have no chance of living. He continued his steady limp down the path, but it seemed like a year to him. His blood continually streamed down him, as if it would never stop. In about five minutes, he had a large headache, he was extremely lightheaded and dizzy. He ached all over, and felt like killing himself would be best. He felt stupid to come alone, yet he preferred to hike alone.
When Mike was feeling like he was about to give in, he turned a corner in the path, and saw his red Toyota. Hope instantly gave him more speed, but in a moment it was all gone. In an instant everything faded to dark, and he felt his body fall to the ground, limp. He felt lifeless, and he wanted so bad to be able to say good bye to his loved ones. He tried to crawl further, he was ten yards from his truck, but he went still, fading in and out, dark, to light, back an forth. And soon, he knew nothing more.
Because Mike Braush was dead.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,855 Reviews
Hey there, Bivrax!
I won’t be too crazy with nitpicks, actually I don’t think I’ll worry with nitpicks at all seeing as how Rascalover did a wonderful job of finding a majority of the grammatical errors.
But as an overall, I think you did a pretty wonderful job with your grammar which is a great start for any writer. Right now, though, you should really focus on finding your style as a writer. Every writer is different, obviously. Kurt Vonnegut is a very humorous fellow in a lot of what he writes and that humor reads through the way he puts his words together. The same applies to Ray Bradbury, J.K. Rowling, and even Stephanie Meyer. You can find certain things that they do as writers that are unique to them. You’re still young of course and that being said, you have plenty of time to find your niche when you write.
One thing to really watch out for is bulky writing. You use a lot of description which is called “telling” and what you want to do is “show.” You won’t want to give away everything at once, for instance, like in the first paragraph where you spend the bulk of it describing Mike. Try and spread it throughout the story. Maybe mentioning his build at the beginning but then using the flashback scene about finding his hiking stick to describe his eyes and hair. It spreads it out so readers aren’t trying to read and learn it all at once. Check out this wonderful article by CastlesInTheSky, Show and Tell for some extra tips and tricks on avoiding “telling” because, I’ll be honest, I’m not the best person to have filling you in on show and tell. >.<
Overall, though, you’ve got a nice story idea in the works and at twelve (and I don’t mean to sound condescending or anything like that I’ve just been doing this a while) this is pretty good. If you have any questions though, feel free to ask me.
~your friendly neighborhood lilymoore
I was hoping this day would never come. The day I just must dissect someone's story. On the contrary, to my belief, I am pumped to be doing this, so here we go:
This is like one of those 3 year olds stories that ends with The 3nd!! Come on, use some creative energy and come up with other words.
Thank you so much! I actually don't write that much, if you can believe me. I'm only pretty good because the stories are always in my mind, but it's hard for me to type/write them out. And this is what the result is when I can get them out. Once again, thanks!
Hi Bivrax, I'm here to review as requested.
Okay... first thing I gotta say is WOW!! You writing is great, too good for a 13 year old, this is entertaining and obviously you are really intelligent. You have caught me off guard, kid! Really!
Just some nitpicks:
That beautiful seems out of place, maybe you wanted to put a comma before it? Check it out!
I believe you meant then.
Throwing tantrums,eh? Spoiled child! *shakes head, disappointed* Haha... just kidding!
So many He's are annoying and makes the reader get bored, you could replace it by other ways of call him, like for example "The boy...".
Great descriptive sentences. I can imagine it greatly. xD
Spoiler
I would replace the red period for a semicolon.
This is worded amazingly!
I would take off the Because, because... lol, that way it would be a more DRAMATIC end. xD
Amazing writing! Awesome job! Never Stop!
~Solvy #00BFFF "><3
Thanks! I can see where you pointed out I can improve, and I agree. I also expected all those grammar issues. Thanks for the review, again!
Hey.
I will start out with the nit-picks of grammar then give you an overall impression of what I thought of your piece. Now on to the meat of your review:
Thanks for requesting a review
This can be a sentence, and it doesn't have to be in parenthesis. Personally, I think it's a very weird tidbit, but if it's apart of your character than I guess it's ok.
The all right should be taken out of this sentence. It doesn't add anything to it, and it's kind of confusing because you quickly jump to this after describing what he looks like, and in my mind as a reader I'm thinking, Who said he wasn't a hiker?
Never start a sentence with a conjunction (For, And, Nor, But, Or, Yet, So) because conjunctions are used to combine sentences, and when you put it on the front of your sentence it makes it a fragment instead of a complete sentence. To fix it this time you can just take but out and capitalize the I in instead.
This is not a complete sentence. To make it one lower case a and add It to the beginning of this fragment.
Never use a conjunction at the beginning of a sentence. Take it out and capitalize the f in for.
He used it. That is a complete sentence so instead of putting a comma after care you need to put a semi-colon (;). Semi-colons are used to combine two complete sentences with similar ideas.
You don't need the comma after down because begged to keep it is not a complete sentence.
Can a stick, realisticly, last that long? Who would keep a stick in their house for that long?
Never use a conjunction to begin a sentence, take out the word so and capitalize the u in using. You shouldn't need to use parenthesis in a sentence, use commas. Put a comma after stick and take out the word all and also take out the ending parenthesis.
Avoid using parenthesis at all cost. For me it's a distraction from the storyline, and if whatever you are saying is important to the plot then just make it apart of your story using commas. Re-work this sentence trying to not use parenthsis, and try not to make it a run-on sentence.
Don't use conjunctions in the beginning of your sentences. Just take out the word and and capitalize the T in that.
To fix the, starting your sentence with a conjunction, problem you'll need to remove the comma after around, and replace the period after nothing with a comma and lower case so. Then remove the comma after view because took another bite of his sandwich is not a complete sentence.
Remove the comma after stood because turned around is not a complete sentence.
This is not a complete sentence. I know some authors may use this as a personal style, but I don't think it looks good grammar wise, so I think I would just point it out.
Never start a sentence with a conjunction. Just take it out and capitalize as.
He looked away for a moment, to see if there was something to grab, but he made a wrong choice.
This is a run-on sentence. To fix this replace the comma and word and after stick with a semi-colon.
Never start a sentence with a conjunction. Just take it out and capitalize the work the.
As you can see by adding the word (conjunction) and to the beginning of this sentence you made yourself a run-on sentence. A run-on sentence isn't good because it gives the reader no place to take a breath or complete the thought. Take the word and out and capitalize the word then.
Since we never start a sentence with a conjunction replace the period after blood with a comma and lower case and.
Adding the conjunction but to the beginning of this sentence creates a run-no sentence, take it away and capitalize the word moving.
Avoid using parenthesis at all cost. The information in the parenthesis can be a sentence by itself so just remove the parenthesis and capitalize it. Also add a period after only.
Because makes this sentence a fragment. Take because out and it makes this sentence have more ending.
Overall: The only thing I truelly liked about this story was the ending. It had style and made me believe in the character. This has potential to be a really good story, but it needs reworking. In the beginning while you tell us about Mike and how he began to like hiking you tell us everything, never showing us. It creates a boring story because the reader can't use his or her imagination.
Telling: It was cold outside.
Showing: My breath stood in the wind, and I shook in my clothes. I could see iceicles form at the cliff of my nose.
Tell me, which would you rather read?
The beginning is alot of info dumping, try to disperse this information through out the story. For example while Mike is fighting the cougar you can explain how Mike looks compared to the cougar, giving us some of the information that you just through at us in the beginning. While i read the beginning I thought to myself that this was really long and drawn out, boring even, not much of a plot. The beginning seems like a totally different story than the story about Mike fighting the cougar. Try to incorporate it, so that it completes the story. The cougar needs alot more details and description. how is Mike feeling? What does his cuts and gashes look like? Does the cougar look majestic or savage-like? Also, Mike would not only wince after being bite and clawed by a cougar, give more realistic details to this scene. You need to maybe research what a cougar attack looks like and how a victims body can be mangled because I am sure that after all that trama Mike would not be conscious enough to go to almost make it to his car, let alone fight the cougar off. It needs a total reworking. Re-read your word so that other reviewers can focus on the plot and character developement and not have to worry about mulitple grammar mistakes : ). Take the tools I have given you and rewrite this. If you have any questions please PM me.
Have a great day,
Tiffany