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18+ Language Violence Mature Content

Crying for help

by Bitty


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.

Maybe we shouldn't be doing this... maybe this is wrong, the boy with scented clothing said... 

Caught in between feeling something she has never felt before, and to be right or wrong, she simply, gestured the man to continue... That choice she made at that very moment, would have changed her life forever...

The week flies by when your young, it's school, daycare, then dinner time... no bedtime stories for little Maria... no closed doors, just two parents that did all they could to brighten her day... No real communication occurred... I mean what can you really talk about with a child under five...

Scattering through distant memories in this thing called a brain, little Maria arrives on time in a place from 1997, her sweet mother is cooking dinner as she always did and her dad was in the shower, unwinding from a long day of work.... With no way to really throw up the feelings that she had inside, from the fingers that touched her in ways that turned her little tummy upside down... she pulls a knife out on her mother from the dishwasher.... Oh how mother didn't even look surprised, she let her put the tip of that sharp knife against her tummy, and little Maria started to cry... what was she doing, where was she going with this... Would this be the end, or just the beginning...  


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271 Reviews


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Thu Aug 10, 2017 7:43 pm
rosette wrote a review...



Hello Bitty!
I hope you're doing fantastic today. This is a little overdue, but Welcome to the YWS!

To be honest, I keep having to re-read this, because I feel as if I'm not getting the point you're trying to make. It's puzzling. Also, as the reviewer under me mentioned, you use ellipses much too frequently. But I'll be trying to focus more on the content of what you have here, than the grammar.

Maybe we shouldn't be doing this... maybe this is wrong, the boy with scented clothing said... 
Caught in between feeling something she has never felt before, and to be right or wrong, she simply, gestured the man to continue... That choice she made at that very moment, would have changed her life forever...

The first thing here that caught my attention was you used "boy" in that first sentence, then "man" later on. Boy and Man suggest two completely different things, yet it is the same person here, right? So why the different references? You're making it sound like there was a boy in scented clothing AND a man.
Secondly, I put "would have" in bold, because it doesn't make sense in this context. "Would have" typically refers to a missed opportunity in the past. That is not the case here. I think what you meant to say was "That choice she made at that very moment, would change her life forever."

The week flies by when your young, it's school, daycare, then dinner time... no bedtime stories for little Maria... no closed doors, just two parents that did all they could to brighten her day... No real communication occurred... I mean what can you really talk about with a child under five...

This whole paragraph contradicts itself, because of what I highlighted there. If her parents did ALL they could to brighten her day, communication would occur, there would be bedtime stories for Maria, they would find a way to talk with their five-year-old. That last question kind of ate at me the wrong way, I'll admit. I think there are plenty of things you can talk about with someone so young. Five-year-olds have fascinating minds.

Scattering through distant memories in this thing called a brain, little Maria arrives on time in a place from 1997, her sweet mother is cooking dinner as she always did and her dad was in the shower, unwinding from a long day of work....

This sentence baffled me. It makes it sound like she was time traveling.
With no way to really throw up the feelings that she had inside, from the fingers that touched her in ways that turned her little tummy upside down... she pulls a knife out on her mother from the dishwasher....

And THIS threw me so off. I mistakenly thought that beginning paragraph was grown-up Maria with her lover. Especially since the boy in scented clothing is saying, "maybe we shouldn't be doing this", as if she helped bring it to pass. Then, she gestures for him to continue - what five-year-old would do that?? And now her tummy is turning upside down because of this all. Something that, according to paragraph one, she could have stopped. So how is this all a distant memory? It didn't happen that long ago, and these feelings are still fresh in her tummy.

Oh how mother didn't even look surprised, she let her put the tip of that sharp knife against her tummy, and little Maria started to cry... what was she doing, where was she going with this... Would this be the end, or just the beginning...  

The ending just made me wrinkle my brow even more. I see that Maria is traumatized and hurt, but I don't see why that would bring her to a point where she points a knife against her tummy. Or is it her mother's tummy? I don't think you clarified that.
But what is she doing? And why isn't her mother freaking out???


I have to say, I found this quite baffling. I think you need a lot more exposition on well, everything. Maria's life as a five-year-old, how these events with this "boy in scented clothing" came about, the emotions she felt leading up the knife-against-tummy action. There's a lot here that needs to be said that you didn't say. Also, the whole timeline for this still has me shaking my head. Maybe I'm missing something, but it's not adding up.

Well. Hopefully, you can gain some ideas from these rambles of mine. I think this story has great potential to be powerful, but right now, it's missing a few things.
Have a great day, Bitty! And keep up your writing. :)
cheers for now!
-rosette




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Tue Aug 08, 2017 10:58 pm
myjaspercat wrote a review...



Hey there Bitty, late welcome to YWS
Myjaspercat here to review your piece.

Line-by-Line/Nit-picks.

Maybe we shouldn't be doing this... maybe this is [it's] wrong, the boy with scented clothing said... Couple things here: first of all, this is current dialogue then I would add quotation marks around it. If not, then I would change it so it's italicized. Second, how is the clothing scented? I mean, what does it smell like to make it so worthy of being mentioned. Finally, replace the first ellipsis with a comma and the final one with a period.

Caught in between feeling something [that] she has never felt before,<-remove comma and to be [between] right or wrong, she simply, <-remove comma gestured [to] the man to continue... Replace ellipsis with a period here.That choice she made at that very moment,<-remove comma would have I would use the contraction of these two words here if I were you. changed her life forever... While the ellipsis is pretty nicely placed here, I don think it's really necessary.

The week flies [fly] by when your young, <-replace comma with a period. it's school, daycare, then dinner time... no bedtime stories for little Maria... <-replace ellipsis with a period. no closed doors, just two parents that did all they could to brighten her day... No real communication occurred... I mean what can you really talk about with a child under five...I am honestly a little confused about the whole communication/ closed doors thing. I don't understand what you are trying to write in these lines.

Scattering through distant memories in this [the] thing called a brain, little Maria arrives on time in a place from 1997, I would end the line here if I were you. Her sweet mother is cooking dinner as she always did and her dad was in the shower, unwinding from a long day of work.... <-change ellipsis to a period. With no way to really throw up the feelings that she had[held] inside, from the fingers that touched her in ways that turned her little tummy upside down... she pulls a knife out on her mother from the dishwasher Personally, I would rewrite this sentence so it looks like; 'she pulls a knife out of the dishwasher and turns on her mother'.... Oh how [her] mother didn't even look surprised, [as] she let her put the tip of that sharp knife against her tummy, and little Maria started to cry... <-change ellipsis to a period. What was she doing, where was she going with this... Would this be the end, or just the beginning...If I were you, I would either change the first ellipsis to a comma and the last one to a question mark or both of them to question marks.


overall
For the most part I really liked this. I think it was pretty well executed, however if you read above you will notice some places where I would personally change words or work on phrasing. That said, I am slightly confused on the connection between what's happening in the first two paragraphs and then the last two paragraphs. I see how the last two can be related but I cant really see how the first two are. Anyway, that's just a thought to chew on.

My main problem with this is the abundant use of the ellipsis.

... - In case you didn't know, this is an ellipsis. It is used to show an omission in academic writing or, in prose, the trailing off of a thought. For example:

"Bob bought a cat [...] and brought it home"


In this example, the ellipsis (put in square brackets which indicate someone other than the original author is altering the text in this way) represents missing information--whether it was the name of the cat or where Bob bought it--that the person presenting the text decided was not important for what they needed. This is an academic use that you will probably use in essays when quoting overly long pieces from journal articles or books. You don't really have to worry about this for prose.

"Bob bought a cat, but I think... Never mind."


This is the use you'll want for prose, as it indicates a trailing off of thought.

It is NOT used for emphasis at the end of a sentence. For example:

Bob bought a cat, but I think it's a bad idea...


This is not drawing emphasis to the sentence, it is indicating that the speaker is uncomfortable or awkward about saying this. I have seen new writers use an ellipsis for emphasis like this, but it doesn't work that way.

Now I understand some people may disagree with me and others use it stylistically and that's fine. I have no problem with someone using an ellipsis here or there, however when they are pretty much your main use of punctuation --particularly in replacement of periods-- it just becomes to much. As well, in the line by line there are places where I mentioned changing the ellipsis into other things.

Other then that I think that about covers it. If you have any questions please feel free to ask. Good luck and continue writing.





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