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Young Writers Society



Welona - Chapter 2

by ExOmelas


A/N: Sorry if the line breaks are a bit weird in this, google docs was being weird. Also sorry this is so long, I added a few extra bits of description in that will hopefully make up for the lack of species description in the last chapter.

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The dining hall was almost silent, there being only one non-staff occupant currently. That was Terri's mother, Lydela. She, like Terri’s father, was slim and agile. Her hair hung around her shoulders in long flowing waves, just covering the tips of her pointed ears. Terri knew she looked like her; everyone said that… But no way was she that beautiful.

She was sat in one of the two chairs at the head of the table, the slightly smaller one that was reserved for the spouses of the king or queen of Tralior. She smiled as Terri and Makder made their way up to the next two seats perpendicular to her.

Makder veered off at the last second to go and stand with his father a few yards away from the table but his father shook his head and motioned for him to sit down.

"Uh..." His eyes were wide as he stared at Terri and sat down next to her. Then he looked up to her mother and said, "Thank you, your Highness."

Her mother smiled. "You are welcome, Mr Sten. This is a big day for you too."

He looked back round at Terri, who shrugged and filled the flagon in front of him with water. He shook his head and stared down at it, just blinking and doing nothing. Terri smiled and patted him on the back, then the three of them waited there in silence for her father to arrive. There was no point in trying to figure out what was going on; they’d find out soon enough.

He arrived not long later and took his seat in the enormous wingback chair beside Terri's mother. Terri could hear a swoosh as he sat down, his cloak catching the air then floating down a moment later, landing draped over the back of his chair. He didn't start talking immediately. For an elf who could run so fast, his conversation was always so slow. The sun was high in the window behind Terri, casting comfortably warm light on her back. The strip of light washed over all four of them and she watched the dust motes flutter through the air between herself and her father as she waited for him to say something.

"Terriala, Makder, I have brought you here for this meal- Erm, this meal, Lendel?" He turned round and looked at Makder's father, Lendel. Lendel nodded to his right, then to his left, then suddenly in showers of magical energy seven servants appeared and brought forward enormous silver platters. Their faces were even paler than their elven masters, being faeries of the Otherworld. They placed cold meats and cheeses, breads, some chicken and masses of salad on the table in front of them.

"Call me if you need anything, your Highness," Lendel said, then bowed and started toward the door.

"Lendel, wait," Terri's father said, "He's your son."

Lendel looked at Makder, then nodded and sat down across the table from him and Terri. The faerie servants filed out of the room and closed the door gently behind them.

"Help yourselves, both of you," Terri's father said, looking from Lendel to Makder. "This is no time for formalities."

They were all silent for a few moments as they tucked into the spread in front of them. Terri had built up her stamina enough to not feel particularly taxed by her runs, but as soon as the first of the cheese hit her stomach she realised that she was in fact rather hungry. Also the food tasted excellent as always.

"Now then, to business." Terri's father sighed and looked straight into her eyes. "You, my wonderful, beautiful, strong daughter - tomorrow you will have been on this realm for eighteen years. These have been eighteen of the brightest years of my life - you have no idea - and I need you to understand that parting is the last thing that I, personally, want."

Terri's eyebrows shot up. Where in the world was this going?

"Tomorrow, at dawn, you and Makder will start out on a journey that should take no longer than until the day after your nineteenth birthday. I do not know exactly where it will take you, that depends on you." Then he turned slightly to look from her to Makder. "Makder Sten, I have known you since your birth. I adored you. You were the first babe I had seen in many, many years. Of course, only a few months later, Terriala was born, and my attention was rather diverted. I hope, however, that I've been a good employer to you and your father over the years."

Makder nodded energetically. Sat next to him, Terri could only see him in profile, but the one eye she had a view of was wide. He seemed to be holding his breath. His face was unusually pale actually, almost as pale as hers. Usually his cheeks had the blooming red hue of a human who spent lots of time outdoors, just like his father. He must have been terrified.

"Of course, sir," Lendel said. He smiled at his son and reached across the table to clasp his hand. 

Makder smiled back and turned to face him. His face relaxed a little but Terri could see that he was still breathing fast. She was too, she realised. This was one intense lunch.

"This is a burden I do not put on you lightly, Makder, and you will have the chance to refuse, but I ask that you hear me out first."

"Yes, sir," Makder said. His voice croaked and he took a sip of water.

"This journey is taken by every elf when they reach the age of eighteen. Until this time you have been growing, Terri. In fact, the similarities between yourself and Makder in terms of development are staggering for two so divided in race. But when you return to me, your paths will have diverged almost beyond recognition. I ask you to do this, Makder, almost for your own sake." His crystalline eyes flitted between the two of them. "I don't know what will become of your friendship in years to come. This might be the last time the two of you are as close as you currently are."

He went silent again. For once Terri was glad. She took a deep breath and ran through what he'd said in her head. Why hadn't she heard about this before? Why did Makder need to come wherever she was going? Was it dangerous?

"Where will this journey take us?" she asked, then glanced to Makder and said, "Uh- that is, if you choose to come."

"I'm coming," he said. He drew his hand away from his father's and dropped both to his sides, frowning at the table. So this was what his father had told him about, then. He'd made his choice.

"Like I said, I do not know where exactly you will go," her father said, "It is more something you have to do."

"Well, it's not like we're just sending you out into the wilderness," her mother snapped. She leaned forward and glared at her father. "We're not that awful at parenting."

"You're wonderful parents," Terri said instinctively.

Her mother's face softened and she said, "Sorry, I'm getting flashbacks. My own parents pretty much did just send me out into the wilderness."

Her father chuckled. "Honestly from what you told me I'm surprised you're alive. Glad - obviously - impressed, in fact. You're wonderful, honey."

She glared at him again, then burst out giggling and leaned her face against his shoulder for a moment.

When she sat back up straight she said, "We take you from here about ten miles north west to Heryan, where, under strict lock and key… in a manner of speaking, lies the Welona portal. From there you will start your Welona, your journey home."

Terri frowned. "We just have to get home?"

"Just home." Her father nodded. "But... we don't know where from. The portal will take you where you need to go. When you return, a question will be asked. You won't know who to expect it from, but you will know it when you hear it."

Terri resisted the urge to roll her eyes, and only restrained herself because she could have sworn her father was trembling slightly. The ever so slight creases along his porcelain brow were twitching a little and his jaw was tensed slightly.

"Okay," she said. She gulped, which only increased her unease. "But uh, not that I'm not glad of the company but... why does Makder have to come?"

"It is essential that there be a servant with you for the duration," her father said. Then he coughed and added, "By that, I do not mean that Makder will be expected to serve while you are on the journey. And I suppose, in fact, any subject of your future kingdom would have sufficed, but it is most commonly a servant who has taken the position, particularly one close to the ruling family."

"But why?" Terri said again.

Her father sighed. "It's difficult to explain... You will understand by the time you return home."

Makder brought his hands back up onto the table and leaned slightly forward as he said, "Terri, it's alright. I'm coming with you. Like King Berean says, our lives are going to change. What's the point in just letting that happen a year and a day early? Besides, you'd go mad without someone to talk to."

Terri smiled. She leaned over and wrapped her right arm across his shoulders, giving him a quick hug. Then she rubbed his back and sat back up.

"Thank you," she whispered. He didn't reply, but she could see the beginnings of a smile tug at his mouth.

"I'm proud of you, Mak," Lendel said. "I'm going to miss you so much. I am going to bawl like a baby for the month after you leave and the month after you return. But I am very, very proud of you."

A sound somewhere between a laugh a choke escaped Makder.

Terri looked from her father to her mother and said, "I'll miss you too."

Her parents looked at each other, then simultaneously rose from their seats and came round the table to stand behind her. She shoved her chair out from the table and sprang up straight into a hug from both of them.

"I love you," she said into one of their shoulders.

"I love you too," they both said at the same time.

She gave them a final squeeze then sat back down, as they straightened their robes and returned to their chairs. Terri took the opportunity to wipe the starts of the tears from her eyes and give Makder's shoulder another pat. Then, with a deep breath, she just about managed to stop herself from shaking.

"So... What now?" she asked, "Do we need to prepare?"

"No," her mother said, trying to shove her fringe back into her braid. It must have come loose in the hug. "Preparations have been made. Tonight is for you to say goodbye. It's called your Tenasi, your going away party."

Terri's eyebrows shot up and she grinned. "What sort of party?"

"We've hired musicians, some servants are in the middle of tidying up the Great Hall." Her father smiled. "It's going to feel like a long time until your next birthday. This one needs to be memorable."

"Um, your Highness," Makder murmured, "Didn't you say we leave at dawn?"

Terri's father smirked and started to chuckle. "If there's one lesson that you don't need a Welona to learn, it's how to do crucial work in the throes of a monstrous hangover."

Terri smacked her forehead with the palm of her hand and shook her head, but she giggled a little and said, "I can't wait."


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Sat Jan 06, 2018 3:40 am
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charleslee wrote a review...



Hey, Charles here! Thought I'd return the favor with a review.

I really like your writing style so far. I read through Chapter 1, but figured I'd leave Chapter 2 a full review since it had less reviews already. If you'd like I can also review Chapter 1. Also, I don't know how to do the quotey-quote thing yet, so bear with me.

First off:

"The dining hall was almost silent, there being only one non-staff occupant currently."

The opening line wasn't eye-catching. It makes sense in context why you said it, but I think it could have been done more creatively. This was very straightforward.

"Terri could hear a swoosh as he sat down"

You don't need to specify that Terri heard it. Just describing the sound would be sufficient for the reader to know that Terri heard it.

"suddenly in showers of magical energy"

This might just be me, but I immediately thought of people, like, taking a shower. Maybe change the imagery here.

"as soon as the first of the cheese hit her stomach"

Didn't really like this line. It was just a little weird, and I don't know if I've ever experienced something "hitting my stomach."

"She glared at him again, then burst out giggling and leaned her face against his shoulder for a moment"

I felt like this killed the mood for a bit. It was very tense up to this point, but not too tense, and this was just weird to throw in.

"a sound somewhere between a laugh a choke escaped Makder."

^grammatical mistake here

"'Um, your Highness,' Makder murmured…"

I didn't feel that the "um" was necessary.

Overall: I thought it was very well-done. You had some very good moments. One thing I really liked about this chapter was that it was long, but didn't feel like it went on too long. Even though you had the same setting and characters throughout, the mood was continuously changing, which kept my attention.

Look at my comment about "Terri heard a swoosh". This was an extreme example, but there are a few times where you describe people "looking" and "hearing" things where you don't need to add in that extra word. It should be implied and will make it more concise.

There were a few times where the dialogue sounded unrealistic. I would suggest going through those sections and reading them aloud, then revising if it sounds unnatural.

Lastly, I felt like there should be a more defined role of who is who. I couldn't really tell what everyone's status was, and since this is set in a kingdom of sorts, I wanted to know who stood where on the totem pole. Or, if there isn't much class distinction, clarify that as well.

I thought it was very captivating and am interested to read Chapter 3! Your characters have very distinct personalities and interact well with each other. Definitely tag me when you update! -C




ExOmelas says...


Hey, thanks for the review! I'm up at a stupid late time watching a crime drama, so I'm kind of not in a state to reply to this just now, but I just wanted to say thanks and that this is really good for an early review ^.^ My first few are like ten sentences long, is not great.

I'll reply to a couple of things you've mentioned and see if you can help me figure out where best to clarify things :)

Thanks again!



charleslee says...


Sure thing!



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Thu Jan 04, 2018 7:25 pm
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inktopus wrote a review...



Hey, Bisc! Storm here for a second review, so let's get to it!

Terri knew she looked like her; everyone said that… But no way was she that beautiful.

Ellipses again. It's a stylistic thing, I know, but you rarely see ellipses used this way in published novels, so I get the feeling it's seen as unprofessional.

She was sat in one of the two chairs at the head of the table, the slightly smaller one that was reserved for the spouses of the king or queen of Tralior.

This is a rather clunky explanation. Try to streamline it. Also, 'sat' should be 'seated'.

He looked back round at Terri, who shrugged and filled the flagon in front of him with water.

How? With magic? A pitcher? You tend to leave out description, so objects seem to appear out of nowhere. Mention a pitcher in front of them, if Terri is using one.

He shook his head and stared down at it, just blinking and doing nothing.

I don't think it's necessary to say that Makder isn't doing anything. Just leave that last bit out, and include the blinking.

For an elf who could run so fast, his conversation was always so slow.

Nice bit of character development.

The sun was high in the window behind Terri, casting comfortably warm light on her back.

Why comfortably? It's a bit of a vague adjective. Use something stronger.

Their faces were even paler than their elven masters, being faeries of the Otherworld.

I know you tried for more description, and I'm seeing the fruits of your effort, but you can definitely add more in. I want this world lush with description of who and what inhabits it. This place is entirely new to us, we need to know what it looks like, but you're the only person who has seen it thus far.

"He's your son."

I like this a lot.

Also the food tasted excellent as always. When you write, make nothing feel like an afterthought.

This is not in the first person, so it doesn't work at all. It may be an afterthought to Terri, but it seems sloppy when you're saying it and not your main character.

Makder nodded energetically.

This seems out of character for Makder, but that's just an observation. Do with it what you will.

He seemed to be holding his breath. His face was unusually pale actually, almost as pale as hers. Usually his cheeks had the blooming red hue of a human who spent lots of time outdoors, just like his father. He must have been terrified.

This is more in character. Maybe 'energetically' isn't the right word to use above. Jerkily or spastically might be more appropriate.

Sat next to him, Terri could only see him in profile, but the one eye she had a view of was wide.

I think you mean 'seated'.

Makder smiled back and turned to face him.

Was it a tense smile? Describe this, it couldn't have been a normal smile given his previous visible reaction.

Her mother's face softened and she said, "Sorry, I'm getting flashbacks. My own parents pretty much did just send me out into the wilderness."
Her father chuckled. "Honestly from what you told me I'm surprised you're alive. Glad - obviously - impressed, in fact. You're wonderful, honey."

This exchange could have been worded better. It felt like it came out of nowhere. What was the point of this? It doesn't help that in dialogue, you're switching between formal and informal. In some instances, it makes sense, but for the most part, you need to choose a speaking style for your characters.

"We take you from here about ten miles north west to Heryan, where, under strict lock and key… in a manner of speaking, lies the Welona portal. From there you will start your Welona, your journey home."

This is just unclear. I don't know what exactly she's saying. Specifically here: under strict lock and key… in a manner of speaking, lies the Welona portal. It's difficult for me to understand the meaning of this. Try to clarify it more.

I think I may have figured out part of the problem with your clunky writing. You tend to use the same sort of sentence structure: compound sentences. You overuse the words "and" and "then" Try to vary it a little more. I'm really fond of the comma -ing sentence form myself. If you need examples, there are plenty in TMNHN. However, you can't just depend on that. Do a little relearning on sentence structure, and actively try to use certain types of sentences to vary it up. That should help your clunky writing problem.

Your plot is really speeding along, and I love that. I love fast paced novels, so this is a dream come true. Once you fix that clunky writing, your flow and pacing should complement each other perfectly.

The two main things you need to work on is varying sentence structure and using more description. Focus on those two things and see how that helps.

If you have any questions or just want to talk, you know where to find me.

~Storm




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Sun Dec 31, 2017 7:32 pm
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IvoryRose wrote a review...



Hello it’s IvoryRose again. So you did a good job setting up the plot of the story and it was unpredictable. That’s an advantage because you didn’t do the stereotypical princess story. Now one thing that I hope is covered in Chapter Three is why does she have to go on the journey? We know that it is the tradition of her people, but why is it traditional? Where does the tradition stem from and what does it mean to the elves? Perhaps at the party you can start the world building. Do all the elves look the same? Are they loud and outgoing or are they more quite and reserved? Does our main character fit in or is she an outcast? What are her personal feelings about the journey? So far her personality is the well behaved daughter that is loyal to her parents. However, we don’t know if she truly agrees with this. We just know that she’s going on a journey. Character building and development is essential to any story, but in a story about character embarking a journey it’s even more vital. Usually the journey changes them for better or for worse. We need to know who the character is before we can begin to sympathize with them. Remember a fantasy world doesn’t have to follow the rules of the real one. They can transport the reader to a whole new world. This is why in reviews I stress world building because it’s what makes fantasy so popular. Perhaps during the main character’s journey you can compare it to her home and explain how exotic it is to her. Or how similar it is to her world, but not ours. Overall great plot development, and I can’t wait for your next update!




ExOmelas says...


Hey sorry I was out when you wrote this yesterday but I did read it, which meant of course that I almost forgot to reply today cos in my mind I%u2019d already dealt with the notification xD

I think I might be overcompensating for worrying about infodumpinh by not giving enough worldbuilding info. I%u2019ll still try not to be subtle about it but I%u2019ll definitely try to put in more details. Also though, I want it to be a mystery why the tradition exists, something she has to figure out on the journey. How many details do you think I need to include along those lines, or little hints, for it to not be frustrating to the reader?




On some days, my will to write disappears faster than a donut at a police station.
— Arcticus