Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi ExOmelas, I was looking for things to review and found this. Considering how good your other one was I decided Imma try reviwing this one too. So I am going to go fly a kit...correction....go ahead and review this chapter.

First Impression: Wel that was a beautiful hook for the readers at the very end. Works very well. A bit heavy on the description to start things off in this chapter and we don't quite have a main character to follow besides Patrick but it does sound like a really interesting premise.

Anyway let's get to it,

The children came every day to the zoo, their iPads and games consoles cast aside at home. As soon as they got there, like clockwork a whole stream of them would burst through the door and run over to the monkey cage. They pressed their faces up against it, the Spectacular Tower of the Tayburn Monkeys. The cage was fairly narrow, but stretched so far into the sky that the children, with their fingers wrapped tightly around the thin black bars, could barely see to the top. They squinted as their gaze drifted accidentally towards the sun, which today beat strongly down on all of them. There were big white dollops of sun cream on the ends of most noses, and it was a good thing parents had insisted on that before leaving the car, because once you saw the monkeys you could never look away again for long enough to put it on.

Every day of summer the children flocked from all over the country to see the monkeys of Tayburn. And, once they'd seen all the tricks three times over, and there were many more tricks to come after the Falling Friends, it was time for the frogs. The frogs had elaborate pulley systems for their logs and lily pads, and you got to shout out directions for them to jump from object to object, until they found a path to the other side.

Patrick locked up, but unlike most zookeepers, he locked the door from the inside. This was his home. He breathed deeply in through his nose, but all he could really smell was the sun cream smeared on the door handle. He shrugged - better than rhino dung.

t was rubbery, like someone repeatedly throwing a bouncy-ball at a shoe sole.

One of the monkeys vaulted over another's shoulders and propelled herself into the wall of the cage. She clung on as her weight fell backwards in the pendulum swing of momentum. Then, once she came to a stop, she hung lazily from one arm and cupped the other around her mouth.
"Thanks, Pat!"

Hello hello, Lib passing by! You got a new reader!! In other words I'll be reading your novel!! C:

This is fantasy and I love it already. There's nothing better than talking animals. Not. Kidding. The monkey is amazing. xD Oh and I love your writing style, by the way.

(Also, this means I need to be tagged for future chapters unless this is done.)

I already love the style. The description of the monkey's act makes you feel like you're standing with the other kids watching and gawking. I do personally wish there was a bit more with the other animals, but given this was just the first part I imagine there is plenty about them later. I would have liked to know a little about what kind of landscapes the elephants paint though, as they live in a zoo. Do they paint from pictures they've seen? Do they paint the zoo? Over all the concept in engrossing and I am eager to read more!

hello,

I really like this. It pulls you in and you read it to the end. You get curious about the strange zoo and it's talented animals, and you find yourself wanting to read more.


"The cage was fairly narrow, but stretched so far into the sky that the children..."

This is only a tiny grammar mistake, but you should put an "it" between the "but" and the "stretched." If you don't want to do that, you should remove the comma.


"There were big white dollops of sun cream on the ends of most noses, and it was a good thing parents had insisted on that before leaving the car, because once you saw the monkeys you could never look away again for long enough to put it on."

Haha I like this part; it definitely helps convey the fact about how interesting these monkeys were.


"The children gasped, and clutched each other by the shoulder."

You should put a "they" between the "and" and the "clutched." Or, like I said before, remove the comma.


"or transfixed teenagers who blushed when they realised how engrossed they'd got in watching the elephants paint their landscapes. It was clearly a trick somehow, and only meant for little kids anyway."

I quite liked this part, it was really accurate for teenagers. However, you misspelled "realized." You spelled it with an s instead of a z.

All in all, this was a very interesting beginning. I wasn't expecting the monkey to talk in the end, but when it did, I wasn't that surprised. However, I was curious. How does the monkey talk? Is it enchanted? Is it a secretly transformed human? Is it simply just really smart monkey? I'm guessing the other animals can talk too.

I can't wait to read more!

Hey, Biscuits! As requested, I'm here to review your work. Since I think this is the first work of yours that I'm reviewing, I'll give you a quick explanation of how I write my reviews: I start with a small comments section, where I reply to individual lines of the work. After that, I have an overall comments section where I talk about my thoughts on the chapter.

So let's get to it!

The children came every day to the zoo, their iPads and games consoles cast aside at home.

As soon as they got there, like clockwork a whole stream of them would burst through the door and run over to the monkey cage.

There were big white dollops of sun cream on the ends of most noses, and it was a good thing parents had insisted on that before leaving the car, because once you saw the monkeys you could never look away again for long enough to put it on.

The monkeys zipped up and down the towering cage, swinging high into the air from ropes, branches, and even each other's tails. At one point, two monkeys sprinted up the side, their fingers and toes slipping into the tiny gaps between bars and springing upwards with perfect accuracy. They turned upside down and walked along the roof into the middle to meet each other using only their feet, then embraced, and dropped.

The giraffes played catch, the lion told your future, the penguins taught children to swim, the crocodiles did blind taste testing, and the antelopes competed in the high jump.

Tonight he found no lost children searching for their parents, or transfixed teenagers who blushed when they realised how engrossed they'd got in watching the elephants paint their landscapes.

"That was a great show today, folks!" he called out.

One of the monkeys vaulted over another's shoulders and propelled herself into the wall of the cage. She clung on as her weight fell backwards in the pendulum swing of momentum. Then, once she came to a stop, she hung lazily from one arm and cupped the other around her mouth.

"Thanks, Pat!"

Hey there Biscuits and my god can I just say this short novel is a life saver for my goals of 4 reviews so I fully plan to review 4 chapter of this in the next hour. But anyway onto the review
*side note I going to have to create a new review organizer and my old one is for longer pieces so bare with me a bit

Comments-

They squinted as their gaze drifted accidentally towards the sun, which today beat strongly down on all of them.

He whistled as he ambled across the wide wooden bridge towards the tropical birds, and smiled as a large toucan joined in.

Hi! So I figured I should at least review the first chapter of this to remind me it's on my list

Specifics

1. Do children really go to the zoo without their phones? I'm intrigued by the world you're building here In all honesty though, I feel like that needs a bit of follow up, some kind of explanation that this zoo is just so fascinating that the children don't feel the need to bring their technology.

2.

Lastly, a bow, followed by literally minutes of applause.

He breathed deeply in through his nose, but all he could really smell was the sun cream smeared on the door handle. He shrugged - better than rhino dung.

Hey Bisc!

You asked for reviewers, so here I am. I’m not very experienced at reviewing novels, so sorry about that. Hopefully I’ll be able to review all your chapters! So add me to that list to ping when you post more, because I’ll try to review! Anyway...

The children came every day to the zoo, their iPads and games consoles cast aside at home. As soon as they got there, every day like clockwork a whole stream of them would burst through the door and run over to the monkey cage. Then they pressed their faces up against it, the Spectacular Tower of the Tayburn Monkeys. The cage was fairly narrow, but stretched so far into the sky that the children, with their fingers wrapped tightly around the thin black bars, could barely see to the top.

They squinted as their gaze drifted accidentally towards the sun, which today beat strongly down on all of them. There were big white dollops of sun cream on the ends of most noses, and it was a good thing parents had insisted on that before leaving the car, because once you saw the monkeys you could never look away again for long enough to put it on.

The giraffes played catch, the lion told your future, the penguins taught children to swim, the crocodiles did blind taste testing, and the antelopes competed in the high jump.

Heyo Bisc,

I saw your post asking for someone to adopt this novel... and I really can't guarantee that I'll have time to really commit to following this as a faithful reviewer, but I will say that I will attempt to follow? So feel free to add me to the ping list when you post more, and I'll do my best to give a somewhat timely review if I can. Deal? Okay, let's get started...

The children came every day to the zoo, their iPads and games consoles cast aside at home. As soon as they got there, every day like clockwork a whole stream of them would burst through the door and run over to the monkey cage.

The giraffes played catch, the lion told your future, the penguins taught children to swim, the crocodiles did blind taste testing, and the antelopes competed in the high jump.

Hi there! Noelle here to review your awesome novel.

This reminds me of Madagascar. I know no one wants to hear their piece compared to something else, but I feel like I had to say it. Props to you for working with talking animals.

I don't have much to say about this. Your writing is so smooth and I can detect your writing style straight from the beginning. You keep it going strong and I applaud you for that. Sometimes it takes a long time for people to find their style. It's a clean read.

Personally I'm not a fan of the overgeneralized narrator. I don't think that's actually a term used so I'll explain. What I consider an overgeneralized narrator is someone who glosses over the details of the story. Kind of what you have here. We're told about the zoo, all the animals and what they do, and even some of Pat's job. However we don't get into the "real" story. There are kids that I don't know anything about. (I know they aren't important, but for the sake of my point I'll mention them) There are animals I don't know anything about. And then there's Pat who just rolls in at the end. At least there's a bit about him that I learn.

I guess my point is try not to take the safe road. You go through an entire day at this zoo in one chapter. Why not slow it down a bit? Take some time to look around and introduce us to the animals. Maybe the kids could have spent some time with the giraffes and lions too. I get that these monkeys are the special ones, but I wanted to hear more about the other animals. I'm not saying you have to give them all equal attention, of course. That would be monotonous. Maybe just spend a little more time with the ones you do introduce.

Another thing that is lacking is some imagery. You do a great job describing the monkeys and their cage, but there's no information for us about what the zoo itself looks like. We're so focused on the kids and the different exhibits and Pat that we don't have time to just stop and look around. There's a mention of a wooden bridge near the birds. Does it cross over a pond? Is it in the midst of tall oak trees? What about the rest of the zoo? Is it old and worn or newer with smooth pathways? The only thing I have to go off of here is a zoo that I have visited quite a few times. I know that we're not imagining the same zoo. Give us a little bit more to go off of, especially if this is such a special zoo. I want to picture it in my mind.

Overall I'm intrigued by this story. You definitely have me hooked and I can't wait to read more! I love quirky stories like this. I mean that in the best way of course

Keep writing!
**Noelle**

Hello, Bisc! I haven't reviewed much prose in a long time, so pardon my ambling as I try to find a rhythm to how I tackle this.

That being said, I quite enjoyed the visual scenery in this piece, as well as the general atmosphere you built. I do think the beginning is quite clunky and drawn-out, but the style loosens up and flows much more naturally towards the end of the piece, which is always good. Personally, I found it a bit difficult to get past the beginning, because although you establish the tone very early on, the expository sentences weighed themselves down with unnecessary verbosity.

As soon as they got there, Every day like clockwork a whole stream of them would burst through the door and run over to the monkey cage.

Every day, at [specify some time?], a whole stream of them would burst through the door, like clockwork. Then they would run over to the monkey cage, pressing their faces up against it, that Spectacular Tower of the Tayburn Monkeys.

There were big white dollops of sun cream on the ends of most noses, and it was a good thing parents had insisted on that before leaving the car, because once you saw the monkeys you could never look away again for long enough to put it on.

Big white dollops of sun cream rested atop their noses, having been smeared there after much insistence by worried parents. It didn't matter how old or young you were--once you saw the monkeys, you could never look away again for long enough to care about anything else.

Lastly, a bow, followed by literally minutes of applause.

The head zookeeper, Patrick, often had to do circuits of the premises to make sure nobody was sitting in the dark in front of the bat enclosure, transfixed by their wing-semaphore.

Biscuits!

Bit rusty, but hopefully this will be helpful nonetheless!

The giraffes played catch, the lion told your future [...] the crocodiles did blind taste testing

The children came every day to the zoo, their iPads and games consoles cast aside at home. As soon as they got there, every day like clockwork

The monkeys can talk?? (I mean hey Biscuits!)

So the monkeys talk and the crocodiles do blind taste testing. I love this. Whatever this is I love it. Does everything talk? Is Patrick the only zoo keeper and how long do the animals have to know him before they get to call him Pat?? I am intrigued! Here I was thinking this was your average zoo but nope.

I wonder, when you come back to edit this, if it would be cool to lead with the animals? Just drop us straight into the monkey act for example without orientating us with the children. Obviously I don't know where this story is going to go (so you can ignore me) but it feels like Patrick and the animals are the focal point and that leading with them would be a good way to get the reader into the story.

My other favourite faaavourite bit was the fact that Patrick locks the door from the inside like it's his house. That was a nice character detail and really made me want to know more about him and this zoo he runs. And I just love this sort of setting where it's something so familiar to us and yet it has this twist on it, this other side

Let me know when you post more of this! I'd love to see where it goes <3