Warning: This work has been rated 18+.
"Where the hell's Max?" Camillo muttered, not even looking up from his phone.
"In an ice bath, nursing his injured foot?" I resisted adding, Where do you think he is?
"I thought that's where you were before you got here," he said, then before I could reply he shouted, "God dammit!"
He was sprawled out on a couch in the players' lounge, much like I had been the fist time we talked properly. He was much happier than I'd been though, having just thrashed his most recent opponent. Now he was sitting there tapping away at his screen as if his career depended on it.
"What are you doing?" I stood up from the armchair I was slumped in and leaned over his shoulder.
He was playing Candy Crush. I burst out laughing and twisted round to scowl at me.
"I could have got that in two more moves I swear to God!"
I bent further over and put an arm across my stomach, willing my muscles not to seize up as I laughed. He was furious! If he'd had a racquet in his hand, I bet you anything he'd have smashed it. When I’d come in he’d been so grumpy I thought something terrible had happened. But no, he was just having to wait half an hour for his lives to fill back up.
Before I could comment on this, my phone buzzed in my back pocket. I sat back down in the armchair and briefly glanced at the flat screen tv showing coverage of the tournament before I checked on the notification. All the coverage was talking about was Maderic though.
Just as I could feel my spirits sinking at the thought of Maderic, I saw that the notification was a message from Natalie, whose injury had recently healed enough to get her back on the WTA tour.
Dude! Congrats on your (sort of) win :D
I smiled, but sighed. She wasn't the first. Ron had given me a hug as soon as he saw me, sweaty clothes and all. And mum had given me a big wave from the players' box as we left the court. First semi-final at a Masters One Thousand was a big deal, even if I did get there without actually winning the quarter final. At least, that's what I'd been trying to convince myself of for the last hour.
Thanks, I replied. Then I glanced over at Camillo, who was continuing to do nothing of importance. Hey... Want to video call me and Cam?
I stretched my legs out and lay my head on the back of the seat, trying to get my body as flat as possible. I'd been hoping for the couch to lie on when I got here, but Camillo seemed to have claimed it for the entire day.
A moment later, my phone buzzed again. I brought my phone up to my face, which by this point was staring straight up at the ceiling.
Sure thing. Is Cam ok tho? He’s not replying to me.
I giggled. He’s in the middle of a Candy Crush crisis. He’s been ignoring me for the past 30min – and I’m in the same room as him xD
Natalie just sent back a :P face.
I took a deep breath, then called, “Camillo?”
He twisted round to face me. “What?”
I raised an eyebrow. “Would you like to talk to your friend Natalie?”
He glared at me for a moment, then winked and chuckled. “Sure, yeah.”
“Alright, one sec.”
I hauled myself up into a proper sitting position and smirked as Camillo did too. In fact, he made enough room on the couch that I was able to sit beside him. But then, just as I was getting the call app ready, I heard some footsteps in the doorway. I looked up and for a moment thought the couch was much lower than I'd realised. But actually, it was just that the man in the doorway was the six foot ten world number fifteen, Ruben Marcos.
"Hey, man," Camillo said, giving him a little wave. "You okay if we call someone?"
Ruben's eyes were kind of flat, as if he wasn't really looking at anything. He stumbled over to the armchair I'd been in and curled up like a baby. Unfortunately he was so tall that he ended up cuddling it like a teddy bear.
"As long as you don't wake me for the next two hours," he murmured, then shut his eyes and, as far as I could tell, went immediately to sleep.
Camillo grinned at me and gestured to the phone. I raised an eyebrow at him, trying to ask him if he was sure, but he just took the phone from me and called Natalie. I glanced at Ruben, but it seemed unlikely anything short of a fire alarm would wake him.
"What took you guys so long!" Natalie shouted, literally as soon as she picked up.
"We're at a professional tennis event, surprisingly enough," Camillo said, "Sometimes there's interruptions to your daily life."
Natalie rolled her eyes. "Whatever. You looked good in your match, Cam. What was it, six-three, six-two?"
"Six-four, six-three." Camillo shrugged. "I'm slipping."
Natalie laughed, the camera falling out of her grip a little and giving us a wonderful look at her hotel room's lampshade.
"I'm serious," Camillo said, "Did you see my first serve percentage?"
There was a vein on his neck that started to bulge and his fingers gripped my phone tighter.
"Calm down, Cam," I whispered, "Everyone has off days. You can practice tomorrow morning."
Camillo didn't say anything for a moment. He just sat there breathing as Natalie and I stared at him. The silence was broken as his phone beeped at him and he jumped so badly he nearly dropped mine.
"Uh, I'll take that," I said, reaching for my phone.
He handed me it and let his shoulders slouch. Then he lay back in the couch to read whatever message had come through.
I was about to start talking to Natalie again when he said, "Sorry, guys. My mum wants me to call her. I'll be right back."
"What did you say?" Natalie asked. The pixels on the screen were a little jumbled and I was pretty sure she was starting to lag.
As Camillo strode past me and out the door, I waited for her to catch up then explained what had happened.
"You were great too, Léo," Natalie said, a big smile on her face.
"Thanks." I returned the smile. "How is yours going?"
"I made it to the third round!" She grinned even wider. "I had no idea how I was going to be my first tournament back from injury."
"Jesus fuck!" came a call from outside the room.
Natalie's smile dropped and her eyes widened. "Uh, what was that?"
I could feel my own eyebrows shoot up as I said, "Uh... I'm gonna go check on Cam. Do you want to come, or shall I just hang up?"
Natalie chewed her lip. "Um, no. I think hang up. I hope this doesn't sound too bad but I'm trying to keep my positive energy up. Part of the new attitude my coach is trying to help me with."
I managed to smile and say, "Okay, good to talk to you. Bye."
Natalie gave me a little wave and hung up, leaving me along with Camillo and his rage, and also Ruben Marcos, whom I was almost expecting to be sucking on his thumb. I pushed myself up from the couch and padded across the wide, expansive room that right now felt more intimidating than luxurious. There were lots of clusters of couches and coffee tables with refreshments and magazines lying around. It looked like a cross between a dentist's waiting room and a school cafeteria.
And I found Camillo standing in the dark corridor right outside it.
He was doubled over with his hand in a fist against the ground. I didn't think he'd actually punched it, but his arm muscles were tensed and I reckoned he'd come close. I bent down next to him and resisted putting a hand on top of his. He didn't look like he was ready for a hug yet. In fact, I was worried he would spring into attack at the slightest touch.
"Camillo, what's the matter?" I whispered.
He breathed for a few moments, nostrils flaring. Then he lifted his fist from the floor and flopped back onto his arse. He drew his knees up to his chin and curled up into a ball, in the quickest transformation from Superman to a newborn baby panda I'd ever seen.
"It's my dad," he said. His voice was weak, definitely a panda now. He locked wide, terrified eyes with me and said, "He's been diagnosed with dementia."
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
So I am actual trash; sorry for making you wait this long. Anywhen, let's get into it!
I just thought you might want to know that at first, this sentence confused me. I couldn't figure out how 'resisted' could be used as a tag. I don't know how other people read it, but I had to look at it twice before I understood what you meant.
I want to talk about the way you write text messages. I think it might be better if you didn't use italics. It can be confusing when it's not separate from the rest of the paragraph, AND it's in italics because it can be read as a thought. My suggestion is to do something like:
Natalie: Dude! Congrats on your (sort of) win
Me (or Leo or whatever really): Thanks
But really it's up to you.
I think it might be better if you would say where they are first. When it's in the middle, it can be hard to miss that information, so having it front and center can make it clearer to the reader.
For some reason, this just reminded me of a mother and her surly child. I appreciate that.
Is 'smirk' really the right word to use? I think of smirking as this self-satisfied almost bitchy facial expression, and I don't really think that's how Leo is feeling right now. A smirk comes after a sick burn, not after someone's been bratty but is finally being slightly more reasonable.
Why was this man not a basketball player? I feel he might be wasted as a tennis player, though those long arms and legs are probably great for his reach.
You have a similar wording problem here. 'Unfortunately' doesn't seem like the word you want to use here.
OKAY. We are going to talk about Camillo.
So I'm finally starting to see Camillo develop a little more. However, I can't help but be a little concerned about his mental health. Yeah, off days do happen, and his reaction to his father getting dementia is understandable. But why was he so damn happy go lucky at the beginning of the chapter? It's a really big leap to make, and while his mood went from good to not so good, to bad, to devastated, why was his mood good in the first place? He wasn't happy with his performance in a match, so shouldn't he have been sour the whole time?
Maybe his good mood was a facade, but if it was, the readers need more clues so they can come to that conclusion.
If you wanna talk more, you know where to find me
~Stormie
Hello! DragonNoir here for a review!

Aaah!! The feels!! I feel so sorry for Camilo and his dad! I think this might be one of the best chapters you've written! Although I must admit, "Jesus fuck" is quite a strange curse to use. Not that it's wrong, I just think you could've thought of something better.
"Natalie just sent back..." This sounds like you're talking in the present tense. I would use something along the lines of "Natalie replied with a simple..."
Moving from the technical side of things, I like how quickly things escalated in this chapter. It's really dark and something we haven't seen before in this story, so that's awesome! I don't really know why you compared Camilo with a newborn panda, but I'm not too fussy about that.
If you had to add more of something, I think you could add more description to when Leo finds Camilo in the corridor. What is Camilo's facial expression like? What does Leo think when he sees Camilo? Those kinds of things.
Overall, I think this is the best chapter yet, although you could add more of Leo's thoughts of events in the story.
I hope my review helped!