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Young Writers Society



Off Court - Chapter 2.1

by ExOmelas


Mercifully, Camillo took me to a court that wasn’t in view of the public. Lord knows what the headlines would have been. Léo Herbert Fancies More of a Kicking. I shuddered at the thought as we walked through the tunnels, chatting about our schedules for the year so far.

“You’re coming to Montpellier?” I raised my eyebrows. “I figured you’d go to Ecuador.”

Camillo slitted his eyes at me, then chuckled. “I’m capable of playing on more than just clay, you know.”

Now it was my turn to glare at him, and with slightly less of a joke in it. The match we’d just played had been on hard, not clay, and he’d proven himself far more than capable. I still felt like I was wearing my humiliation from the match like a cloak. I muttered, “Uh-huh.”

Camillo frowned, then his eyes widened in realisation. “Oh, yeah. Hey, you’re not beating yourself up about that, are you? It was a good match.”

“I know, I know,” I muttered. “Just sucks to be out, you know?”

Camillo nodded. “Yeah, I know. Actually though… I do tend to shrug it off easier than a lot of players, I think.”

I tilted my head to the side and was about to ask him about this. But at that moment the corridor opened out into a high-ceilinged - extremely high - hall. There were four courts here, then four through the other side. All were occupied though, so we were able to continue talking in a pathway between the two sides.

We sat down on a wooden bench with sloping backs that for some reason faced away from the courts. This led to each of us tailing off and twisting round to see what was happening every time the grunting got really intense. One time Viktor Reiger practically did a Pelé kick except as a backhand smash. I mean, he lost the point eventually, but it was awesome.

“I’ve never been brave enough to do something like that,” I said. I sighed. “I wish I could be as cool as that… or you. Or like, Gael Monfils. He was one of my heroes growing up - I found all those ridiculous trick shots hilarious - but I’ve never been anything like him.”

Camillo shrugged. “It happens. Kids grow up wanting to play like Federer then end up six foot six and hitting twenty aces a match.”

“How about you?” I asked. “Who’s your idol?”

He answered immediately, “David Ferrer. The number of times I watched his five-setters long into the night… He never gave up. Even his career went on for ages. I don’t ever want to give up.”

I smiled, but didn’t really know what to say. His eyes had gone from my face to staring at the ground. I’d barely ever spoken to him other than a nod in the corridor before the deodorant incident. He seemed to have gone really serious. I couldn’t imagine he would be comfortable talking to me, someone he barely knew, about whatever was on his mind.

Luckily, a court became available. Reiger’s coach called over to him, and he immediately smiled and looked round.

“Thanks, Maria!”

He sprang suddenly off the bench and ushered me through the doorway-flap onto the court. We played one set which, excruciatingly, got all the way to a tiebreak before I lost it.

***

“So how was your date?” my mum asked as she stabbed with her fork at the last of her salad.

I chuckled, then looked up and realised she was serious. She was staring at me with the concerned interest of a genuinely interested parent.

“Seriously, Mum, it wasn’t a date. Players practice with each other all the time,” I said. We were sitting in a corner in the restaurant of our hotel. It was pretty busy, but I’m going to have to climb twenty places in the rankings before the average passerby recognises me.

Ron, who was sitting beside my mum, scoffed. “Ella’s right. You have been talking about him a lot.”

“So’s everyone in the world!”

“He seems like a lovely boy,” Mum went on. She always did this. Any time I talked about any guy for more than a sentence I was immediately, in her mind, head over heels in love with him.

I put my head in my hands. “Mum, please stop mentally planning our wedding. I’m almost certain he’s got a girlfriend… Or maybe a sister… It wasn’t a date, alright!”

It had a been a girl roughly of our age, and they’d seemed fairly close – arms around shoulders, that kind of thing. But that wasn’t the point!

Mum pursed her lips and started shaking with laughter, her curly hair like mine almost falling in her food. Ron leaned back in his chair and grinned.

“Regardless, if you can get yourself a regular practice session with him, that wouldn’t be a bad thing.”

I shook my head. “You two are ridiculous.” But I did have to raise some bread to my mouth to hide the fact that I was grinning. I told myself to stop it. It was not a date. I hadn’t even thought of that until Mum had brought it up.

But another practice session might not be a ridiculous idea. Like I said, players practiced with each other all the time. If I asked him this far in advance, maybe he could fit me in at Montpellier, before whoever else from the top ten was playing booked up with each other.

“See if you can then,” I said to Ron, “Set up a practice session, that is.”

“Sure thing,” he said.

My mum managed to stop laughing and we started talking about who else was going to Montpellier and what we could take from this tournament to work on. It sounds boring, but it’s my favourite conversation in the world. I’m getting better, slow and steady. As long as I keep tennis at the top of my mind and don’t think about not-dates, I will make my way up the rankings towards success.

I sighed and smiled as our flight landed back home on French soil. Being on tour was fun, and a country boy from an innocuous little village was lucky to get to do it, but finding your feet in a new place every week was not easy. Of course, I wasn't actually home, but at least I could speak French in the petrol station rather than try to understand English in an Australian accent.

Ron’s phone started buzzing as soon as we got inside the airport, catching up on everything it had missed while in flight mode. I really wanted to shake the rain out of my hair but the crowd waiting round the luggage carousel was packed pretty tight – it’d go all over everyone. I'd be pissed off if someone sprayed water all over me, and everyone was already drenched just after the walk from the plane.

“Tamer’s team haven't got back to me,” Ron said.

I looked over at him and briefly caught his eye before looking down at the ground. He looked sort of… scared? No, definitely sad. Maybe worried? Worried about me.

“Oh,” I said, “Well, that's okay.”

“They might just be too busy back in Melbourne.”

I looked back up at Ron. He was definitely worried about me. I knew if I told him I was fine it would come out all high and whiny so I just nodded and started keeping an eye out for my luggage. Well, at least I was right. It wasn't a date.


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Wed Jun 14, 2017 9:40 pm
Virgil wrote a review...



So I meant to be here earlier, yet I wasn't. No worries though, since I'm here to review now!

The way that this chapter kicks off is quite exciting. I thought that it showed a lot of character that Camillo decides to practice with Leo in private. This also suggests that the conversation could evolve into something more focused on just the two of them. I found this to be quite interesting, but of course, both of them are just acquaintances for now. Not even friends yet, it seems. What I found odd is the sudden transitioning to him and his mother having dinner.

I have a question--is Leo out to his mother? I'm going to assume that he is because she suggested him having a date in a serious manner, though I want to be sure on that. What I mean by the abrupt transitioning is that--one moment Leo is playing tennis with Camillo and in the next paragraph, he's eating dinner with his mother. A dash or some sign of a skip would be useful here for clarity. Reading more--she does know. Okay. That problem's gone.

It had a been a girl roughly of our age, and they’d seemed fairly close – arms around shoulders, that kind of thing. But that wasn’t the point!


This is a little too ruffled feathers for me to be a thought? At the same time, I can see Leo's frustration and his character shows here. It wasn't a date--at least not yet. I'm hoping they do go on a date. Maybe it's actually Camillo's sister. Or maybe he does have a girlfriend--one he's unhappy with? I'm just wondering right now how they'll end up becoming closer, which I know we'll find out in later chapters. I'm interested to see that this is broken up into two chapters, and I'm wonder how they'll end up getting closer to each other.

One last part that I thought needed clarification--Ron. I'm not sure if this happened to be addressed in the first chapter (I don't think so) but we don't know who Ron is. A step-dad? His mother's boyfriend? We aren't able to tell and some context (this is something I think you might want to work on since your readers don't know everything you do) would be useful in understanding the story. Overall solid chapter though, as expected!

If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.

Image




ExOmelas says...


Oh dammit that's the formatting. On the document I wrote it there's a double line before he starts talking to his mother.

Ron's his coach, which I definitely mentioned in chapter 1. But I could reinforce that here if you think it's necessary?

Thanks for the review :)



Virgil says...


Oops. I totally forgot about that. Nah, probably not. You can if you want to. I just have a terrible memory.



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Sun Jun 04, 2017 5:10 pm
inktopus wrote a review...



Hey, Bisc! I thought that I would get to this sooner, but I didn't (I'm a lazy procrastinator, sue me). With that said, let's jump right into this!

“Yes, Camillo, I know that you can play on hard courts.”

This bit of dialogue doesn't seem to really fit with the relationship between Camillo and Leo. To me, this almost seems like light teasing. Context is everything, but I don't think fits the conversation very well in the context it's used in. I would use dialogue like this for light banter between characters that are very comfortable around each other, not to show that Leo is upset about not winning the match. (if this is confusing, just ask me to clarify. It's hard for to explain this, so I'm hoping that this is good enough.)

We sat down on a bench fairly similar to the ones in the locker rooms, except they had backs to them. For some reason they faced away from the courts, which led to each of us tailing off and twisting round to see what was happening when the grunting got really intense.

This description is a bit confusing. Since there's been time between me reading about the locker room and now, I don't remember what the locker room looks like. Also: who's them? If you want to clear this up, I'd say to not compare it to the locker room benches and clarify who 'them' is because I have no clue.

“Mum, please stop mentally planning our wedding. I’m almost certain he’s got a girlfriend… Or maybe a sister… It wasn’t a date, alright!”

I was really confused before I realized that Camillo was seen by Leo with some woman his age. If you're going to reference this moment, you may want to add something more (perhaps in Leo's thoughts) to jog the reader's memory.

“So how was your date?” my mum asked as she stabbed with her fork at her last few salad leaves.

A bit of a nitpick, but I'm not a fan of 'salad leaves.' It just seems weird to me. 'Lettuce leaves' seems much better to me, but it's up to you.

Overall, it was pretty solid. The biggest problem I found this time was clunky writing. There were just some phrases that could have been stated better, but that can be fixed with a critical eye in edits. For the most part, your dialogue was good, and it was used in such a way that I got glimpses of the personality and feelings of your characters. Since you're in the habit of doing this (or you are actively trying to), I would recommend you use more dialogue as it will definitely help your characters develop in the reader's mind more quickly than if you used less.

You know where to find me if you have any questions, and I'm always happy to have a discussion if you want.

~Storm




ExOmelas says...


Thanks for the review :) For what it's worth, "them" was the benches. As in, there were backs to the benches. Might be weird phrasing. Will edit this then finish off chapter three :)



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Sun Jun 04, 2017 5:06 pm
DragonNoir wrote a review...



Hello! DragonNoir here for a review!

Woah. I honestly don't know where you're planning to go with this, but it seems very interesting... I think. Although my question is, why would Leo's mum think that he's in love with Camilo? I understand the point about Leo talking about him a lot, but that's kind of a very far-fetched concept to take up. Either way, I actually felt so sorry for Leo at the end! I always though Leo was more of a Spanish name, but that's just me. As for technicality, I don't think I noticed any mistakes and your language choices are perfect. As I said before, I look forwards to more character development for Camilo and maybe even Leo himself. Also, is Ron French or not? 'Ron' doesn't necessarily sound like a French name. Either way, I'm curious where you're going to go with this. Would you mind tagging me in a post when Chapter 3 is up?

Overall, I'd say this is an awesome piece. To improve, I think you could have had more character development for Camilo, but you could altogether do it in a different chapter.
I hope my review helped! :)




ExOmelas says...


Oh, I could have something like "ever since I came out my mum's thought I've been in love with every man I've mentioned."

Also I didn't want to provide too many answers about Camillo in this chapter but I hoped I asked some questions? The bit before the practice I mean




Doubt thou the stars are fire, doubt that the sun doth move. Doubt truth to be a liar, but never doubt I love.
— "Hamlet," William Shakespeare