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Young Writers Society



(LMS IV) The Drowner: 4.1

by ExOmelas


A/N: A fantasy writer I spoke to once said always err on the side of not enough information instead of too much. I am hoping I've hit the amount of dots to join quite well here, but if a few more dots would be helpful, let me know :)

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Even in Robin's dreams he felt the sun. He had gone so long with its cruel, heavy beams making his skin sizzle. The strength seeped out of him in beads of sweat as he stared across the battlefield. Somewhere in there was the border he had been sent to protect, but between his own men's tents and the enemies' barely three hundred yards away, it was impossible to find.

In this particular dream Robin was barefoot, and the sandy dirt crunched between his toes. His legs were bare too, and on closer inspection he was wearing only a small tunic and undergarments. He glanced around, but there were none of his men in sight.

He grabbed a fistful of his tent's thin linen door and shoved it out the way. He had no idea why he wasn't wearing his clothes but he'd soon rectify the situation.

But he didn't enter his tent. His dream took him back to that caver where it all began. He gasped, hurriedly scanning the dark, stony walls for that watery little figure, but it was nowhere to be seen. For a moment, he forced his pulse to calm and took a few deep breaths. He tried to focus on the feeling of the water energy powering around his body, that bright, electric feeling that meant so much more to him than a pulse.

Nothing. He was as ordinary a soldier as he had been before that day.

"Sir?"

He whirled around, and suddenly he was outside again, facing Gordon Graham, a middle aged soldier who had never made it past Footman rank. He was too nice, everyone knew, never thrashing the enemy into the dirt unless he absolutely had to. That was not the sort of heroism the palace looked to for promotion.

It killed Robin even as he dreamed to remember that this flea had saved his life.

"Sir!" Graham screamed.

Graham melted away, replaced by the black-robed figure of the assassin. The face was nothing but a shadow, even more obscured than it actually had been. Robin's arms raised themselves casually in front of him, easily going through the motions of combat that they had become so used to. He would concentrate the energy of the water into his palms, then out would fly the cold, powerful tendrils of water. He could wrap them around his enemy's neck, thrust the water down their throat until they drowned, it didn't really matter. He could handle this so easily.

But not on that day. Graham popped back into existence with his dagger in the assassin's neck, his eyes wide at the sight of his powerless Senior Lead. Robin remembered shrugging him off, pretending that he'd stumbled on the guy rope of his tent, but that quiet, gaping look Graham had given him grew and grew until it filled the entire vision of his dream.

There was a knock at Robin's door.

The first few times Robin had had the nightmare he'd shot bolt upright in bed at the slightest bird chirp outside his window. Now, even through the persistent rapping on his door, he could summon only the strength only to drag himself sideways off the bed. It took most of his remaining willpower to push himself into a standing position, instead of just falling into a crouch.

His room at the palace was enormous, an opulent endorsement of the queen's faith in him. But at that moment he'd have rathered his kingsize bed with its gold frame be crammed in much closer to the door. He crosses the cold, darkly tiled floor, past his small wooden desk and beautiful leather couch, then finally reached his door.

He grabbed his deep red silk robe off the back of the door, as the knocking got louder and louder, and tied it tightly around himself.

He opened the door, and almost got punched in the face by his father, whose fist was raised ready to knock yet again.

"Bloody hell, father!" Robin exclaimed, "Something had better be on fire."

His father, Lynas, let his hand fall to his side for only a moment, then immediately was pointing a chubby index finger right in Robin's face.

"What in the name of God did you say to Leara?" Lynas was practically growling. Robin rolled his eyes and reluctantly gestured for him to enter his bedroom, then carefully locked the door behind them.

He sighed, and ran his hand down his face. "When I talked to Queen Leara, I put it to her that morale was at an all time low out there. I suggested to her that her drought on rewarding bravery with official royal recognition was maybe stifling desire to give all of oneself to one's comrades."

Lynas took a seat on the leather couch, which stank a little as the early morning sunlight flooded it through the window right above it. He frowned. "And what exactly did she say to that?"

Robin shrugged. "She took a bit of persuading. But it's not like she knows anything about war. I told her if she really wants to extract herself from all the wars her father waged without too much mess, she needed an army as powerful as it could be to defend itself."

Lynas crossed his legs and leaned back, stroking his well-kept grey beard. "And she was convinced by this, presumably above the insistence of both your fellow Senior Leads."

Robin nodded. He bustled around his bedroom, making a big show of getting ready for the day. A little sigh of relief fluttered out of him as he opened his wardrobe and found that there were indeed clothes in there.

He turned back to face his father. "Well, Wailit and Penidar weren't overly enthusiastic that the first honoured soldier in almost five years would come from outwith their ranks, but honestly that actually seemed to sway her more."

Lynas started to chuckle, then stopped himself. "But I read the report! All it said was that your footman put a dagger in an assassin. Sure, it was more flowery language than that, the words 'dazzling glory' popped up a lot, if I remember right. But the soldier did what he was trained to do. What was so spectacular about it? Had he been tied up and trying to escape until the seconds before his act? Was he blindfolded? Were there other assassins that he thwarted the plans of? Why build up such a normal act, a frankly quite boring act?"

Robin slipped quickly into his washroom and shoved his tunic and breeches on. He looked in the mirror, studied its elegant silver frame with its swooping metal curves. Deep brown eyes blinked back at him, deep set in his dark brown skin after another terrible night's sleep. Slowly, carefully, he pushed his weight up from where he had been leaning on the sink, and walked back out into his main bedroom.

He looked down at his father. "I have to go now, Dad. I have to practice."

He stared at the ground as he turned to the right and walked towards his door. His father said something about how he hadn't practiced in years but he didn't bother looking around. He swung the door open, following it out into the wide, well-lit hall. He figured his father might close the door behind himself as he left, but after a moment's thought found he struggled to care either way.

He had to practice.


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Mon Sep 03, 2018 7:29 pm
BluesClues wrote a review...



As Pan said, the dream is really bizarrely put together - I was thinking that while I read. One moment that particularly struck me was the moment when Robin thought about the texture of the ground beneath his feet. Not that I'm saying no one ever notices small details in their dreams, and for all I know your dreams are vastly different from mine. But! Overall this dream just felt like a complete scene, very put together until Graham's face took up Robin's entire field of view at the end. And dreams, at least in my experience, are generally not that fluid and put-together, even when they follow a plotline, so to speak.

A much more minor point that bugged me in the dream was the use of the word "nice" followed by Robin thinking of Graham as a "flea." I think it's just that the word "nice" made it sound like people, including Robin, respect Graham even if they realize he's not really cut out for battle, but then "flea" made it sound like Robin actually has a much lower opinion of him for his "niceness." So maybe just a word other than "nice." How do people view this "niceness" if it means Graham prefers not to beat their enemies into the dust? Weakness? Cowardice? Inability to stomach bloodshed?

I actually did like the bit with the wardrobe, because it harked back to Robin's clotheslessness in his dream. Although he was just not wearing clothes (sort of) in his dream; it wasn't that his wardrobe was empty. So I can see how people might not see the connection because it's only a tenuous one. I got it and liked the reminder/the feeling that the dream is still sort of clinging to him now that he's awake, but on closer examination it doesn't quite hold up.

Admittedly, I know nothing about this world, but I'm surprised by the way Robin talks to his father about the queen (his stepmother? is he the prince? I'm not quite clear on that point), especially given that Lynas is originally like, "WHAT DID YOU SAY TO HER???" but from there is totally onboard with everything Robin says. So Robin doesn't respond to his father coming in all angry in any significant way - he's just like "oh, you know, I just set her straight." And far from spending any time actually as angry or at least irritated as he seemed when he came in, Lynas immediately chills out once Robin starts talking, which seemed a bit contradictory to me.




ExOmelas says...


*sigh* yeah, this all makes sense. I don't know why my LMS just isn't clicking very well - tbh that's the real reason I'm not desperate to publish chapters :P Cos like, the moment you tell me it would be better if Lynas remained angry, I'm like, of course that's true, why didn't I do that. Same with explaining who Robin is (in the next chapter they have interactions of their own, and they're roughly the same age. he's one of her most trusted military leaders, which i think might have come out in earlier chapters but it's so spread out i'm unsure). I'm just not feeling my sharpest on this.

I guess what I'm trying to say is... *shrugs* LMS?

Thanks for rescuing my poor wee chapter <3



BluesClues says...


BOOD, Bisc. Buuuuuuuuuut this is what revision is for.



ExOmelas says...


indeed!



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Thu Aug 09, 2018 2:55 pm
Panikos wrote a review...



Hiya, Bisc. I've got an absolute mountain of reviews to plough through, and what better place to start than with yours. I read this quite a while back but so much stuff has just piled up since, so thanks again for being so patient.

Small Comments

He would concentrate the energy of the water into his palms, then out would fly the cold, powerful tendrils of water.


There's something about this sentence that bothers me. Perhaps it's the repetition of 'water'. I also think that 'powerful tendrils' just doesn't work as an image, because it brings to mind something limp and fragile, not something that could crush a person's windpipe.

He could wrap them around his enemy's neck, thrust the water down their throat until they drowned, it didn't really matter.


I'd change that last comma to a semi-colon to avoid a comma splice.

He crosses the cold, darkly tiled floor


Tense slippage.

His father, Lynas, let his hand fall to his side for only a moment, then immediately was pointing a chubby index finger right in Robin's face.


I'm not sure why you use the progressive aspect here. 'Then immediately pointed a chubby index finger' would fit much better.

Lynas took a seat on the leather couch, which stank a little


Guessing you meant 'sank'? Cracking typo. :P

I told her if she really wants to extract herself from all the wars her father waged without too much mess, she needed an army as powerful as it could be to defend itself."


I found this a bit cumbersome, especially towards the end of the sentence. You could have something like:

I told her if she really wants to extract herself from all the wars her father waged without too much mess, she needs an army that can defend itself."

Or:

I told her if she really wants to extract herself from all the wars her father waged without too much mess, she needs an army powerful enough to defend itself."

Or even just:

I told her if she really wants to extract herself from all the wars her father waged without too much mess, she needs a powerful army."

Just suggestions, of course, but I feel like any of these would make your point more clearly.

A little sigh of relief fluttered out of him as he opened his wardrobe and found that there were indeed clothes in there.


I found this a bit odd. Why wouldn't there be? That's what a wardrobe's supposed to contain, after all.

Overall Thoughts

1) The first thing I want to mention is the dream. While I appreciate that it sheds light on a really interesting aspect of the story, it doesn't really feel anything like a dream. It's so obviously being used as an expository device, which robs it of its surrealism - because you're trying to explain something with it, you can't make it as weird as a dream should be. The little bits of oddness you do have, such as his lack of clothing, don't quite work either, because Robin is overly aware of them. One of the main characteristics of dreams, at least in my experience, is how completely ignorant you are to their strangeness until you wake up. I had a whole dream about leaving my hipbones in a library and at no point in the dream did I consider the impossibility of that fact. Robin, by contrast, feels way too aware of what's happening.

So it doesn't feel like a dream. It feels like a flashback, so it may as well be one. I'll have to see where the story goes to decide whether it's worth keeping or not, but at the moment, I have the uneasy feeling that it's just a way of getting some exposition out, which could otherwise be explored more subtly. Still, I am intrigued by the fact that Robin's powers seem to be failing him, and that Gordon may be the only person who knows.

2) Robin's character does seem interesting. Is he the 'drowner' the story is named for? I'm guessing so, seeing as he has command over water - or perhaps had command over water, as it doesn't look like his powers are working properly. Personality wise, I feel like I'm still getting to know him, but he doesn't seem that nice so far. Calling Gordon a flea, his interference with the Queen - it makes me mistrustful. But he does seem interesting.

3) My guess is that Robin has got the Queen to honour Gordon in an attempt to keep him quiet. Does he want to pacify him, because he suspects that Gordon could reveal his secret? I'm not sure. I don't really mind that I'm not sure, though. It helps to keep the mystery going.

4) Even though this chapter was interesting, I rather hope we'll see Gordon come to the palace within this chapter or the next. I know you've been worrying about pacing, and I think now is definitely the time to start the story properly and get to this ceremony, because you've laid all of your groundwork now. Don't wait too much longer.

I think that's all I've got to say for this one. Hope it helped, and ask if there's anything you want me to elaborate on. Looking forward to the next bit, as always.

Keep writing! :D
~Pan




ExOmelas says...


Ah, oops, I forgot I'd made Robin be a bit nasty about Gordon. You may find him inconsistently nice in the next chapter. I wouldn't say he's an angel but it probably won't fit. Maybe I could make it that he's trying to fit in with the way his father talks about lowly footsoldiers? I'm sure I could imply that at some point. Don't worry though, I'm not trying to make him perfect. It's just that I have flaws in mind for him and they aren't like petty nastiness, and I actually think they'll have more impact if he is in some ways a nice person xD

Gordon and Daena appear in the story about 1500 words from now, and I think it's in a fairly entertaining way, so I hope that's okay. I plan on skipping to the ceremony in the next chapter.

Thanks for the review! :D




Never use your shield as a dinner plate, for that is when the enemy is most likely to attack.
— The KotGR Commander