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Young Writers Society



(LMS IV) The Drowner: 2.2

by ExOmelas


A/N: I feel like there isn't very much plot progression here but that might be because I thought I'd explain things well enough in the last chapter xD Hopefully this will clarify things for people who thought that was not the case, while not boring people who didn't!

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Daena traced her hand back and forth along a scrape on the living room table. The letter had gone on to say that her father, Gordon, would be arriving home from service that night. However, it had failed to mention what time at night. And so, at nine in the evening, with the sun having set over a cool autumn day, she was crouched over the table, ready to pounce at the door at the first knock.

The table juddered noisily.

"Hi," said Janet, who had just thudded down onto the chair just round the table from Daena.

"Hi, Janet," Daena said, "How are you?"

Janet took a deep breath. "I'm fine, I think. I'll try to be. Look, me and Dad didn't end on the best of terms."

Daena raised an eyebrow. "Were you ever on the best of terms?"

Janet's jaw clenched. "No, I suppose not. I know you don't understand because Dad is literally your best friend in the entire world-"

"I have friends," Daena interjected.

Janet raised both her hands palm upwards and shrugged. "Who, exactly? That's not the point, okay? I know you get on really well with Dad. Well, I don't, but I'm going to try, okay?"

Daena nodded, but didn't say anything.

"Before Dad went away last time, we had an argument," Janet said. Ironically she was staring at the spot on the table that Daena had been directing her nervous energy towards a moment before.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Daena asked.

Janet took another deep breath, then looked up into Daena's eyes. "Yeah, yeah I think I do. It was dark. I hate how early it gets dark in winter. Anyway, I was just coming back from collecting some money and-"

There was a knock at the door. Daena looked from Janet to the door, and back. Should she Ali answer the door and take Daena to the bedroom or something? But then the door swung open with a long, quiet creak. But in the abrupt silence, the creak sounded more like a loud, angry screech.

"Daena! Janet!" Gordon Graham shouted, "Where's your mum and brother?"

Daena's eyes glued themselves to his tall, lithe frame. His fluffy brown hair stuck up at all angles, probably because of the shiny metal helmet hoisted up under one arm. Alistair came bounding through from the kitchen and shot right into Gordon's arms, clutching his thick woollen sleeves.

The excitement bubbled up inside Daena like fizzy wine and she couldn't hold herself back any longer.

"Dad!" she screamed, barrelling forward and into his arms. "Oops, didn't mean to squash you, Ali."

Gordon's embrace was warm and strong, everything Daena had longed for over the past six months. Oddly, now that she was finally experiencing it, in a way it actually didn't feel incredible as she'd been expecting. Instead, it just felt right. It felt normal.

After a moment, Gordon pushed them lightly away and took a step into the room. Daena followed his gaze as it settled on Janet.

"Hi, Janet," he said, "How are you?"

She eased her chair out from the table and stood up. With a quick glance towards Daena, she raised her head high and said, "I'm alright. How are you?"

Gordon gave Daena and Ali each a quick squeeze on the shoulder, grinning down at them. He looked up at Janet. "I'm very good, as of now. Where's your mother?"

"Town meeting," Janet said. She started clearing away the plates that the four of them had used for dinner before Clara had headed out.

As she disappeared into the kitchen, Gordon's mouth twitched and his smile almost dropped. Daena stepped away from him and beckoned for Alistair to come with her, sitting he and herself down on the hard, wooden backed couch. Where was the excitable chatter from her little brother? Had he finally gotten too old for her father to lift him up above his head like a trophy? Her father should be showing off his sword to her, or telling her tales of his adventures. Instead, he sat wordlessly down on the armchair across the coffee table.

"So, Dad, tell us all about when you saved Sir Robin!" Daena exclaimed. Her excitable voice rang out in the still tension, but what else could she do?

Gordon smiled sadly with one side of his mouth. "Maybe later, honey. I want to tell you all about it, really, but I have to talk to your mother first, alright? So how are you, my little wonders?"

Daena did her best not to let her shoulders slump. "Well, not much really. Not much ever happens here."

"Ah," Gordon said. He frowned at the table for a moment, chewing on his lip. Then he looked up and said, "How about you, Ali? You finish up your schooling?"

"Yeah," Alistair said. He sighed, his mouth settling into a straight, glum line. "I've been put on an apprenticeship with Joe Hutcheon."

Gordon's eyes widened, and he exclaimed, "The blacksmith?"

Alistair nodded, balancing his elbow on his thigh and his head on his hand. "I wanted to learn from Mum but the schoolmaster said Mum already had Daena and Janet and that I'd sit around doing nothing."

Gordon reached a hand across and held Alistair's shoulder. "I'm sorry, buddy. Do you want me to go down there and tell them you've never sat still for a day in your life? I know it’s more than just a business to you kids. It always seems to make you so happy, so proud. I’ll do anything I can to help you keep hold of that."

Alistair shook his head. "Mum tried. But the town voted ages ago that no family needs more than two kids working for it. So I have to go be a stupid blacksmith and break my back and get my hands dirty and work in the dark..."

Alistair's listing got faster and faster and before long his voice was catching and tears sprang to his eyes. Daena didn't know what to do. Should she put her arm around him? Talk about something else? But before she could do anything her father sprang into action and darted round to their side of the table. He squeezed in between the couch and the table, and wrapped his arms around Alistair.

This really was not how today was supposed to go.


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Thu Jul 26, 2018 8:02 pm
Messenger wrote a review...



Hey mah dood, I'm here finally.

"Before Dad went away last time, we had an argument," Janet said. Ironically she was staring at the spot on the table that Daena had been directing her nervous energy towards a moment before.

Umm. This sentence actually confused me. Like, I think I get what you're trying to say, that Janet has a lot of nervous energy in re-telling her story just like Daena has waiting for Dad but then again, I don't know. It just seemed like an awkward phrase.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Daena asked. Is she hesitant? Does she want to know but is not sure if it's stepping a line? Janet DID just storm off

Janet took another deep breath, then looked up into Daena's eyes. "Yeah, yeah I think I do. It was dark. I hate how early it gets dark in winter. does she say this as loud as the rest, or just kind of as an aside to herself in a quieter tone? Anyway, I was just coming back from collecting some money and-"

There was a knock at the door. Daena looked from Janet to the door, and back. Should she Ali answer the door and take Daena to the bedroom or something? But then the door swung open with a long, quiet creak. But in the abrupt silence, the creak sounded more like a loud, angry screech.

So I know this is a big chunk to copy+paste but... okay here goes. It feels too fast. I Get the idea. You build up the tension, we are getting to find out why they're not on good terms yay, and then boom Evil Ex Machina. HOWEVER, it felt rushed. Is Janet nervous about telling Daena cuz it seems like a big deal? Would she look into her eyes the whole times she says this? It would slightly freak me out. I feel like it just went too fast. Like in a movie there would be a pause, then she would say "wanna talk?", then Janet would hesitate, then shake her head, then start slowly, and say "Yada yadayada" And how does Daena respond? Does she lean in, drop her gaze? Then you've got a couple nitpicks :P

Gordon's embrace was warm and strong, everything Daena had longed for over the past six months. Oddly, now that she was finally experiencing it, in a way it actually didn't feel incredible as she'd been expecting. Instead, it just felt right. It felt normal.

Love this. For one thing, it's heartwarming, and for another, it's actually very true. Like you expect something like this, or a kiss with a boyfriend/girlfriend or a hug to be this like fireworks things but instead, it's just perfect and RIGHT.

okay, so Ali is adorbs I'll adopt like yesterday <3

But maaaaan what just happened? I feel like there's so much stuff that we have no idea about that turned this SO sour so fast. It's got me interested but also thrown for a loop because it didn't seem like there was this much tension. I think part of it (or most of it) came from Ali. He seemed totally fine the past two chapters, never once mentioning, let alone complaining about the blacksmith job. I think mentioning it earlier but having him shrug it off like it's ok, giving us time to sympathize and worry for him would make this impact us a lot more.

And what is there mom's job? That part confused me. It's just a minor thing, and maybe I missed (or forgot :P) but I'm curious.

I hope that wasn't super nitpicky. I felt like I had a lot of thoughts to say, but I tried to condense it to the most important ones. I'll be hitting chapter 3 right away. ;)

~Mess




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Fri Jul 20, 2018 1:48 am
inktopus wrote a review...



Hey, Bisc! let's get to it!

"Hi, Janet," he said, "How are you?"

Pronoun issue. Also, I think this is kind of strange to say to a sibling. I know their relationship is strained, but if this is how they normally talk to each other, then you should probably say something like they're formal to avoid fighting or something.

The excitement bubbled up inside Daena like fizzy wine and she couldn't hold herself back any longer.

Maybe this is a cultural thing between Scotland and the US, but I think champagne makes more sense here.

I don't have a lot of nitpicks here. I'm mainly interested in the family dynamic and how the town works. It seems like you're starting to get into some drama about Alistair not being able to be involved with the family business.

My question is why the town council gets so much say. I mean, it's one thing for Ali's parents to listen to what his teacher has to say, but it's entirely another thing to have a law like that. It seems cruel and kind of dumb. Why should the council need to be that involved in the lives of the people running the town's businesses?

Even if the rule did make sense, why isn't Daena doing something else? Clearly, she hates the business, so wouldn't it make more sense for Ali to get to stay doing what he loves and let Daena join the military or whatever it is that she wants to do. I just think that these are questions your audience might ask, and if you don't have decent answers (or any at all), then the setup is going to feel contrived.

As it is now, I see a fairly easy solution. I know you don't have all your cards on the table, but being candid, it's kind of irritating to not know what's going on. It's one thing to introduce the information naturally, but it kind of feels like you're keeping the world a secret from the audience on purpose, and I don't know why.

There are a few different kinds of suspense, but you don't want to be using this kind. This feels contrived, and to me, I don't like not knowing how the world works. Some of it might be because these installments are spread out, so everything feels slowed down, but I just wanted you to know how I feel about it.

Overall, I'm just kind of frustrated about the lack of information in this chapter. I really wish I could understand the circumstances better now. Or maybe I'm just impatient. Either way, let's talk about this!

~Ink




ExOmelas says...


sigh, none of this was really meant to be a secret. it's one of those things where i've done worldbuilding and forget to explain it. basically the town is a very internal economy and the town meetings manage it. businesses are not allowed to have more than two children working for them so that families do not have lots of children in order to get workers, in order to keep population at a nice, relaxed level. as i type this out i realise this is not intuitive at all. neither presumably is the fact that first children are raised to at least go into the business, if not take over, so by the time it comes to assign Alistair to a place of work, there is no space for him with his family business.

I'm not really sure why I'm doing so badly with this. I certainly didn't feel right about this chapter when I posted it - maybe not these specific reasons, but something felt missing. I think I'm just impatient to get to the palace so neglecting a lot of what is necessary to get there.



inktopus says...


Don't worry too much about it! These are the things you can add in when editing.



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Tue Jul 17, 2018 9:56 am
Panikos wrote a review...



Hiya, Biscuits! Great to see another chapter of this.

Small Comments

The table juddered noisily.

"Hi," said Janet, who had just thudded down onto the chair just round the table from Daena.


I feel like the chronology feels a bit off here. It's as if the table judders and then Janet sits down, even though her sitting down is what causes the juddering. Maybe if you had something like this:

The table juddered as Janet thudded into the chair opposite.

"Hi," she said.


I feel like this captures the cause and effect better, but I'll leave it to you to decide.

"Hi, Janet," Daena said, "How are you?"


Given that Janet is the only person in the room, I don't think she'd address her by name. It's redundant.

Look, me and Dad didn't end on the best of terms."


Would 'part' be better than 'end', given that that's the usual phrase? 'End' sounds kind of sinister. Then again, this is dialogue, so it's fair enough if the expression isn't quite as smooth.

Janet raised both her hands palm upwards


I'm guessing you changed a word here and forgot to delete the original. Also, another thing, but I'm not sure you need 'upwards' - 'raised' already suggests an upward movement.

Should she Ali answer the door


I'm guessing you meant 'get Ali to answer the door'.

But then the door swung open with a long, quiet creak. But in the abrupt silence, the creak sounded more like a loud, angry screech.


It feels counterproductive to describe something as quiet and then say one sentence later that it actually sounded loud. I know what you're going for, but it just feels dissonant and makes it hard to visualise. Something like 'the door swung open with a creak - a quiet sound, but still far too loud in the silence' might get the image across better.

"Daena! Janet!" Gordon Graham shouted, "Where's your mum and brother?"


Remember what I said in my last review about dialogue punctuation in sentences like this? If the dialogue tag comes between two independent clauses of dialogue, you should have a full stop rather than a comma.

Alistair to come with her, sitting he and herself


Shouldn't this be 'him'? You wouldn't say 'sitting he down'.

"So how are you, my little wonders?"

Daena did her best not to let her shoulders slump. "Well, not much really. Not much ever happens here."


Bit of a dialogue mismatch here. Did he originally ask them what they'd been up to?

Gordon's eyes widened, and he exclaimed, "The blacksmith?"


You don't need the dialogue tag here, as it's already fairly clear who's talking.

Overall Thoughts

1) I think there's more plot progression in this chapter than you give yourself credit for! I really enjoyed seeing Gordon return, because I think it highlighted the strained relationships within the family and revealed much more about Daena's character. It hurts to see her trying so hard to make the reunion live up to her expectations, only for things to go quietly - but not disastrously - wrong. I can relate to her so much on that. We all have these days that we build up and up in our heads, so that anything less than perfection is disappointing.

2) Enjoyed the tense exchange between Janet and Gordon, and how she's the only child to not run forward and hug him. They're civil with each other, but there's no real warmth there. It's really good showing.

3) I do love that the whole reunion fails to meet Daena's expectations, but the awkwardness could come through more strongly. I'll focus in on this part:

Daena stepped away from him and beckoned for Alistair to come with her, sitting he and herself down on the hard, wooden backed couch. Where was the excitable chatter from her little brother? Had he finally gotten too old for her father to lift him up above his head like a trophy? Her father should be showing off his sword to her, or telling her tales of his adventures. Instead, he sat wordlessly down on the armchair across the coffee table.


I was a little confused here, because by this point I hadn't had any indication that Gordon had been behaving unusually. It just seemed like the tension between him and Janet was making things a bit uncomfortable. Alistair had also seemed pretty excitable in how he bounded right into Gordon's arms. Basically, it just feels like some of the claims you're making in this paragraph don't feel like they have enough support in the rest of the chapter. I wouldn't have picked up on the oddness if it wasn't spelt out here.

Could Gordon be a bit more distracted, perhaps? Could Alistair come down to hug him, but not in the bubbling, excited way that Daena does? Just try and show the deflation more in how everyone acts. It would be good (and by good I mean really sad) if we got the impression that Daena was the only one who was truly excited.

4) I like the bit with Alistair crying, though. That's a really good way to throw the evening off-kilter, and you segue into it naturally. It sort of reminds me of people ending up in tears on Christmas Day, and how it feels doubly worse because Christmas is always supposed to be super jolly and perfect. I feel like Daena is having the whole disappointing-Christmas experience, actually, where there's so much pressure for things to be good that the slightest disturbance feels ten times worse.

5) I do feel like the chapter drops off a bit prematurely, like the scene isn't fully rounded off. If there's a chapter 2.3 to come, that's not an issue, but if this is supposed to be the end of the chapter, definitely flesh it out a bit.

That's all for this review! I'm really getting into this story now. I want to know what Janet and Gordon argued about all that time ago, and something tells me that Gordon is being deliberately evasive about how he saved Sir Robin for a reason. I can't really predict where the story is going, but I'm excited to find out.

Keep writing! :D
~Pan





Meet me in Montauk.
— Charlie Kaufman