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Young Writers Society



Fur Feathers Scales and Stars - 3.1

by ExOmelas


Treego

The wonder on Gerry McCaw’s face was almost pure enough to excuse the early hour, in Treego Dart’s opinion. Maybe it was overexposure to their human bosses but Treego was firmly convinced that nothing productive could ever be achieved before ten o’clock in the morning. Maybe that was why Chip had chosen to open with the video – a reminder that sometimes, if you’re lucky, it actually is worth it to put in some effort.

It really was heartening to watch the video. It had been sent yesterday from Aeralis, eight days since they’d warily taken off into the relatively calm gravity field of the planet. Seemingly, Margo Whipple had been right about the drills; ever since the Archess had ordered the cessation of their operation, the gravity surges had also stopped happening in her province. Many other province leaders had since followed suit. What this meant for the future of Aeralin architecture, Treego didn’t know, but it wasn’t as if he could do anything about it. He smiled at McCaw, who was grinning straight at him, then sat back and watched the video.

It was of the Archess’ two children, Oran and Minia, playing in the palace gardens. They were chasing each other round in circles, but not as wolf pups did back on Earth. Their circles were in the air, around all kind of axes. Their sleek bottom halves let them whiz through the air as they whooshed past the camera lens. They giggled almost maniacally as they played and their joy really was slicing through Treego’s drowsiness. The images switched to similar activities on the parts of the children, but this time they were racing each other round a long, wide, positively cavernous hall. It had paintings lining the walls and elegant black chandeliers hanging from a monstrously high ceiling. McCaw’s squawk of delight on seeing the children flying so high that they skiffed the cornices gave Treego a sharp, warm feeling in his chest.

Then the video finished, the screen went black, and Chip cleared his throat to start the meeting. Treego sighed. What chaos were they going to have to fix today?

“I want to talk about Lezeki,” said Chip. His eyes were narrowed and his brow was low.

Treego was sitting directly across the circular table from Dr. Margo Whipple. Margo’s eyes had gone wide at this, and Treego could almost hear her heart thudding from six feet away.

“Don’t worry.” Chip smiled. “I’m not about to go chasing after him. The fear – the panic – I saw in you, Margo, when Kernik convinced me to look up at the communication screen … It was the same panic I felt when I saw Lezeki. Trust me, I’m not in the business of making my crew feel like space has developed gravity and they’re going to plummet to their deaths at the bottom of it.”

Margo smiled and nodded at Kernik, who was standing in the middle of the desk space just to Treego’s right. He’d been promoted after the previous week, where he’d essentially stopped Chip from setting out on a hopeless quest for a wasp none of them had a clue of the location of. Few people had argued with his reward.

“But Ochon’s,” Chip went on, “Er, I mean Boinet’s funeral kind of … distracted us … We need to discuss this before Earth sends us off to correct the gravity of any more ailing planets.”

As Chip had spoken Ochon’s first name, he had glanced at Kernik, who had nodded at the correction and was now continuing to nod as Chip set out his plans to launch an enquiry.

“We need at least these four questions answered,” Chip said. He held up a long, furry finger and continued, “One. Where the hell Lezeki is. Two –” he added his middle finger – “Where Mar – my sister is. Three, how those nanobots managed to infiltrate our defences. And four – how they then managed to disrupt our systems so spectacularly … Any thoughts?”

The entire room was silent. For the meeting, Chip had assembled Treego, Gerry McCaw, Margo Whipple, the newly promoted Executive Comms Officer Kernik Ochon and Alexandra Flicktail, one of the most senior pilots on board the JCST Canopy. Not one of them made another sound for what Treego guessed to be around ten to fifteen seconds. The room was mostly white-walled but there were a few pictures of famous Earthan landmarks dotted around about. Plenty to “distract” you while you resolutely avoided your captain’s eye.

Chip sighed, definitely more loudly than he needed to. “Look, come on, it’s not going to be easy so we might as well get it over with. Question one. Do we know where Lezeki is? … Margo?”

“No, I don’t, Chip.” Margo frowned. “Why are you asking me?”

Chip didn’t reply. Instead he turned to Alexandra Flicktail and said, “Alex?”

“No idea, sir,” Alex shrugged.

“Gerry?”

“Nope?”

“Kernik?”

“No, sir.”

“Treego?”

“I don’t know either, Chip.” Treego let one side of his mouth tug upward as he shrugged. Quickfire questioning of everyone in the room. Captain Chip Puccoon was well and truly back. This was how he made everyone feel involved.

Chip sat back and smiled at them all. “See, that wasn’t so hard, was it? Now, as you all know, I – and Gerry, too – was somewhat incapacitated at the moment of the Great Wasp’s departure. Who can tell me at what point that occurred?”

Flicktail raised her hand. She squirmed a little when all eyes turned to her but then she took a deep breath and said, “When Ochon … Boinet? Boinet foiled Lezeki’s plans he grumbled something and terminated his contact with the ship. I would assume this was when he cleared off.”

Chip nodded. “Sounds logical. Alright, you would expect if anyone knew anything about my sister it would be me and I don’t so … no one? No? Okay, question three – how did the nanobots get on the ship?”

Silence again.

“It’s alright,” Chip said, “I know what you must all be thinking. And I think we need to consider it. There was no alarm, no record of any tampering with the teleportation dampeners, no unauthorised crafts boarding us.”

“Somebody let them in,” said Kernik. Kernik always had a deeper voice than you’d expect for his size but here he spoke with a pitch lower than you would expect from a lion, or a very, very angry wolf.

“Or aided them in some other way, yes.” Chip nodded.

Treego spotted Margo’s eyes flicking towards the desk on which Kernik stood but she didn’t quite make eye contact with the spider. Treego wondered if she suspected Kernik, or the Bug Division more broadly. After all, they had most reason to hate the humans’ guts, having been landed with all the most menial jobs aboard the ship.

Chip didn’t seem to have noticed because he was still talking. “Now, we all know Lezeki’s main aim the first time around was to bring glory to bug-kind.”

Treego remembered that very well indeed. It had been about a year after the ‘Awakening’, when they’d all developed speech, reasoning, conscious thought etc. Lezeki had been an admin assistant on their ship and his mutiny of Bug Division members had caused havoc. It still seemed ridiculous that the humans had sent him back, but then you remembered that the humans wanted nothing to do with any of them, and it made more sense.

It was therefore unsurprising that the most anthro-hostile officers, those most likely to be sympathetic to Lezeki’s cause – the Bug Division – were coming under suspicion from the rest of the crew.

“So what we need to figure out is who would have the most to gain from the demise of the humans.” Chip stared round each one of them in turn. Treego tensed when his gaze fell on Kernik, but Chip lingered on him no longer than on anybody else.

Kernik, however, seemed to feel the tension anyway. “Look, I know you’re all looking at me, or at least trying very hard not to, but if you won’t accept me telling you the Bug Division had nothing to do with it, at least consider the method. Why would a BD member tamper with something so fiddly we inevitably would be the ones recruited to fix it?”

Almost immediately, Margo said, “Can’t argue with that.”

She must have spoken either too loudly or too quickly, because everyone, including Kernik turned to stare at her.

She shrugged. “I don’t think it was them. And I really don’t think we should start letting people think it was.”

Chip nodded. “I agree. Whatever department the, er, traitor … belonged to, there’s no reason to suspect the entire rest of that department of Lezeki sympathy.”

Nobody dissented. Treego nearly breathed a sigh of relief.

“I honestly don’t think we’re going to find the culprit,” Chip said, “Unless somebody comes forward with new information, and it’s already been almost a fortnight so I doubt that, then we’re going to have to treat the problem itself. And that brings me to question four.”

He stared straight at Treego. Treego gulped.

“Officer Dart,” he announced, with a grin, “When the Conditions Management department removed the old heating system, we were all still deep in the grieving period and I, in my wallowing self-pity, ordered them to store it in the hold, so that I would not forget Boiret’s loyalty. I need you to go through the remains and see if you can find the remains of a frazzled fly-bot thing, or any evidence of their sabotage. We cannot have this happen again. I need you to understand how the attack worked, so that we can figure out how to defend ourselves from it.”

Treego gulped again.


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Sun Jun 25, 2017 6:38 pm
Rydia wrote a review...



So I still owe you give reviews this month and there's less than a week left but it's review day so I think we're okay...

Specifics

1. I feel like your first two sentences don't quite flow together but if you had a third sentence of 'Almost' in between them it would give us that link we need - the reinforcement that Treego isn't quite happy with being up this early and it would stop you having three middling to long sentences in a row.

2.

It was of the Archess’ two children, Oran and Minia, playing in the palace gardens. They were chasing each other round in circles, but not as wolf pups did back on Earth. Their circles were in the air, around all kind of axes.
While technically correct, axes feels really awkward here and with this being aimed at the younger audience, I think they'll misunderstand it.

3. Why have they been sent a video of the children and why do they need to be up early to view it? I'm reading the description of the video but feeling a bit bemused/ impatient to know what the point behind this is and that's not a particularly good way to feel about it. Maybe you'll explain in a moment but I think we need to know beforehand if we're to take any enjoyment from the description.

4. Okay so it doesn't seem there was a particular purpose to the video, in which case I think you gave it a little too much attention as it's focus is two character who we're not particularly interested in yet.

5.
As Chip had spoken Ochon’s first name, he had glanced at Kernik, who had nodded at the correction and was now continuing to nod as Chip set out his plans to launch an enquiry inquiry.


6.
The room was mostly white-walled but there were a few pictures of famous Earthan Earthen landmarks dotted around about.
Around about is a little awkward - I'd suggest choosing one or the other.

Overall

This is a pretty solid chapter and for the most part it flows well. I'm not sure I'm really getting a strong feel for Treego's personality here though despite it being from his point of view. When he's described in the chapters of others, he always seems a lot more alive - whether he's being afraid of something or hopping about the place. He also gets more dialogue in previous chapters which seems odd - if he's not the central focus of this chapter, why is it his view point?

Maybe it's because it's too early for him and he's therefore groggy but then again I ask why it's his chapter if he's not the one doing the most interesting things or having the most interesting thoughts at this moment in time?

I'm both happy and sad to see Kernik finding a place in the group because it seems early for that conflict to be lessening but I do like him as a character so having the others trust him finally is well deserved.

That's all I have for now! See you at the next chapter :)

~Heather




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Fri May 12, 2017 4:08 pm
MissGangamash wrote a review...



It's been a while, but I'm back again!

I don't really know why you put a subtitle to explain this is from Treego's POV when you haven't in the previous chapters. It isn't needed. It's pretty obvious it is from his POV. I think it's only really needed if you are writing in first person narrative.

Maybe its because I haven't read this in a while but I'm a little confused as to why Lezeki's plans have anything to do with the humans? And I'm not sure why he revolted in the first place, is it because the bugs are looked down on? Is he trying to prove that he can be a force to be reckoned with? If so, again, I don't understand why the humans sent him back to space after they caught him. He's clearly got an agenda.

I think a problem with your characters is that they all sound the same. They all speak the same. It makes them all sort of blend into one, so far, I'm not getting any specific traits from any of them and I feel I've read enough to point things out if they were there. A good way of seeing if your characters do have specific ways of talking is by writing a scene, maybe just for yourself, where a group of your characters are having a conversation but without specifying who is saying what. Then if they all just read and sound the same, you know you need to tweak some things. When all characters sound the same, it can make your dialogue a bit boring.

The idea that there is a traitor on Chip's ship is interesting and a good way to push the plot forwards. I wonder if it is someone we have already been introduced to...




ExOmelas says...


1. Haha, ironically I didn't originally then someone suggested I put one in XD

About characters sounding different: will look into this.

Lezeki: Yeah, there's a reason why they sent him back which I'm going to explain at some point, but it would be a bit of a spoiler. When I get a chance I'm going to put in some confusion on the part of other characters why they sent him back.



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Tue May 02, 2017 8:28 am
Dracula wrote a review...



Another installment, excellent! And I'm the third reviewer this time? Sorry I'm late. :P

The wonder on Gerry McCaw’s face was almost pure enough to excuse the early hour, in Treego Dart’s opinion.
I'm wondering if you could start each chapter with a little title which says whose point of view it's in? I was expecting it to carry on from Margo's storyline, is all, so was a put off a bit when I started the chapter.

It was of the Archess’ two children, Oran and Minia, playing in the palace gardens.
This paragraph evoked some emotion in me. It felt like one of those happy scenes in a movie, where a character if reminded of all the happiness in the world just before it's taken away from them. So it felt good, but I also feel a sense of dread, like Treego's going to be faced with an awful realisation. Guess I'll find out!

Margo’s eyes had gone wide at this, and Treego could almost hear her heart thudding from almost six feet away.
Almost sounds a little repetitive. The second one isn't needed.

And four – how they then managed to disrupt our systems so spectacularly … Any thoughts?”
Once again your dialogue is really well done. Chip's frustration comes along spectacularly. ;)

He stared straight at Treego. Treego gulped.
Excellent showing and not telling. And I know this isn't the end of the chapter, but let's just say it's the end of a 'scene'. I loved the way you ended with him gulping again. It seemed like the perfect conclusion. Like the TV episode is over but now I know what the next episode is going to be about: Treego fulfilling Chip's order.




ExOmelas says...


Oops, meant to start it with that. It is on my document xD

Will take out the second almost.

Thanks for the review! :D

(p.s. I saw this chapter on the "You've not done any reviews today: Why not review X?" bit, so it might have been that that got it so many reviews :P )



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Tue May 02, 2017 4:25 am
Hannah wrote a review...



Hey, there, Knight Biscuits!

It's been a long, long while, and I'm not sure I've even read any of your work before. Which is a shame, because this is pretty entertaining, and I feel like your pacing is some of the best I've encountered on YWS. Generally, pieces want to get into the action and keep moving through their stories as quickly as possible, but this piece understands the necessity to build characters, knowledge, and familiarity slowly through slower-paced scenes and the beauty of dialogue. I feel like I'm sitting and watching the scene play out on the movie or television screen, which was always the beauty of reading -- feeling like I'm in that scene. You have the pacing down pretty well, although I think you might even spend more time getting into this dialogue and transitioning out of it.

So, because I haven't read the rest of your chapters, I don't have the clearest idea about the plot, but I like how I can still get a good sense for it through your description. I see from the text (and your title), that there are many species/kinds of animal-beings and also humans and also bugs who are kind of interacting but not in the most peaceful way. I see that they work together in this capacity, but there's still a lot of mistrust between races, because obviously. :( I appreciate that you're aware of bringing in their unique qualities -- like the fact that one of the characters compared the children playing to wolf pups, or how when one of the characters was holding up furry fingers. I feel like I wanted more of those details about Treego, since he seems to be of interest in this chapter. Also, I don't think that "gulp" is quite the right word here. I feel like gulp is transitive, so he's going to be gulping something. I know it can be used the way you've used it here, but in this way it feels melodramatic or kind of silly? Like those big, exaggerated "GULP"s in cartoons rather than something more refined that would fit in with this well-crafted scene.

I hope these thoughts are helpful to you! If you have any questions/comments about this review, please PM me or leave a reply here.

Thanks for sharing,

Hannah

This review courtesy of
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ExOmelas says...


Thanks, Hannah! Most of what you just said is exactly what I tried to get across :D



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Tue May 02, 2017 3:59 am
Iggy wrote a review...



Hey Biscuits! You're my first review in a while, so I might be a little rusty. :P I also haven't read any of the previous chapters. Am just going to focus on this chapter itself and point out any technicalities I notice.

It really was heartening to watch the video.


I would swap "really" and "was". Just has a better flow that way, ya feel?

they were racing each other round a long, wide, positively cavernous hall.


I would change "round" to "around", since this isn't a line of dialogue. It would be acceptable slang there but not for a narrative line :P

“Don’t worry.” Chip smiled.


I would change the period in the dialogue line to a comma. See here to understand why. Demeter does a better job of explaining it than I can. :P

And that's all for the nitpicks!

So, obviously I was a bit confused during my reading of this because you have built a whole new world/universe here and I'm not up to speed on the lore. But from what I've read, you've got a pretty good story going here, with different species and everything! Plus, they're in space, which is always awesome. You have a good grasp on dialogue and moving the plot along in a timely pace.

Honestly, I like what I read so far and I may come back for more :P keep on writing this story! You're in the middle of something suspenseful, so don't let your readers down, or they might riot! :P




ExOmelas says...


Thanks for the review, Iggy!

Huh, I didn't know that "round" was slang - good to know.

I'll give that dialogue thing a look... and possibly change my grammar correction in reviews based on it :P

If you're interested I'll let you know when the next chapter is up? (which will be soon, because there's like 50,000 words written on my computer and I always post the next chapter once the last one is out the green room).

Thanks again :)




Talent is something that comes from within; it has nothing to do with age.
— AURORA