z

Young Writers Society



Fur Feathers Scales and Stars - 2.6

by ExOmelas


A/N: PM if you'd like a synopsis of the story so far :)

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   Margo could do nothing but watch as the long, lanky shadow edged closer and closer to Chip round the back of the console. Chip was shouting to various workers around the edges of the room, initialising any sort of spacecraft he could get his hands on. She could see big red symbols appearing on screens when Chip pointed at their controllers and shouted for something to be readied. What in the galaxy did a spacecraft look like when you had the innate ability to fly? Oh God, this was not going to end well.

Well, Margo could tell Chip at least one extra thing about the environment, but he had muted her. That had been his order. She’d heard the words from his mouth. She wanted to slap him. She wanted to run down the miles between him and slap him right in the face, with her claws out.

But that did not mean she wanted whatever fate that big black shape heralded to befall him. He was still her best friend.

“Chip, look out!” she screamed.

But he was keeping his eyes off the screen and fixed on the control panels around him. The black shadow was almost on him, then it was right at his shoulder, then it was just … gone.

“What is that?” Aliner exclaimed, pointing at the screen with her eyes screwed up. “That little black thing.”

Margo followed Aliner’s finger to just a few centimetres left of where the shadow had been. She was pointing at the light side of the console, where of course a shadow could no longer exist. Margo let the breath rush out of her and her shoulders drooped. Kernik may have been little, but by God could he cast a long shadow.

“That’s one of our officers,” Margo said, “His name’s Kernik.”

“What’s he going to do?” asked Dreko.

“God knows,” Margo replied. Then she took a deep breath, reset her shoulders and planted her feet as firmly as she could on the ground. “But as we seem to be powerless to do anything else, I say we find out.”

Her legs were quaking, though. What could the spider, whom Chip had barely spoken to before this mission, possibly think of to sway him?

“Chip!”

Apparently they were about to find out. Chip stared at Kernik, who had raised himself to Chip’s eye level by perching on top of a monitor. The monitor was about four times the size of the average household television on Earth.

“Kernik?” Chip frowned but didn’t turn round from the display he was studying. His hand did stop and hover over his keyboard though.

“Chip!” Kernik shouted again. “What are you doing?”

“The Buzzer’s out there, Kernik,” said Chip, shaking his head and continuing whatever he was typing. “You of all people should know why I have to stop him.”

“That’s a cheap shot and you know it.”

Margo was glad the picture was too zoomed out to get a glimpse of Kernik’s fangs, which must have been bared to the max.

“Look, what is it you’re you on about Kernik?” Chip finally turned round and glared at Kernik.

“You’re making it worse, Chip.” Margo could hear the snarl in Kernik’s voice. “Mate, this is insane! Stop jumping to conclusions and grow up!”

Chip whirled round, leaned right in towards Kernik and snarled so wide Margo winced.

“God, you’re like your brother. No respect for the chain of command, that bug.” Chip’s top lip was rippling and his breath was coming out in hisses. Then he took a deep breath and stood up straight. His voice as he spoke was almost too low to be picked up by the mic. “I’m trying to do what Ochon would have wanted. He gave his life to stop the Buzzer.”

“Good Lord would you stop calling him that?” Kernik roared. “The wasp’s name is Lezeki, alright? And you’re not doing what my brother – whose name was Boinet by the way, Ochon’s the family name – would have wanted. Well, maybe you are, I don’t know. You’re doing what he would have done. And that’s charge head first into the first enemy you can think of without even knowing he’s actually out there.”

Chip folded his arms. “And what makes you so sure he’s not?”

“I’m not,” Kernik admitted with a shrug, which with his circle of legs looked like a ripple of air flowing through a parachute. “I’m not sure. But I’m fairly confident that Whipple wouldn’t look like that if she wasn’t.”

Chip frowned. “Like what?”

“Turn around, Chip,” said Kernik, lowering his voice back down to what you’d expect from someone his size. “Turn round and look up at your chief Doctor. And, if you’re feeling generous, listen to her too.”

Chip was side-on to the screen, so Margo could see him close his eyes and draw himself up to full height. He turned round slowly, with his eyes still closed. But soon he was facing the screen, with his head tilted upwards. He opened his eyes.

Chip!” Margo shrieked, smiling in shock as she was matched in ferocity by both Aliner and Dreko. “Chip, listen to us!”

Chip gasped and looked as if the screen had been replaced by the Buzzer himself. His lips went pale and blended right into their surround fur. He heaved his arm up to point straight at Margo and stood with his mouth hanging open for at least ten seconds before speaking.

“Turn the sound on,” he said, with a massive gulp.

Margo wondered for a moment what the hell he’d seen, then she yelled as loudly as she could about the drill and about the Nokyemin and everything she’d learned in the past day.

Chip grabbed his ears with his hands and whimpered like a dog that had just been kicked. “Margo! Margo, quiet, quiet! That’s why I muted you in the first place.”

He was grinning though. Margo wasn’t sure she’d seen him grin all week.

“Chip, it’s the drill,” she rasped, “The drill is causing it. We don’t know how, but it is.”

He let out a breath with his eyes screwed up and let his head hang for a moment.

Then he jerked it up and shouted, “Abort! Abort everything! I’m sorry. Just, stop.”

“Well, that was sudden,” Margo murmured. Aliner nodded and Dreko raised his eyebrows.

“It was like you broke a spell or something,” Dreko agreed.

“What’s that?” Chip called, as everyone around him let out a collective sigh of relief, presumably that they wouldn’t have to explain to their Archess how they’d let an alien order her entire scout fleet into the moist pointless traffic jams of all time.

“Nothing,” said Margo. She smiled at him and he nodded. Then, lower, she added, “We sort of did, I guess.”

“We?” asked Aliner.

“The little black thing – Kernik,” Margo explained, “He and his brother have saved us from mayhem twice in the past seven days. Maybe we’ll actually get the chance to congratulate this one.”

“Huh?” Dreko tilted his head at her.

Margo shook her head. “No, nothing. Not important. I’ll be on the ward if you need me.”


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Sun May 28, 2017 8:04 pm
Rydia wrote a review...



Okay, last section for now, then I should review something in the Green Room/ get back to Feltrix' novel :)

Specifics

1.

Oh God, this was not going to end well.

Well, Margo could tell Chip at least one extra thing about the environment, but he had muted her.
The ending with well and starting the next sentence with well is awkward.

2. Kernick is potentially my favourite character. For all that he's probably plotting to take Chip down at some point, I can't say he doesn't deserve it right now. I've gone from really liking Chip to being exasperated annoyed by him very quickly.

3.
Chip was side-on to the screen, so Margo could see him close his eyes and draw himself up to his full height.


4.
Margo wondered for a moment what the hell he’d seen, then she yelled as loudly as she could about the drill and about the Nokyemin and everything she’d learned in the past day.
He's clearly ready to listen to her so why yell?

5.
“What’s that?” Chip called, as everyone around him let out a collective sigh of relief, presumably that they wouldn’t have to explain to their Archess how they’d let an alien order her entire scout fleet into the moist most pointless traffic jams of all time.


Overall

I feel like Margo is too quick to denounce her crew and captain in front of the planet's inhabitants. I understand her not trusting Kernick and it's kind of okay for her to admit that in front of them since she's worried for Chip at that point but it seems odd how open she is to them.

This section was fun, if a little anti climatic, but it made me unsure about whether I actually like Chip or not. He doesn't come across as much of a captain. I didn't mind some of his uncertainties/ mistakes before now because at least he trusted his crew and that for me is often more important than being competent yourself. But the moment he muted Margo he lost my vote there. Sure he comes back around because of Kernick but it just makes him look like a really flaky person. Or monkey I suppose!

Until next time :)

~Heather




ExOmelas says...


Is that dislike of Chip a good kind though? Like, it's what I'm going for at this point, but is it a satisfying tension, or just frustrating?



Rydia says...


It's just frustrating to be honest. I think it's because it feels like a fundamental flaw/ a character inconsistency rather than something which he can overcome and which we will love him all the more for later. His trusting his crew was his redeeming factor for me but if he is inconsistent on that then it's hard to be on his side!



ExOmelas says...


Hm... I'll see what I can do. I do try and redeem him in the next chapters a bit. I could also try making him less cool in the first chapter



Rydia says...


I think it would make more sense to make his failings more realistic/ more acceptable. Like if the equipment were broken instead of Margo being muted there'd still be a sense of tension of Margo not being able to communicate but it would be a less frustrating tension. Or maybe he accidentally leans on the mute button and flicks it on? Then he's being incompetent in an accidental way rather than purposefully ignoring a friend?



ExOmelas says...


The latter of those sounds quite good. I'll try writing that out



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Fri May 05, 2017 7:00 pm
MissGangamash wrote a review...



Hello again!

Nitpicks:

“Look, what is it you’re you on about Kernik?” - 'Look, what is it you're on about, Kernik' or maybe better, 'Look, what're you on about, Kernik?'

“Mate, this is insane! Stop jumping to conclusions and grow up!” - I just thought the 'mate' sounded really weird coming from a spider XD

'His voice as he spoke was almost too low to be picked up by the mic.' - don't need both 'his voice' and 'he spoke' choose one. 'His voice was...' or 'When he spoke, it was almost too low...'

'his circle of legs looked like a ripple of air flowing through a parachute.' - I really like that description.

'Then he jerked it up and shouted, “Abort! Abort everything! I’m sorry. Just, stop.”

“Well, that was sudden,” Margo murmured. Aliner nodded and Dreko raised his eyebrows.' - I feel like there needs to be more between these two bits. It was all a little too sudden. And It would be good to have more of a visual as to how everything was aborted. Were the crew slamming buttons and panicking over Chip's shouting? I think it is something the readers need to imagine clearly seeing as there was a big build up to it.


Right, annnd finished.

I'm glad that Kernik was able to talk Chip out of doing something stupid buuuuutttt at the same time I feel like this is a bit of an anti-climax. It would have been entertaining to see Chip be stupid, and I think it would have shaped his character better, for him to learn from his mistakes and not be so hot-headed.




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Sun Apr 30, 2017 6:24 pm
BluesClues wrote a review...



Spiders <3

Okay, so just to clarify, the black shadow at the start was Kernik, right? Because this was all DANGER WILL ROBINSON DANGER DANGER but then it was like, "Whoops, that shadow's just Kernik," but then there was still danger and "listen to Margo," etc, which made me feel like maybe the danger was still imminent? But THEN we got this.

“What’s that?” Chip called, as everyone around him let out a collective sigh of relief, presumably that they wouldn’t have to explain to their Archess how they’d let an alien order her entire scout fleet into the moist pointless traffic jams of all time.


Which, like, did they literally just save themselves from a traffic jam? Because, if so...that was kind of anticlimactic. It was sort of a chaotic chapter, really, so I got a little confused about what was actually going on. Like, a lot. After reading through again, I'm still not really sure.

Additionally, how mute works.

Margo could do nothing but watch as the long, lanky shadow edged closer and closer to Chip round the back of the console. Chip was shouting to various workers around the edges of the room, initialising any sort of spacecraft he could get his hands on. She could see big red symbols appearing on screens when Chip pointed at their controllers and shouted for something to be readied. What in the galaxy did a spacecraft look like when you had the innate ability to fly? Oh God, this was not going to end well.


Like at the beginning I was actually going to say, "Wait, how come we're not getting what Chip's actually yelling?" but then you said he'd muted Margo, so it made sense. But then she was able to hear his conversation with Kernik - not just Kernik's end, which might make sense if they were all on channels with each other or something, but Kernik and Chip's. Unless she's supposed to be reading his speech, in which case you just need to clarify that. Or maybe she actually can hear him in the beginning, but it feels like she can't since we just know he's shouting but don't hear any of his words - and I'm sure Margo could tell he's shouting just by seeing him on camera/through a window/whatever.

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Fri Apr 14, 2017 5:26 am
Dracula wrote a review...



Thanks for keeping me up to date. :) Here's my rambling thoughts as I read...

Chip was shouting to various workers around the edges of the room, initialising any sort of spacecraft he could get his hands on.
I don't really know how to explain it, but this sentence doesn't sound right. From the rest of the paragraph, I get the idea that he couldn't find a spacecraft, but this sentence makes me think he has. But it also doesn't give me any image of which spacecraft he's using- and that last sentence of the paragraph makes me certain that he's gotten his hands on something. So... um... rewording? I suppose that's what I'm trying to say.

“What is that?” Aliner exclaimed, pointing at the screen with her eyes screwed up. “That little black thing.”
I liked this bit because you didn't just say that the black shadow was replaced by 'a little black thing'. You integrated into some dialogue. This is a technique I've seen you use often. Instead of bulking up the chapter with heaps of narration, your scenes flo smoothly and I learn things as the characters learn them.

“That’s one of our officers,” Margo said, “His name’s Kernik.”
Hahaha I was so relieved when I read this!

]Chip stared at Kernik, who had raised himself to Chip’s eye level by perching on top of a monitor about four times the size of the average household television that Margo had seen in the movies.
This sentence is too long. Add some commas somewhere, or maybe you could get rid of 'that Margo had seen in the movies'? I don't think it's necessary as you've established in previous chapters that she's watched many earth movies. It could also be reworded to something like: average earth television.

And that’s charge head first into the first enemy you can think of without even knowing it’s actually out there.”
Chip folded his arms. “And what makes you so sure he’s not?”

It's or he's?

“Turn round and look up at your chief physician. And, if you’re feeling generous, listen to her too.”
This bit was powerful. During the speech, it was as if Margo had drifted away. This reinforces the fact that she was present the whole time, just ignored by the others, and now they're acknowledging her existence.

He let out a breath with his eyes screwed up and let his head hang for a moment, then he jerked it up and shouted, “Abort! Abort everything! I’m sorry. Just, stop.”
This happened just a little too quickly. I think breaking it into two paragraphs would add that extra pause I need.

That's all from me. I think Kernick was the star of this chapter, though Margo and Chip did have a couple tender moments. Apart from those few things I pointed out, it was a pleasant read. Let me know next time! :D




ExOmelas says...


1. I wrote this a while ago so I can't remember the paragraph off the top of my head so I'll have a look and see what I can do.

2. Awesome, glad that's working :)

3. hehe

4. I'll figure it out. I'm just glad this is becoming a less frequent problem than it used to be.

5. haha oops

6. Cool, glad that landed.

7. I'll slow that down a bit.


Thanks for the review :D



ExOmelas says...


Made some changes for 1, 4 and 7 - let me know what you think :)



Dracula says...


Yessss! I love all your changes, especially the last one. :D



ExOmelas says...


Awesome :D




Obsessing over what you regret won't get you anywhere.
— Steggy