z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Time Traveler's Dilemma

by Hassanfs


This is a story,

that doesn’t end.

A road that goes straight,

and just doesn’t bend.

It’s about a girl,

freckled and brown-eyed.

Her dark hair flopping,

in tandem with her stride.

Her mind could travel,

not through teal seas or crimson skies.

But through buried memories,

and shelved goodbyes.

For she had a gift,

that I wish was one of mine.

She could swivel into unknown realms,

through the uncharted waters of time.














It all started when she was lost,

and had just turned fifteen.

Life had shown her an ugly glimpse ,

she didn’t understand what it could mean.

On that foggy night,

while she slept undisturbed.

She went to a place,

where all her questions were answered.

There she could remember,

all that she had ever wanted to.

All the yesterdays that she could relive,

were out before her like shades of a hue.

So she saw what she wanted,

what she wanted to be true.

One by one the years fell into place,

as if they had lined up in a que.








But the longer that she went there,

the longer that she dreamed.

The longer she would remain lost,

and that was what it now seemed.

Because even though she was still travelling,

it wasn’t the same as before.

There was something different,

and so much more.

The warmth of the glow,

had faded away.

Nothing would bring it back,

not even her attempts to pray.

She thought she would be happy,

but she knew she was not.

Just because she had changed yesterday,

did not mean she had forgot.











And for all that she had changed,

all that she had re-written.

She couldn’t stop the others from repeating,

because the others just wouldn’t listen.

It took her all this time,

to understand.

As she now found herself,

in an unfamiliar land.

It wasn’t that she had been too soon,

or that she had been too late.

It was what it is,

and that was the hilarious mockery of fate.

So when the gates began to close,

and shut close they did.

She let them lock away,

just like the farewells she bid.











Now she sits on the rickety armchair,

With her back to her years.

Just like the days that have drifted away,

so have her fears.

And the dark of her hair,

has faded away.

Her eyes are still brown though,

But her head is a pillow of fluffy grey.

So she lifts hers face a bit,

the skin now an aged mask.

Her mind is riddled,

so a question she now asks.

If you could travel in time,

Would you revisit the past?

Or stay in the present,

And try to make it last.


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5 Reviews


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Sun Feb 22, 2015 6:40 pm
birta wrote a review...



this is amazing. I love this. the way you wrote it was mesmerizing. and the concept is so true. It probably shows that I have no idea how to write a review so I'm just going to say this again to really emphasize how I really do feel about this.
this is amazing. I love this. the way you wrote it was mesmerizing. and the concept is so true.




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Mon Jan 26, 2015 5:32 pm
ExOmelas wrote a review...



This is a story,

that doesn’t end.

The full stop at the end of this line contradicts the idea of continuation. Maybe not have any full stops ever, to show the timeless nature of time travel.

A road that goes straight,

and just doesn’t bend.


"Just" makes you sound not sure of yourself and is a clutter-word.

that I wish was one of mine.

^ clumsy

She could swivel into unknown realms,

I don't think "swivel" makes sense here. It sounds more like she's on a hinge.

ugly glimpse

Give some suggestion of what happened. This would make it easier for the reader to sympathise with her.

and that was what it now seemed.

Also pretty clumsy. I would try, "which was what it now seemed."

~~~

So, you have an interesting premise. However, you don't employ that many poetic techniques to get your point across. This is about time travel, yet it follows the character through chronologically. Also, your rhyme scheme doesn't really add anything. The words you pair rarely have much to do with each other.

Overall, this poem has potential, but you have to think not just about your message but about how you put your message across. Play with structure, choose words relating specifically to time travel, contrast rhyme paired words with each other.

Let me know if you make any edits in this direction.
Biscuits




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Mon Jan 26, 2015 4:07 pm
LadySpark wrote a review...



Hi there!

Okay, so first off I notice your rhyming scheme. I'm going to be completely honest when I say that personally, I don't like rhyming poetry. But objectively, this doesn't work for your poem. It feels constricted, like there was so much more you wanted to say but couldn't because you had to follow your rhythm of rhyming. If it doesn't work, /change/ it. I think this poem would have been a lot more effective if you had decided to do away with rhyming and followed your own path in free verse. I know, free verse seems scary if you've never tried it before. There are literally no rules. But that's what so great about it. You can make it your own without having to adhere to the constraints put on you by traditional poetry. The rhyming seems very forced in places, including

It all started when she was lost,

and had just turned fifteen.

Life had shown her an ugly glimpse ,

she didn’t understand what it could mean.

This stanza starts off great. Then, you force the rhyme fifteen/mean and it just doesn't click like it should. Line four isn't necessary, it doesn't add to the poem-- in fact I would say it detracts from the poem. Followed by
On that foggy night,

while she slept undisturbed.

She went to a place,

where all her questions were answered.

Where there's not really a rhyme at /all/ (undisturbed/answered doesn't really rhyme), it's just falling apart before our eyes.

And this isn't the only place. It happens throughout your poem. So if I was to give you one piece of advice, it would be the throw away the rhyme and start from scratch. Say what you wanna say and see what happens. It'll work better, you'll tell a better story and it'll just be generally better written.

-Spark




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Mon Jan 26, 2015 2:29 pm
Hassanfs says...



I think I messed up the formatting again. Four lines form one stanza :P





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