Hi, there! Lefty here to review chapter 2!
This chapter was good. It showed how they felt two years after their parents deaths and more of their sister relationship. I thought how they felt about their parents two years later was pretty realistic, so nice job on that. Having them go to boarding school put a whole new twist on the story that I didn't expect which was good! Okay, now onto some nitpicks:
just feel the warmth of their hugs just one more time
Although I really like how you said this for the most part, I felt that having two "just"s in there made it sound a little repetitive.
This was the beginning of our forever.
Again, I really like how you said this line, but it makes it feel like this should be more recent to their deaths than it is. I suppose it makes more sense as the chapter goes on, but if this is the beginning of their new life, what have they done for the last two years?
"Don't say your sorry when you don't mean it, you don't do something like that, then regret it, you made your choice, and I've made my choice to move on with my life, so do me a favor, and never talk to me again."
It makes sense the Easton would be upset that Gen hadn't stayed in contact with him, but if he's so upset that he never wants to talk to her again, why did he swing her around and kiss her like he was happy to see her? I also thought that him saying "never talk to me again" was a little strong. Besides just not staying in touch, she didn't actually hurt him... Unless he likes her a lot more than he lets on and it was really painful for him to get over. In which case, it would me sense for him to react that way and it tips us off that something is a little off for his reaction.
With the conversation between Gen and Easton, you might want to mention who is talking on one of the lines. I was pretty sure I knew who was talking (and have it figured out now) but I was a little confused at first.
Again, I found some tense issues throughout this chapter but they are very random. Rather than paragraphs switching, it was more like sentences. So, just watch for that next time you read through it. For instance: "I chuckled silently. I slapped her lightly, and she jumped up hitting her head on the car roof, hard." That whole sentence is past-tense, then it goes back to present. If it was present, it would look like this: "I chuckle silently. I slap her lightly, and she jumps up hitting her head on the car roof, hard." For the most part, anything ending in "ed" like that is past-tense. Rock/Rocked, Overwhelm/Overwhelmed. But overall, the repetition was better in this chapter. I used to have a horrible time with tenses, but over time I learned more about it. So no worries!
Ok, that's it for the nitpicks. I liked how you started out the chapter with them at their parents graves. It was almost like they were saying goodbye a final time before they left for boarding school which was sweet. I also really liked Gen's speach as they walked into the school. Very motivational and nicely written. I really like how you describe everything. Some sentences were written rather beautifully. I got a pretty clear picture in my head of everything that was going on. I also liked Gen's sense of humor. So keep up the good work. This chapter was enjoyable to read just like the first one was. I'll keep an eye out for chapter 3! Have a nice day and keep writing!
-Lefty
Points: 3819
Reviews: 93
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