Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,804 Reviews
Hey Birthday Hangman!
It's nice to see you posting work - you've been part of the site for ages by your join date! I've read Deanie's review and I have to say that I disagree. I don't think that this is a formatting error, and I don't think that it's your intention to have a story in the traditional sense of the narrative. This appears, to me, to be a stream of consciousness/ experimental piece and it's working for me. I mean, maybe it's not, maybe it's gibberish in the widest sense, but I feel like you were working toward a piece much like Joyce has, something crumpled in intent and double meaning and dialect and thought.
I have to say though, that you do not come close to Joyce in that regard. While Joyce forces us to struggle with the meaning of language as expressive means, I think this piece here is too disjointed to give us that sense. It's almost a performance piece begging to be read aloud, where I think much of it's sense would come from. Your first paragraph is solid, I think, but you lose it as you go along. You lose the sense of confidence that first paragraph holds and I think it destabilises the phrases in your next paragraphs to a point where they truly make no sense (rather than just a little). That's a harsh detriment when this piece could be a very interesting commentary on language and communication, slang and contemporary social convention. Instead it looks and feels more like nonsense code than anything else.
Continue to ignore structural and grammatical convention but consider aligning your work with slightly more focus and reliability for your reader. It just misses the mark here.
Thanks for posting! This was very interesting.
- Penguin.
Hi Birthday Hangman,
#NaRevWriMo
I did mention why I was reviewing this before, and hopefully we can get it out of the green room. I am not entirely sure still, if this is spam or simply formatting gone completely wrong but here comes your review anyway! I am going to limit this to three things I am going to mention the three main things I can gather from reading this in the format that it currently is in.
1) Even though the formatting seems to be mostly wrong, there does need to be some more punctuation and speech in this. I see a lot of wording, which I am assuming is story and narrative it itself. But I am also seeing a lot of things which are supposed to be speech and yet done without any speech marks. When writing speech there are a few things you need to focus on. First off, everything a speaker says needs to be put in speech marks, which are these things. "" The ending of the speech (not the sentence, the speech) should be in them as well. Any ending punctuation should go right before the closing speech marks, and if there is none then a comma on the inside is sufficient. The last thing you do on the outside is wrap up with a dialogue tag which would be - if chosen simply - she said.
"This is an example," Deanie said.
Every time a new person is speaking, you need a new paragraph for their speech as well.
2) From what I can gather the story itself seems pretty hard to follow. I feel like there is an awful lot going on in this short story all at once, and there doesn't seem to be some equal pacing that makes it easy for the reader to follow. When organising your ideas for a short story, try to line them up as a timeline first of all. Put down the main ideas and steadily focus on them before you later add in some transitions. Transitions are what bring the reader from one event to the next. What I think this short story is missing are those key transitions, and they need their own time for explanation.
3) As I mentioned, key events seem to be ruling here. But when it comes to a short story, even if you are trying to make it short (hence the type of writing happening here) don't be afraid to add in those small details. We still need to know the character we are reading about just enough, so even though there might be no development we can still relate to them emotionally and feel for them as everything is happening around it. Or you could spend a sentence or two describing setting, so that when the reader is reading this they can picture where it is being set. Those fine details can do a lot to change a good short story or an okay one into something wonderful
Hope this helped and I hope you get the formatting back to normal soon,
Deanie x