Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Okay...a very short story but quite dense in some of the heavy stuff its got casually mentioned down there...well it was interesting to say the least, I'll break things down in more detail down below.

Anyway let's get right to it,

There were two young boys in the village that came from two different families but best friend’s known for their troubles.

Dalla and Yussif were class mates and best friends at Primary School class 3, they were known for making noise in class and also coming to school late.

Yussif got punished for touching the butt of their class teacher who looks beautiful and sexy as noted by her fellow teachers (All eyes on Yussif and the madam 👀).

Yussif started being a changed boy after he was punished to dig a hole. Dalla who also got lashed for being to school late, targeted a stone into the eye of the teacher that lashed him as a revenge.

They were feared in school for their troubles , and finally got kicked out of school.

Dalla and Yussif’s exciting life story begins after being dropped out of school.

'Ello, haven't reviewed in a while, but here we go!

First of all, I'd suggest not having a student sexually harass their teacher. There are real world issues happening, and if you can't portray that in a way you feel confident it will not offend someone, don't do it at all. No "all eyes on" business too, because last time I checked, this is somewhat illegal in places, and very wrong in all areas.

Teachers will not say that about their fellow professionals, especially to students. This is breach of everything teachers learn, and it's also just wrong. Of course, this is all writing and not real, but this will make both me and a lot of people uncomfortable; when readers are disturbed by your writing, they will not pick it up and read any more of it.

In most places, both "punished to dig a hole" and "got lashed for being to school late" will not happen. The first one is just useless, as it teaches the kid no discipline and allows them to continue to be creepy towards people. The last is just abuse, and any teacher that thinks that will help shouldn't be allowed to continue working.

A good option is just talking to their parents about what issues that need fixed, or if their parents aren't great, detention on a weekend. If this is not the first time this has happened, you can even try to suspend them from school for about a week. This rarely happens, but it technically can work if you'd like a plot to develop around that.

Oh and you wont get kicked out of school for this unless it has happened many many times, or if things have turned violent or dangerous to anyone in the building

I hope I can read this whenever it comes out!

- Lum

Wow, these boys are horrible! I'm looking forward to reading about them when you publish your story.

Could you perhaps maybe show not tell? With this line:

'Yussif got punished for touching the butt of their class teacher who looks beautiful and sexy as noted by her fellow teachers (All eyes on Yussif and the madam 👀).'

could you maybe describe her looks more and add more imagery rather than just stating the obvious? This will allow the audience a better feel of the story and environment.

I'm looking forward to the published version of this, and as a brief summary for the coming story, I felt that it was done in a very simple however effective style.