Hey there!
Those Eyes
Firstly, this line didn't fit into the poem really:
Oozing blood relentlessly
I think it lacked affect, relevance and imagery, so you may want to rethink the use of it. My other thoughts of this particular poem was that it was a little, 'oh, this is like those other love poems...' You didn't really include anything original or a captivating rhythm or anything. However, what I did like was the no use of punctuation. This is a really odd thing for me to say because I usually hate that but somehow you've made it work really well here so well done! You've got a knack for good poetry structuring.
Apocalypse
Right, this definately needs punctuation. It looks like a mumble jumple of rhetorical question vomit. I don't mean to sound harsh because some of the questions are thought provoking but I just thought this poem was really quite uncomfortable to read. The images were bland and weren't particularly enlightened or had any flow from the previous lines and it just seemed a little messy.
Haiku
Strangely, I loved this. I think you've written it really well and its nicely portrayed. The punctuating is also pretty affective along with your choice of language. I liked this one!!
So, so
I think really the first two poems need a bit of revising and I'm sorry if I sounded harsh, but I needed to tell it like it was. Of course this may just be my opinion, who knows.
Keep up the writing all the same!
Hope this helps,
Ben
Points: 42428
Reviews: 411
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