StoweAway (Updated 2/12/08)

Thanks Vernon.

He and I are having a nice long chat, and I've come to agree that I will be locking this down and posting the chapters individually.

So, I'll post chapter one again some time tomorrow. I'm PMd Bubblewrapped about it, if you're curious...

Mods, if this is ok, (reposting and all) please tell me. If it's not, then I won't do it.

Thanks for your support!

And for all of my fellow critiquers, I don't expect you guys to recritique anything! I don't want this delelted. Just locked down.

Thanks again!

BBB

BBB I can't take all this info at once please post this in solid chapters! I want to help ya, but this is all just too much. You can't expect people to keep returning to it. It tires them out doing all these critque at once. I've give one chapter one you use names too much use others words like he, she etc. Repost this all in chapters and I'll look at it more better. Just too much... way too much

...
VSN

Heya BBB! Don't you just hate writer's block? I've had one for about a week, I think I got rid of it now lol

Right, on to the crit!

Brilliant flames crept up into log homes.

Smoke slithering into the dark, night sky and Aly was dumbstruck.

The poor leopard was utterly terrified because Aly was receiving thoughts of horror and shock.

neighbor

Brilliant flames crept up into log homes. Trees were splintered. Villagers were racing to put out the fire. Smoke slithering into the dark, night sky and Aly was dumbstruck.

The poor leopard was utterly terrified because Aly was receiving thoughts of horror and shock.

Just thinking about a little baby cousin sounded wonderful…

If only Aly knew what was going to be in store for her, she would have changed her way of thinking.

Sorry it's taken me so long. I've been in a constant writer's block that I haven't been able to rid of until today. I hope you like this next (and terribly short) end to chapter 4!

*

“Zek? Zek, c’mon. Hurry,” Aly muttered, completely out of breath. Tears were swelling up in her eyes and she rubbed them away. It was then that she saw the horrible sight that used to be East Bristol.

Brilliant flames crept up into log homes. Trees were splintered. Villagers were racing to put out the fire. Smoke slithering into the dark, night sky and Aly was dumbstruck.

What had happened?

Zek moaned in her throat and rubbed her face against Aly’s leg. The poor leopard was utterly terrified because Aly was receiving thoughts of horror and shock.

Aly didn’t know what to expect. Was she seeing things? This wasn’t East Bristol. Her city was beautiful. The fires were kept in fireplaces, and smoke was supposed to billow from chimneys.

Where was East Bristol?

Zek sent Aly a sudden picture of Auntie Clair talking with Mrs. Smith, a neighbor. Aly’s eyes flickered over to the Smiths’ home and saw her aunt.

“Auntie Clair! Auntie Clair!” she cried and hurled herself towards the two ladies. Zek bounded behind her. Aly’s heart thumped against her chest, making it incredibly hard to breathe.

“Aly! Get back in the house, now!” Auntie Clair shrieked, tears streaming down her cheeks. Her blue eyes were not as pretty as they’d used to be. They were now filled with horror and dread, and Aly sensed it.
“What… what happened?” she asked.

“Go! Go back to the house. It’s too dangerous out here. Get!” Auntie Clair cried, pointing a long finger towards their home. Aly was about to protest when her auntie shouted the phrase again.

Zek purred and tugged on Aly’s leggings with her teeth. The girl looked down and said, “Zek! No!”

“Go!” Auntie Clair moaned and then placed a hand on her forehead. Mrs. Smith wiped her eye and embraced Auntie Clair. The poor woman was trying to say something to comfort her, but words were refusing to come.

Aly eyed them until Zek growled. She turned to the cat and said, “What do you think happened?” Zek refused to answer, turned and roved back to the house.

Aly took one final look at Auntie Clair and followed, a million questions racing through her head.

*

It has been four whole weeks since Uncle Steven has been taken. Zek and I think and pray about him constantly, but Auntie Clair is always weeping. Always weeping. There is no end to it. It must be terribly hard to find out that Lord Isaac had taken your husband captive.

Uncle Steven wasn’t the only one, though. Mr. Smith and Mr. Jenson had been taken, along with many of East Bristol’s youth. I was lucky enough to have hidden with Auntie Clair, or they would have taken me.

I got this journal from one of the Rats, a gang of boys. Well, not really. I took it from him, but only because he was about to toss it in the canal. I couldn’t let him to that to an empty notepad! And it was absurd to throw away paper in a time like this!

I have to be off now. Auntie Clair needs my help with something. I’ll write more about Uncle Steven later, if I get the chance.

-Aly

Aly sighed and shut the notepad. It had been her first entry, and her last if she were to know what events would soon follow.

“Yes, Auntie Clair. I’m coming,” Aly replied kindly. She had taken an extra step to be kinder to the dear lady. It was incredibly hard to find out that her husband had been taken, but there was more news than that.

Auntie Clair, just a few days ago, had announced that she was pregnant. Aly was completely shocked to the core. Auntie Clair? Pregnant? But she was indeed.

She was in her fourth month the day that Aly wrote her first and last entry in the journal. Auntie Clair was showing clear signs of roundness near the stomach, and every time she looked at it, it made Aly squeal with delight. Just thinking about a little baby cousin sounded wonderful…

But Aly would have to step up. Auntie Clair was nearing her old age. She (for Aly was positive that the baby would be a girl) would need someone young and playful. The little baby would absolutely adore her.

They would be best friends. They would grow up and do everything together.

If only Aly knew what was going to be in store for her, she would have changed her way of thinking.

*

Thanks for reading it, guys!

Wow that's really good 3B! Time to crit chapter 4:

'It seemed like they had all frozen until Auntie Clair glanced at Uncle Steven'

I know what you mean it jsuts sounds a bit strange. Put a nice active verb in their

'The man didn’t seem to believe Aly by the look on his face.'

I don't like this, how about 'By the look on his face, the man clearly didn't believe a word Aly had said.'.

'Aly screamed pushed Zek away, who was as frightened as Uncle Steven’s behavior as Aly, if not worse.'

It doesn't make sense, typo? Oh, put an 'and' after 'screamed'. That's better

'and [s]with ever[/s] whenever the threesome heard them'

'warned them, Zek.” Zek purred'

repetiton doesn't fit, use a pronoun

I really liked this chapter, and what a cliffhanger!

I live near north Bristol lol. Keep writing this, tis turning out really great!

Keep writing!

~D'Aedomir~

Ok, let us get started.
I'm not going t write a really long reply like the others, but I will comment.
The following things were really well planned:
-story line; nice ideas
-character names; Isaac is my brothers name, wich is awsome!
-no mistakes; an essential part of a story that means a lot to you
-spacing; well spaced and neatly done
-length; it was a little long for my liking, but that's just me

Like I heard, you are really good and you have just proved it to me, but i knew you had good quality from the start.
Nothing that I didn't like here, so goobye to you and maybe you could consider looking at some of my posts?
shanan-cat

bigbadbear wrote:English government didn't have Prime Ministers until the 1950s

and


Anyway, here is chapter two! I hope that you like it! It's not nearly as boring as chapter one.

Hey, 3B! Sorry I haven't been able to post it, but the site was down when I was able to put it up, and then I got loaded with homework today. However, I finished, and I'll post it straight away.

Auntie Clair was sitting by the fireplace, stirring tea, [no comma] and trying to avoid the oncoming contention.

“Um…” Aly said, forgetting what it was they were supposed to tell him.

“Uncle Steven! Please, listen to me! There is this big army attacking North Bristol! We need to help them!” Aly shouted. Uncle Steven didn’t move, but Auntie Clair looked up from her tea.

It seemed like they had all frozen until Auntie Clair glanced at Uncle Steven, whose face hadn’t moved from its original position.

“What are you talking about?” he questioned, his gaze becoming fiercer.

“It was who?” Uncle Steven asked sternly. His fists were turning white because he was squeezing so firmly.

Her hands were still on her hips and her eyebrows were buried into her head.

He glared into Aly’s eyes and suddenly his arm flashed up and slapped her across the face.

Auntie Clair gasped as Aly screamed and fell off the table. His fingernails dug into her precious skin and scraped a layer or so off. Zek growled and ran over to her injured friend, licking her nasty cut. Aly screamed and pushed Zek away, who was as frightened [s]as[/s] of Uncle Steven’s behavior as Aly, if not worse.

There was a nasty red welt on the side of her face and tears [s]streaming[/s] streamed out of her eyes.

instead, Auntie Clair brought her to her room and laid Aly on her bed.

Aly squirmed. [s]and said,[/s] “N-no… please… it hurts…” Zek whimpered again and placed her head beside Aly’s.

This won’t happen again, you understand?” Auntie Clair promised.

But Aly didn’t care about the nasty [s]bruise[/s] wound that she [s]would be receiving[/s] received.

She looked around, frightened, and growled.

Zek [s]sighed and[/s] jumped up onto Aly’s clothes dresser because there was a small vent that she could see out of.

Aly motioned for Zek to follow [s]her[/s] and the three of them huddled together in a corner of Aly’s room.

She gripped Zek and the snow leopard laid herself upon Aly’s legs.

Outside of the vent was clearly visible from where Aly and Zek sat, although [s]all[/s] they could only see [s]were[/s] the stars shine brightly in the night sky.

The night was cold and the stars shone bright.

There were more gunshots and yells and with ever the threesome heard them, they all flinched.

Aly whispered to Zek, trembling, “I warned them. They just didn’t believe me. I warned them, Zek.” Zek purred and licked Aly’s face.

“Ouch! Zek, that’s my bruise!” Aly whimpered and Zek sent sorrowful thoughts to her.

The night drew on. It got colder.

“Where is he? I mean, we can’t hear anything outside. The [s]battle[/s] fight is probably over.”

Zek was still snoring softly on the floor [s]next to the wall that they had been sitting at[/s].

Aly listened quietly to what Auntie Clair was doing.

Auntie Clair opened the front door and everything was silent for a moment.

Aly [s]started breathing[/s] breathed heavily and wiped a tear from her eye. What other horrors would await her that night?

...and if Aly were to find her, she would have to venture out into the battlefield.

o_O What do you mean you've been updating this with new parts and no one told me??!?!

Ten years after the rise of Lord Isaac, Aly Stowe awoke to the tender and familiar thoughts of Zekyll. Aly’s small mouth slowly stretched and became a smile as Zek pushed her way through the door and put a paw upon her bed. The snow leopard sent pleasant thoughts toward Aly, and finally the nine-year-old girl opened her right eye, her smile still expanding.
Hmmmm....this makes me think of 'His Dark Materials'? *read the first book just recently* (Oh, and FYI, I'm commenting as I read, so my comments may lack the comprehension of someone who read it through then went back and commented. =P)

“Sounds great,[comma]" Aly said.

Aly nodded and looked mischievously at Zek, who smiled back.[one, can cats smile? Or should I consider this personification?] It was all too fresh in Aly’s mind of what had happened the night before last.

It hadn’t been her fault, really. It was that horrible kid, Maxwell, who had[?] started it. It was [again, was? Or 'had been'? Your choice of verb tense makes me think it's happening in the now of the story.] raining and Aly and Zek were outside, playing in the water.

“What do you want?” Aly sneered at the approaching boy. Maxwell glared. His clothes were dirty,[comma? Or do you mean dirty brown as a color?] brown, and wet.

“Why does it matter to you, you ugly little girl![methinks this should be a question mark]” Maxwell retorted. Zek growled and crouched into a defensive position, ready to pounce when needed.

“Because, this is our turf! This is where we play, you dumb boy!” Aly said, desperately thinking ['trying to think', no?] of an insult, but nothing was coming up. Zek was, of course, sensing[not sending] her thoughts of rage and hoping to attack the boy.

“No, Zek. Not yet,” she whispered and looked up to Maxwell. He had bright red hair;[shouldn't this be a comma?] freckles that littered his nose and teeth that were crooked.

“Yeah!” Maxwell shouted, spraying spit all down Aly’s shirt but[maybe use 'though'] the rain quickly washed it away. The boy raised his fists, glaring at Aly.

Whee! New chapter!

And a cliffhanger! How dare you! Now I really can't wait for more! ^_^

This one was great, you're really stating to develop your characters, and I really felt sympathy for poor Aly.

A few small things:

“Um…” Aly said, forgetting what it was they were supposed to tell him.

“Put Zekyll outside, Clair. She’s filty.”

Hey, thanks guys. A million. It's really helped me when you guys have critted this, so I hope that this next part will spark your interest if you are losing it!

Captives

4
“I thought I told you and your bloody cat to stay inside!” Uncle Steven roared as Aly and Zek stumbled into the house. Uncle Steven’s face was sour, as if he were eating a lemon. His eyes glared down at her and his fists lay on the wooden table. Auntie Clair was sitting by the fireplace stirring tea, trying to avoid the oncoming contention.

“Um…” Aly said, forgetting what it was they were supposed to tell him. She glanced down at Zek and her beautiful eyes stared back. The cat’s jaw was trembling slightly and Aly could sense fear. Zek prodded Aly’s leg and reminded her of the army.

“Uncle Steven! Please, listen to me! There is this big army attacking North Bristol! We need to help them!” Aly shouted. Uncle Steven didn’t move, but Auntie Clair looked up from her tea.

It seemed like they had all frozen until Auntie Clair glanced at Uncle Steven, whose face hadn’t moved from its original position.

“What are you talking about?” he questioned, his gaze becoming fiercer.

Aly replied, “Someone told me that Lord Isaac is attacking North Bristol. Uncle Steven, please we have to do something!”

“Who told you that, dear?” Auntie Clair asked, placing her hands on her hips. Her soft green eyes were set intently on her niece.

“It was… um…” Aly glanced down to Zek. Should she tell them about the Raven? Would they believe her?

“It was who?” Uncle Steven asked sternly. His fists were turning white because he was squeezing so firmly.

“Um…” Aly didn’t know what to say. “It was… it was a man. Yes, it was a man who saw them attacking. He turned around and ran back here to tell us. He saw me first and so he told me.” Aly looked desperately at the two adults, her hands pleading with them.

Auntie Clair looked at Uncle Steven. The man didn’t seem to believe Aly by the look on his face.

“Who was this man?” he asked. He slid his hands underneath the table and leaned back in the wooden chair, rocking it back and forth on the back legs.

“I don’t know! All he said was that he saw Lord Isaac’s soldiers approaching East Bristol,” Aly replied. She placed one hand on Zek’s head and squeezed her fur. The leopard squirmed, feeling Uncle Steven’s unwillingness to accept the truth. Zek tried desperately to send positive thoughts to the man, but he refused them.

“Dear? What are we going to do?” Auntie Clair asked. Her hands were still on her hips and her eyebrows were buried into her head.

“Nothing. We’re going to do nothing at all. This girl is a liar,” Uncle Steven replied calmly, eyeing Aly. All of the blood rushed from her face.

“No! Please! You have to do something! They are going to kill us if we don’t!” Aly screamed as she ran over to her uncle. She leaned across the table and looked into his eyes. Zek growled and ran under the table and placed one paw on Uncle Steven’s lap. He pushed it away, looking disgusted.

“Put Zekyll outside, Clair. She’s filthy.”

“Please believe me! The Ra- I mean, the man said that the army was attacking! We have to help them!”

Uncle Steven didn’t reply. He glared into Aly’s eyes and suddenly his arm flashed up and slapped her across the face.

Auntie Clair gasped as Aly screamed and fell off the table. His fingernails dug into her precious skin and scraped a layer or so off. Zek growled and ran over to her injured friend, licking her nasty cut. Aly screamed pushed Zek away, who was as frightened as Uncle Steven’s behavior as Aly, if not worse.

“Steven! How dare you!” Auntie Clair gasped as she helped Aly stand up. There was a nasty red welt on the side of her face and tears streaming out of her eyes. She didn’t dare look at her attacker; instead Auntie Clair brought her to her room and laid Aly on her bed. Zek whimpered beside her. Auntie Clair grabbed a towel and wetted it with some nearby water and placed it on the cut. It stung horribly and Aly whimpered. Zek sent warm feelings to her, but again she was pushed away.

Aly tried to say something, but it all came out in jumbled stutters. Her cheek seemed to be swelling and it hurt when Auntie Clair placed her hand on it.

Aly squirmed and said, “N-no… please… it hurts…” Zek whimpered again and placed her head beside Aly’s.

“I’m so sorry, dearest. I don’t know what is the matter with your uncle today. This won’t happen again, you understand?” Auntie Clair promised.

But Aly didn’t care about the nasty bruise that she would be receiving. What was haunting Aly was that no one was going to help North Bristol. As Auntie Clair slid out of the room, blowing out the candle, Aly was reminded from Zek that all of those people were going to die… and it was all their fault.

*

Zek jumped in her sleep as she heard yelling and shouts outside of their house. She looked around, frightened, and growled. Aly didn’t seem to hear anything, so she nudged her with her cold, wet nose.

Aly squirmed in her bed and said groggily, “Zek, not now…”

Zek sighed and jumped up onto Aly’s clothes dresser because there was a small vent that she could see out of. When she was positioned just right, Zek stared into the dark night.

There were men. Lots of them. Most of them held torches in their hands. Others had big rifles. What was going on?

Suddenly, Zek heard a loud bang and jumped. She slipped off of the dresser and fell down onto the ground. She whimpered and yelped. Aly jumped and her head jerked over towards the sound.

“Zek! Oh, Zek! What’s wrong?” Another loud shot filled her ears and Aly screamed. Zek growled and sent Aly pictures of men with torches.

“It’s Lord Isaacs’ troops! They’ve come!” Aly shouted and her bedroom door opened. Auntie Clair rushed in and embraced Aly. Zek stared at them.

“Your uncle is gone outside. He went to see what was going on. Oh, Aly!” Auntie Clair cried and hugged her tighter.

“I told you! I told you and you didn’t believe me!” Aly shouted, pushing herself away from her aunt.

“Aly, we’ll have none of that! All we need to do right now is to hide. That’s what Steven said, and that’s what we’ll do. Come on, dear.”

Aly motioned for Zek to follow her and the three of them huddled together in a corner of Aly’s room. Aly’s heart pounded in her ribcage as she heard gunshots close by. She gripped Zek and the snow leopard laid herself upon Aly’s legs. Aly petted her and Auntie Clair tugged on her dress, her bottom lip trembling.

Outside of the vent was clearly visible from where Aly and Zek sat, although all they could see were the stars. The night was cold and the stars shone bright.

There were more gunshots and yells and with ever the threesome heard them, they all flinched.

Aly whispered to Zek, trembling, “I warned them. They just didn’t believe me. I warned them, Zek.” Zek purred and licked Aly’s face.

“Ouch! Zek, that’s my bruise!” Aly whimpered and Zek sent sorrowful thoughts to her.

The night drew on. It got colder. The gunshots became more distant until they were barely audible at all. It wasn’t until much later when Aly finally spoke.

“Auntie Clair, can we get up now? Is it safe?”

“No, dear. We are going to wait until Steven gets home.”

So they stayed, huddled in the one corner of Aly’s room.

*

Aly was in a very uncomfortable position, so she lay her head down on the hard, wooden floor. Zek purred loudly and nudged herself into Aly’s arms. The girl smiled and hugged her big cat.

“What’s going on out there? Do you know?” Aly asked a while later. Zek had fallen asleep.

“No, dear,” Auntie Clair whispered. “Your uncle didn’t tell me anything other than he had to go.”

“Where is he? I mean, we can’t hear anything outside. The battle is probably over.”

“I don’t know. He told me that we should hide, and we are. We aren’t going to do anything else.”

Aly sighed. “Can I at least go to my bed? Please? I’m really tired and my face is hurting.”

Auntie Clair was silent for a moment and then replied, “Yes, dear. Go to sleep. I’ll go and check outside.” Aly smiled and slowly climbed to her feet. She rushed to her bed and hugged her warm blankets. Zek was snoring softly on the floor next to the wall that they had been sitting at.

Aly listened quietly to what Auntie Clair was doing.

Auntie Clair opened the front door and everything was silent for a moment. Aly lifted her head off her pillow so she could hear more clearly.

“Oh Lord…” she heard Auntie Clair mutter. “No! No, no, no, no!”

Aly’s heart fluttered and she jumped out of bed and rushed out of her room. What was Auntie Clair seeing? What was going on? Was everyone dead?

“No!” she heard her aunt yell again. When Aly finally reached the doorway, Zek was right at her feet.

Aly slowly looked out, absorbing all that she possibly could at one time. Her lip trembled and suddenly she crouched down. She covered her mouth with her hand and looked away, a droplet of a tear sliding down her swollen face.

Zek growled at the dead body that lay just mere feet away from the doorway. The face was unrecognizable; it was torn up and punctured with many bullets.

Aly started breathing heavily and wiped a tear from her eye. What other horrors would await her that night?

“Aunt- Auntie Clair!” Aly shouted, stumbling over her words. Her aunt was not by the house anymore, and if Aly were to find her she would have to venture out into the battlefield.

“Zek? Zek, c’mon. Hurry,” Aly muttered, completely out of breath. Tears were swelling up in her eyes and she rubbed them away. It was then that she saw the horrible sight that used to be East Bristol.


*

Thanks for anyone who took the time to read this!

Wow BBB!

When I read this, I was amazed at how well you managed to capture my attention! Usually, online I just can't sit reading from my computer screen, but this, really got my attention. Its all very British, with stereotypes leading most of the story... Fantastic!

Your sentences are very strong and well structured. I really liked you character development, the way you managed to capture Isaac's intentions, and make him appear so innocent. I actually find myself quite liking this guy. He is the type of hero who doesn;t mind hurting one person, to help many more, my ytpe of hero!

I just noticed something:

Elias Isaac was a man of incredible wealth and power. He was elected as the Supreme Judge of London in the primitive seventeenth century, and climbed up the political ladder until he was at his zenith.

Yes, they had newspapers in the 1800s. However, I rather like the way it is written. Since this is a narration by the main character it is perfectly acceptable as long as the main character is introduced properly as if he was going over the events in his head or say, sharing stories (possibly exaggerated) with some friends. Its an open ended question, but just do make sure to address the actions and the reasons why the details were observed if it was the latter. While I like the narration it could be a tricky problem if you don't handle it properly.

Now as to the corrections... Surprisingly, there is very little left for me to note, but since I'm a stickler for adjectives and adverbs I'll point out this sentence.

"With terrifying speed, he crashed the knife down on top of the desk, puncturing important papers and bills."

Terrifying just seems out of place. Simply, 'He crashed...' loses only a little of its dramatic effect, but emphasis is really on how the old man does himself in by a bad misstep. Only a minor note, but a point nonetheless.

Overall: very well done.

Everything is now edited, according to all of the mistakes that you guys found. So, now I'll go back and answer some questions:

GryphonFledging & cat4prowl:

One question, what is the viewpoint of this story?

By the way, why was the Judge and the Minister duking it out?

The newspaper article, while accomplishing the same thing, does not ruin the flow of a story and it makes the story seem more real. After all, if you read it, it must be true.

Does Aly have a psychic link to her cat or is she just plain psychic and able to read everyone's thoughts? Because if she is able to read everyone's thoughts, I didn't get that impression.

Is Aly going to be affected by the entire political fiasco?

Overall, very good! I lurves Zek! *squeals* She's so cute! ^^

Another great chapter, yay! I'm really starting to like Aly's character, and the story has really drawn me in. ^_^

The two girls found a tree stump and Aly sat on it.

“Sir, there is a big amount of soldiers coming. And they are breaking into North Bristol. Please sir, we have to do something!”

Hey, 3B! ^^ Happy to help! Wanted to double check (since I'm not English, had to use Wikipedia ) so I could help you out as to how to change it if needed.

The building would periodically send dark smoke raising into the sky, hence the smoke that day.

But, however, this day Aly and Zek found themselves alone. The swishing and calming sound of the canal rushing downward made everything seem peaceful.

A thick forest on the east side, giving Aly and Zek a perfect hiding spot to get away from the world, surrounded the canal [can we replace this with a word besides canal? Ignore repetition ^^]. The two girls found a tree stump and Aly sat on it.

Zek curled up around Aly’s feet and sent her calming emotions. [a]and[/a] Aly sighed.

Her beautiful white snow fur was spotted with black, making her irresistible to hug.

Aly sighed and got off of the stump and knelt down to Zek.

Tears streamed off of Aly’s face and it wetted Zek’s beautiful fur.

Zek sent warm and loving feelings to her friend and Aly accepted them gratefully.

She looked [s]up[/s] down [s]and[/s] at Zek.

Zek shook her head, her fur bouncing. Aly [s]felt curiosity and she[/s] looked around her surroundings, wondering what could [worry] Zek.

Suddenly, a [s]long[/s] raven flew down from a tall tree, spreading its wings and chirping loudly.

Aly regained her [s]position[/s] composure and said, “What does that mean?”

The girl could feel terror, war, and murders.

They were in grasslands. They all wore red on their arm.

“What’s going on? Where did you see these soldiers?”

There were guns. There were weapons of war.

Unless… unless he was coming here to [s]take[/s] find slaves.

The soldiers are coming!

The bird took off into the skies.

...bending down to embrace [s]herself again with[/s] Zek.

“Sir! Sir! Someone, please open the doors!”

“Keep sending me pictures!”

His face was rough and he had [s]some kind of[/s] a white powdery substance covering his face, much like flour [?].

Please, sir, we have to do something!”

“Go home, girl. No one wants to listen to a bloody little girl.” The gruff man slammed the door on [s]her face[/s] ['them' or 'shut'], leaving Aly and Zek absolutely stunned.

“But, Zek, [s]they are[/s] they're coming!

Zek, why are you always thinking [s]negative[/s] negatively [?]?

Zek growled [s]once more[/s] and smelled rain once more. When Aly received the notion, she nodded.

All the way home, they were arguing [s]that[/s] whether/if the Raven either had told them a lie about the army, or whether/if it was telling the truth.

[s]Just,[/s] let’s just tell Uncle Steven and Auntie Clair about this first, ok?”

And just like that, their story had begun.

Thanks for all of the crits and stuff. Jabber, you have truely saved this story. thanks you a bazillion for finding that there were Prime Ministers in the 1800s. You have no idea how much you have saved this story.

So, for all of those who helped with grammar and stuff, thanks a ton. You've been really helpful. I hope you like chapter three!

Of Terror and War

3

Dark, gray smoke billowed into the cloudy sky as Aly and Zek made their way towards the canal. They both walked in silence. Zek would occasionally glance up towards Aly, but the girl made no attempt to converse with her.

The canal was located just east of a factory. The building would periodically send dark smoke raising into the sky, hence the smoke that day. The canal was also home to a group of boys named the Rats. They were poor town boys who met every day to make war with the Dogs, another group of boys.

But, however, this day Aly and Zek found themselves alone. The swishing and calming sound of the canal rushing downward made everything seem peaceful. A thick forest on the east side, giving Aly and Zek a perfect hiding spot to get away from the world, surrounded the channel. Aly sat down on a nearby stump.

Zek curled up around Aly’s feet and sent her calming emotions and Aly sighed.

“I still can’t believe that Uncle Steven would do that to me. I mean, Zek, I have never seen him shout like that in my life,” Aly muttered, looking into the water rushing past her. Zek rubbed her face on Aly’s exposed leg, purring.

“He wasn’t nearly as mad as a few days ago when he had to pay. Why would he do this?”

Zek continued to rub herself on Aly’s leg. The girl smiled and looked down to the snow leopard. Her black-spotted, snow-white fur made it irresistible to hug. Aly sighed and knelt down by Zek.

“I love you, Zek. I love you so much.” She wrapper her arms around Zek and the snow leopard purred loudly. Aly embraced her best friend for as long as she could, wanting to never let go. Tears streamed down Aly's face, wetting Zek's beautiful fur.

Zek sent loving feelings to her friend and Aly accepted them gratefully. They lay there for a few more moments, Aly grasping onto her fur. The water continued to run down the canal, giving both of the girls the most peaceful feeling that they would feel in a long time.

Suddenly, Aly felt another kind of emotion entering her mind. She down at Zek. “What’s wrong?”

Zek shook her head, her fur bouncing. Aly felt curiosity and she looked around.

“Who’s there?” she asked quietly. It wasn’t normal to feel emotions from other animals. Why was she picking up emotions from something other than Zek?

It was then that a raven flew down from a tall tree, spreading its wings and chirping loudly.

Aly stood up and backed away, wide eyed. Zek also joined her, watching the bird’s every moves.

“What do you want?” Aly addressed the raven hotly. Zek growled in her throat and Aly placed her hand on her back.

The child was suddenly overwhelmed with feelings. She gasped and clapped her hands on her head. “Stop! Stop, stop, stop!” she cried.

The bird instantly obeyed and looked curiously at the girl. Aly regained her composure and said, “What does that mean?”

The bird chirped and sent more emotions into Aly’s mind slowly. The girl could feel terror, war, and murders. What was going on?

She looked at Zek and asked, “What’s going on?” Aly received no answer.

The bird chirped louder and sent images to Aly. It was then that she finally understood what was going on. In the images that she obtained, Aly could make out an army. They were in the grasslands, red cloths wrapped around their right arms.

“Soldiers!” she whispered and looked at the raven. “What’s going on? Where did you see these soldiers?”

The bird sent more mental pictures of the army. Only this time they were fighting. There were guns and weapons of war.

“Where are they? Are they coming here? Why would they want to come to East Bristol?”

Many questions swarmed in Aly’s head. Why would Lord Isaac want to come to East Bristol? There was nothing for him here. Nothing. Unless… unless he was coming here to find slaves. Aly shuddered that thought away.

“Raven, where are they?” Aly asked again. She was answered by more mental pictures of the soldiers marching on and on… until they reached the gates of North Bristol.

“Zek! We need to tell someone about this! The soldiers are coming! Come on! We need to tell someone!”

Zek looked at Aly then back at the Raven. She growled in her throat.

“Raven, I need you to fly up ahead and tell me where they are. Is that all right? We need to tell someone! Hurry!” Aly turned around and ran off towards the factory building.

Zek continued to look at the Raven. She growled again and then bounded off towards her friend. The bird took off into the skies.

*

“What? What is it, Zek?” Aly questioned. Zek kept flooding her with emotions of betrayal.

“What’s wrong? Who’s going to betray us?” she asked, bending down to embrace Zek.

She received a mental picture of the Raven. “Zek! The Raven isn’t going to abandon us. I promise. C’mon, we have to tell the factory workers about the soldiers.”

Once again, Aly stood up and ran towards the large building. Zek followed hesitantly behind her. When they reached the tall wooden doors, Aly pounded on them with all of her strength, yelling, “Sir! Sir! Someone, please open the doors!”

Zek caught up to her and growled as loud as she could. Aly looked startled.

“What is it?”

There was a chirp and Aly looked up. The Raven was flying overhead and started to send Aly pictures again. The soldiers were breaking down the North Bristol gate.

“Keep in contact with me!” Aly shouted to the Raven. The bird squawked and Aly pounded on the door again – but her hand never hit the hard wood.

She gasped and pulled back. There was a man standing in the doorway. His face was rough and he had a white powedery substance covering his face, much like flour.

“Sir! Oh, thank heavens, sir! I just found out that Lord Isaac’s soldiers are going into North Bristol! Sir, we need to do something!”

The man stared at her. He was rather large and his clothes were droopy, giving him the sense of someone that Aly wouldn’t like to be alone with.

“Who told you this?” the man growled.

“A… a… a raven did, sir.”

“How old are you, little girl?”

“I’m nine, sir.”

The man looked over at Zek. “Who’s that?”

“That’s Zekyll, my friend. Well, actually she’s my Uncle Steven’s pet, but he lets me play with her.” Zek slipped herself between Aly’s arm and her waist, purring.

“Sir, there is a large amount of soldiers coming. And they are breaking into North Bristol. Please, sir, we have to do something!”

"Go home, girl. No one will listen to a bloody little girl's pathetic lies."The gruff man slammed the door on them, leaving Aly and Zek absolutely stunned.

“What? Sir! Sir, please!” Aly pleaded but the door never opened again.

She looked at Zek. “What now? Who are we going to tell?” Zek replied with an image of Uncle Steven and Auntie Clair.

“But they won’t believe me! They never do!” Aly complained. Zek growled. “But, Zek, they're coming! The soldiers are going to kill everyone unless we have all of the army people come out and fight! Where are the army people?”

Zek shook her head. She looked up into the cloudy sky and sniffed. Zek sent images of rain falling.

“No! It can’t rain now!” Aly cried, looking into the sky. “And where is that bloody bird?”

Zek growled again and sent betrayal into Aly’s mind. She shook it away.

“Raven hasn’t betrayed us. Zek, why are you always thinking negatively? I promise that it… hasn’t…” Aly’s voice wasn’t so sure.

Zek growled and smelled rain once more. When Aly received the notion she nodded.

“Fine. We’ll go back home and tell Uncle Steven and Auntie Clair about it. I really hope they believe us,” Aly said and looked at Zek. “What if you’re right about the bird? I mean, why would a Raven of all animals betray us? Why would it even do something like that?”

Zek and Aly quickly walked home, just past the market place and the dairy farm. All the way home they were arguing if the Raven either had told them a lie about the army, or if it was telling the truth.

“If we don’t hear from that bird soon, I’ll believe you. Let’s just tell Uncle Steven and Auntie Clair about this first, okay?”

The snow leopard agreed.

Okay! Sorry for my lateness, my internet randomly gave up on life last night, and was only reluctantly resurrected this afternoon.

There was a series of events that led to Lord Isaac’s downfall which I believe are of the greatest importance.

Elias Isaac was a man of incredible wealth and power. He was elected as the Supreme Judge of London in the primitive seventeenth century, and climbed up the political ladder until he was at his zenith. Lord Isaac cared for the successful and thriving nation of the wealthy. The prosperous were invited to join in Parliament and could pass laws and decrees, which would aid the rich.

The poor roamed the streets as pitiful beggars. They were outcasts of the rich, like a wounded lamb in the midst of healthy sheep. The needy would rarely find shelter from the cold, grueling days. They would work for little money, performing tasks that the rich found disgusting. The poor had no other choice than surrender to their own fate. The royalty surrounded them, giving up nothing but an insignificant glance downward onto the streets, where the poor were upon their knees, holding out their hands and begging.

Zek was of course, sending her thoughts of rage and attacking the boy.

Every time that Auntie Clair said that it made Aly grow to hate rich people.

“It’s that… that brat! Look at what she’s done!” Uncle Steven pointed a long, calloused finger at Aly, who didn’t speak. Her eyes were widened and her face softened.

Hey, 3B! The comp's sucking my brain out again, so forgive me if the crit seems wild and wacky.

Ayra: Hah, I'm sorry. I'll try to leave room for you in the future, though I think you made points I never made.

“Sounds great. Oh, silly cat! You’ve made me hungry! C’mon, let’s go get some breakfast,” Aly said and slowly clambered out of her small bed.

“Yes’m,” Aly replied...

Aly frowned and looked at Zek, who stared back. Her beautiful charcoal black eyes seemed to reflect Aly’s image, and she smirked.

Her aunt smiled and nodded [s]her head[/s].

You’re uncle has been through enough without you going and getting caught by doing something impolite.”

Aly nodded and looked mischievously at Zek, who smiled back.

Aly could remember like it just had happened:

“What do you want?” Aly asked, sneering at the approaching boy.

Maxwell walked right up to her and glared. His clothes were a dirty brown, and wet. The rain pounded upon his clothes, soaking them even more.

“Why does it matter to you? [comma instead] You ugly little girl!” Maxwell retorted. Zek growled and got ready to pounce on any given moment.

...Aly said, trying desperately to find something horrible to call Maxwell, but nothing was coming up.

Zek was, of course, sending her thoughts of rage, [s]and attacking[/s] hoping to attack the boy.

He had bright red hair; freckles littered his nose and teeth that were crooked. He reminded Aly of a goat. A bright red goat.

“Yeah!” Maxwell shouted, spraying spit all down Aly’s shirt but the rain quickly washed it away.

She glanced at Aly and suddenly she pounced, throwing herself upon the boy.

The girl tried to send mental images to Zek, but they bounced off [s]like[/s] as if there was a barrier between their minds

“Bloody… I’m telling father about this!” he turned to run away, [period instead] “You’ll regret ever setting that bloody cat on me!”

It turned out that Maxwell did tell his father. [comma instead] And Mr. Hunt made Uncle Steven pay thirty-two pounds.

It was all taken care of rather quickly, [period instead] [s]because[/s] Uncle Steven had just received his money from work, and so he handed it all over.

they had made an agreement that sixteen was half and that would be acceptable.

Aly had never [s]even[/s] owned more than ten pounds in her entire life!

Every time that Auntie Clair said that, it made Aly grow to hate rich people .

If she were to be rich, Aly would have to eat like that every day. And she could not stand it.

Zek coughed out a hoarse laugh, reading Aly’s thoughts.

“Oh!” she cried, [period instead] “Steven is home. He’s too early. The tea isn’t done…” She quickly pulled the ladle out from the tea pot and set it near the fireplace. Auntie Clair sighed and [s]rapped[/s] drummed her fingers against her long plaid dress.

Her other hand was up on her forehead, complaining that Uncle Steven was home too early.

They looked back [s]just in time[/s] to see Uncle Steve open the door and slam it shut.

long black hair that went past his ears and a pair of deep brown eyes [s]that glared[/s] glaring down at her.

“Steven? What’s wrong, dear?” Auntie Clair asked. She received no answer.

“It’s that… that brat! Look at what she’s done!” Uncle Steven pointed a long, calloused finger at Aly, who didn’t speak. Her eyes were widened and her face softened.

The persecutions rose until the trial where Isaac was to be hung if proven guilty.

Isaac’s brother-in-law, Joseph Whitner, happened to be a member of Parliament at that time...

It was clear to them that Isaac had obviously killed the Prime Minister.

This chapter seemed to be totally disconnected from the last one. I just didn't seem to have the same 'feel' as the last one. This was just more juvenile, if you don't mind the expression, with a few more info dumps. It just feels young versus the other chapter's archaic feel. Am I making any sense? Probably not...

There needs to be a little more environmental description in this chapter. I'm really not sure what is happening here. You mention a snow leopard, which makes me think mountains, but then you talk about bacon and eggs, which makes me think about a nice comfortable cottage among the green rolling plains or something. I don't think that pigs would survive in the same environment as a snow leopard. Or, why does Aly's aunt and uncle let her keep a psychic predator in their house?

Hmmm... I really failed to see the connection between these two. Is Aly going to be affected by the entire political fiasco? Is she one of the poor that Issac wanted to eliminate? If so, you should mention Aly's living conditions. It is obvious that they are scraping for money. Describe the house they live in. It seems to me that bacon would be an expensive choice for breakfast food. What else would they eat instead?

Scotty.Knows made a good point in his review, that the very end of your second chapter is a bit of an info-dump. I agree with the newspaper article. It would still fit the feel of the information and wouldn't be so blatantly obvious as an info-dump.

Anyway, congrats on your update. Good luck!

~GryphonFledgling

Hey good job. This was interesting.

Does Aly have a psychic link to her cat or is she just plain psychic and able to read everyone's thoughts? Because if she is able to read everyone's thoughts, I didn't get that impression.

Grammar, usage, flow, and spelling were fairly impeccable. There were just a few places.

It was that horrid kid, Maxwell, who started it.

Aly could remember like it just had happened:

Because, this is our turf! This is where we play, you dumb boy!”

He reminded Aly of a goat. A bright red goat.

She glanced at Aly and suddenly she pounced

Ten years ago, Judge Isaac was accused of murdering the Prime Minister of England. The persecutions rose until the trial where Isaac was to be hung if proven guilty.

At the trial, Judge Isaac displayed the Prime Minister’s will, which clearly stated that Parliament was to agree on Isaac to be the new Prime Minister. Isaac’s brother in law, Joseph Whitner, happened to be a member of Parliament at that time, and persuaded the rest of the members that if Isaac were to become Prime Minister, the poor would most certainly not be a major flaw in the government any longer.

So, at the trial, Judge Isaac was declared innocent from all charges. Such a statement outraged citizens. It was clear to them that Isaac had obviously killed the Prime Minister. But Parliament made sure that everyone believed that he was truly innocent by publishing a small book telling of Judge Isaac. Parliament agreed that he was to be the Prime Minister, and soon Lord Isaac’s reign of terror began.

Hey Jared!
*smacks head* And I thought I could arrive before the other critiquers! *points at JabberHut and yells 'crit hog!'*

Anyways. Forgive me if I repeat anything, but these are my impressions as a first-time reader:

There was a series of events that led to Lord Isaac’s downfall which I believe are of the greatest importance.

Elias Isaac was a man of incredible wealth and power. He was elected as the Supreme Judge of London in the primitive seventeenth century, and climbed up the political ladder until he was at his zenith. Lord Isaac cared for the successful and thriving nation of the wealthy. The prosperous were invited to join in Parliament and could pass laws and decrees, which would aid the rich.

The poor roamed the streets as pitiful beggars. They were outcasts of the rich, like a wounded lamb in the midst of healthy sheep. The needy would rarely find shelter from the cold, grueling days. They would work for little money, performing tasks that the rich found disgusting. The poor had no other choice than surrender to their own fate. The royalty surrounded them, giving up nothing but an insignificant glance downward onto the streets, where the poor were upon their knees, holding out their hands and begging.
No one did anything to help them. No one tried to stop the horrible things that the English were doing to their surplus population. No one cared. The poor would live out their lives and die. It was the way of life. No one tried to help them.

Until Isaac came before the Prime Minister on the night of November eleventh, 1804.

*

He firmly grasped one of the handles to his drawers on his desk, making his knuckles turn a ghastly white.

His beady eyes examined the entire room from the depths of his dark face.

The man cautiously looked around the room until his eyes rested upon the Prime Minister.

He took one step forward as the Minister seated himself in the high-back leather char, fully alert.

His eyes fixated on him his brown eyes cutting into him, as if trying to tear his soul apart.

He took another step back and took his eyes off of the politician. “May I?” he pointed to a brown leather chair sitting just mere feet from the desk.

Easier said than done, the Prime Minister thought as Judge Isaac sat down and leaned back into the chair.

“Then why do you not comply with me and get rid of the whole lot?” Isaac shouted, throwing his hands up into the air. His face was turning bright red and his small beard was rustled.

Isaac stared at the man straight in the face. His face was distorted into a strange frown and his bushy eyebrows were burrowed into his head.

The Prime Minister gasped as he saw a long knife, glinting in the light of the room.

The chair rocked on two leg and finally fell backwards, sending the Prime Minister crashing to the floor and, subsequently, through the huge window behind him.

Hey! Thanks for all of your comments. Jabber, I edited all of those mistakes that you found. So thanks.

I am having a little bit of a breakdown though. This story happens in 1804 and I researched that the English government didn't have Prime Ministers until the 1950s. So, I am trying to decide whether I should make my own country or leave it in England. Any advice? I really don't know what to do.

Anyway, here is chapter two! I hope that you like it! It's not nearly as boring as chapter one.

Aly Stowe

2

Ten years after the rise of Lord Isaac, Aly Stowe awoke to the tender and familiar thoughts of Zekyll. Aly’s small mouth slowly stretched and became a smile as Zek pushed her way through the door and put a paw upon her bed. The snow leopard sent pleasant thoughts toward Aly, and finally the nine-year-old girl opened her right eye, her smile still expanding.

“G’morning, Zek… how was hunting last night?” The little girl pushed herself off her pillow and sat up whilst receiving positive thoughts from the family leopard.

“Sounds great." Aly said. "Oh, silly cat! You’ve made me hungry! C’mon, let’s go get some breakfast.” Aly slowly clambered out of her small bed. She extended her arm out and petted Zek’s warm, white fur. The leopard purred graciously and Aly laughed, beckoning her to walk down the hallway into the kitchen.

“Up already?” Auntie Clair asked as Aly and Zekyll arrived in the kitchen. They were instantly greeted with the calming aroma of bacon and eggs. Auntie Clair was stirring a boiling pot of tea over the fire in the other room.

“Yes’m,” Aly replied and looked at the delicious food that Auntie Clair had prepared. She took a wooden spoon and started dishing some up when her aunt said, “Aly, no. You know the rules…”

Aly frowned and looked at Zek whose charcoal black eyes stared right back at her.

“Auntie Clair, can I please have some bacon and eggs?” Aly asked in a sweet girl voice. Auntie Clair apparently wasn’t satisfied with the answer. Aly groaned and asked, “Auntie Clair, may I please have some bacon and eggs?”

Her aunt smiled and nodded. “Now you remember to ask for permission, Aly. We don’t need you getting into more trouble. Especially now. You’re uncle has been through enough without you getting caught for doing something impolite.”

Aly nodded and looked mischievously at Zek, who smiled back. It was all too fresh in Aly’s mind of what had happened the night before last.

It hadn’t been her fault, really. It was that horrible kid, Maxwell, who started it. It was raining and Aly and Zek were outside, playing in the water. If it weren’t for Maxwell Hunt, they wouldn’t have gotten in trouble.

Aly could remember like it had just happened:

“What do you want?” Aly sneered at the approaching boy. Maxwell glared. His clothes were dirty brown, and wet. The rain pounded upon his clothes, soaking them even more.

“Why does it matter to you, you ugly little girl!” Maxwell retorted. Zek growled and crouched into a defensive position, ready to pounce when needed.

“Because, this is our turf! This is where we play, you dumb boy!” Aly said, desperately thinking of an insult, but nothing was coming up. Zek was, of course, sending her thoughts of rage and hoping to attack the boy.

“No, Zek. Not yet,” she whispered and looked up to Maxwell. He had bright red hair; freckles littered his nose and teeth that were crooked. He reminded Aly of a goat. A bright red goat.

Aly snorted and said, “Go away. This is our land.” Zek was itching for a fight, but Aly resisted giving in until the last possible moment.

“No. What if I wanna play here?”

Aly groaned and said, “Do you want to fight? Is that what you want to do?”

“Yeah!” Maxwell shouted, spraying spit all down Aly’s shirt but the rain quickly washed it away. The boy raised his fists, glaring at Aly.

“It’s two against one,” Aly said, backing up a step. Her voice started shaking as she said, “You’re not going to win. Especially with Zek on my side!”

Zek heard her name and perked up. She glanced at Aly before pouncing on the boy. Maxwell shouted in pain and cried, “Get this ugly cat off of me!”

“Zek, I never told you to pounce!” Aly shouted, running towards the snow leopard and Maxwell. The girl tried to send mental images to Zek, but they bounced off as if there was a barrier between their minds.

“Get – her—off!” Maxwell cried and looked from side to side, trying to find a weapon. There was a stick lying in the mud six inches from his head. Could he grab it?

“Oh, no you don’t!” Aly shouted, running to pick up the stick, but Maxwell already had it clutched in his hands. He took one big swipe at Zek, and smashed the stick into her side. She growled, but limped off of him.

“Bloody cat! Bloody… look what she did to me!” Maxwell scrambled to get to his feet. His arm looked like it had been massacred. There were scratches and nasty bruises, and there was a great cut in his shirt.

“Bloody… I’m telling father about this!” he turned to run away. “You’ll regret ever setting that bloody cat on me!”

It turned out that Maxwell did tell his father, and Mr. Hunt made Uncle Steven pay thirty-two pounds. It was all taken care of rather quickly. Uncle Steven had just received his money from work, and so he handed it all over. Afterwards though, Aly was more than punished. She wasn’t allowed to go outside at all. Aly was condemned to live inside the stuffy old house and she had to find some way to pay Uncle Steven sixteen pounds back; they had made an agreement that sixteen was half and that would be acceptable.

But sixteen pounds! Aly had never owned more than ten pounds in her entire life!

*

Aly set her plate of food down on the wooden table and pulled out a chair. Glancing down to Zek, she offered some eggs but the snow leopard refused. Aly received the notion that she was still full from hunting the night before.

Aly ate her food slowly, making sure that she ate with proper etiquette; Auntie Clair had made it quite clear that Aly was to grow up and be wealthy. Every time that Auntie Clair said that, it made Aly grow to hate rich people. If she were to be rich, Aly would have to eat like that every day, and she could not stand it.

Zek coughed out a hoarse laugh, reading Aly’s thoughts. The two girls smiled and Aly continued to eat.

Auntie Clair was stirring the tea again when she looked out a dusty window. “Oh!” she cried. “Steven is home. He’s too early. The tea isn’t done…” She quickly pulled the ladle out from the tea pot and set it near the fireplace. Auntie Clair sighed and drummed her fingers against her long plaid dress. Her other hand was up on her forehead as she complained more and more about Uncle Steven's early arrival.

As the burly man strode to the door, Aly looked at Zek who looked just as uncomfortable as she did. They looked back to see Uncle Steve open the door and slam it shut. The noise seemed to echo throughout the small three-room house.

“Dearest, you’ve come home mighty early this morning,” Auntie Clair began, but then Uncle Steven cut her off. Aly looked at her uncle’s face: long black hair that went past his ears and a pair of deep brown eyes that glaring down at her.

“Steven? What’s wrong, dear?” Auntie Clair asked.

“It’s that… that brat! Look at what she’s done!” Uncle Steven pointed a long, calloused finger at Aly, who didn’t speak. Her eyes were widened and her face softened.

“Wha –,” she began.

“Steven! How dare you speak that way! Hold your tongue!” Auntie Clair shouted and slapped him across his cheek. He roared and turned to his wife who backed away.

“We have no money! We have no bloody money because of that brat!” he shouted and then stormed off into his bedroom; Auntie Clair followed closely. Aly and Zek could still hear him shouting as they gave each other tearful looks.

“What do you mean I need to calm down?” he bellowed, shaking the rafters. Auntie Clair shouted something to him, but Aly stood up and beckoned Zek to follow her. Aly opened the front door, allowing a cool breeze to enter the house. As soon as they were outside, Aly whispered, “C’mon, Zek. We need to go.”

*

Ten years ago, Judge Isaac was accused of murdering the Prime Minister of England. The persecutions rose until the trial where Isaac was to be hung if proven guilty.

At the trial, Judge Isaac displayed the Prime Minister’s will, which clearly stated that Parliament was to agree on Isaac to be the new Prime Minister. Isaac’s brother in law, Joseph Whitner, happened to be a member of Parliament at that time, and persuaded the rest of the members that if Isaac were to become Prime Minister, the poor would most certainly not be a major flaw in the government any longer.

So, at the trial, Judge Isaac was declared innocent from all charges. Such a statement outraged citizens. It was clear to them that Isaac had killed the Prime Minister. But Parliament made sure that everyone believed that he was truly innocent by publishing a small book telling of Judge Isaac. Parliament agreed that he was to be the Prime Minister, and soon Lord Isaac’s reign of terror began.


*

I'm still welcoming any comments or suggestions! Thanks a million for taking the time to read over this. It means a lot to me!

Hola.

So, as far as history background story goes, this looks good. But I'm not sure if my opinion counts since I don't read much of this type of stuff. =P Your plot is well structured and I have no complaints about grammar.

Now, since thats not helpful at all, I'll let you know what I'd do to improve this. But once again, might not count. One thing you could do, is add more detail. I think there is a sort of...lack of empathy. We see what is happening, but I don't really feel how horrible life is for the poor because it's all kind of just statistics, like reading out of a history book (you know, telling, not showing). *is referring to the first little part* Though that might be the point, at which point don't mind me.

The second thing I'd do...*blink* Oh. Yeah, that's it =P No second thing apparently. Oooh. Wait. Feeling! We could use more of that. You tell us about how the prime minister keeps grabbing that poor handle, but since you use it repeatedly it turns stops having as much of an effect.

Um, and that's it. This was good, though for the moment it feels a bit more like a prologue than it does a chapter. ^_^

Nice work.

^_^ Keek!

Hi, Mr. Badbear! Comments, edits, or other offered documentation is set in braces. I also may use strike marks.



There w{ere} a series of events that led to Lord Isaac’s downfall {that} I believe are of the greatest importance.

Elias Isaac was a man of incredible wealth and power. He was elected as the Supreme Judge of London in the primitive seventeenth century {Since when is the 17th century primitive?}, and climbed up the political ladder until he was at his{“its” would probably be better.} zenith. Lord Isaac cared for the successful and thriving nation of the wealthy {This should be reworded. More like: “Lord Isaac cared only for the successful, thriving wealthy of the nation.”}. The prosperous were invited to join in Parliament and could pass laws and decrees, which would aid the rich {Maybe: “He invited them to join the Parliament. Here they passed laws and decrees which/that aided them.”}.

The poor roamed the streets as pitiful beggars. They were outcasts of the rich, like a wounded lamb in the midst of healthy sheep. The needy {c}ould rarely find shelter from the cold, grueling days. They would work for little money, performing tasks that the rich {abhorred}. The poor had no other choice than surrender to their own fate. The royalty surrounded them, giving up nothing but an insignificant glance downward onto the streets, where the poor were upon their knees, holding out their hands and begging.
No one did anything to help them. {English horrors inflicted upon the surplus population {By the way, is the population really surplus?} went unchecked, unchallenged.} No one cared. The poor would live out their lives and die. It was the way of life. No one tried to help them, {This is understood.} {} that is, until Isaac came before the Prime Minister on the night of November eleventh{“11” is OK to use here.}, 1804.

*

There was a knock on the Prime Minister’s door, and he clearly spoke, “Come in.”
{}
The Prime Minister was an old man;{.} {A}t the age of fifty-two, he {had become} the Minister and fourteen years had passed since then. And {F}or the first time in those fourteen years, he felt afraid of what was going to happen. He firmly grasped one of the handles to his drawers on his desk, making his knuckles turn a ghastly white. He breathed deeply through his nostrils, trying to calm himself down. {You haven't actually said the man who knocked at the door has come in yet. At this point, it is easy to think that the Minister is getting freaked out by a door that hasn't been opened.}

OK, I like it, but I'm not going to read anymore. Before I get to satiate my reading buds, you need to go through this and make sure your paragraph structure and verb tenses are appropriate. Once you've done this (after reading, tweaking, re-reading, tweaking, re-reading, tweaking, re-reading, editing, reading, tweaking, reading, finalizing; at least something like that), let me know. I check it out. Hope to hear from you soon. PM me about it.

Hey Jared!
*smacks head* And I thought I could arrive before the other critiquers! *points at JabberHut and yells 'crit hog!'*

Anyways. Forgive me if I repeat anything, but these are my impressions as a first-time reader:

There was a series of events that led to Lord Isaac’s downfall which I believe are of the greatest importance.

Elias Isaac was a man of incredible wealth and power. He was elected as the Supreme Judge of London in the primitive seventeenth century, and climbed up the political ladder until he was at his zenith. Lord Isaac cared for the successful and thriving nation of the wealthy. The prosperous were invited to join in Parliament and could pass laws and decrees, which would aid the rich.

The poor roamed the streets as pitiful beggars. They were outcasts of the rich, like a wounded lamb in the midst of healthy sheep. The needy would rarely find shelter from the cold, grueling days. They would work for little money, performing tasks that the rich found disgusting. The poor had no other choice than surrender to their own fate. The royalty surrounded them, giving up nothing but an insignificant glance downward onto the streets, where the poor were upon their knees, holding out their hands and begging.
No one did anything to help them. No one tried to stop the horrible things that the English were doing to their surplus population. No one cared. The poor would live out their lives and die. It was the way of life. No one tried to help them.

Until Isaac came before the Prime Minister on the night of November eleventh, 1804.

*

He firmly grasped one of the handles to his drawers on his desk, making his knuckles turn a ghastly white.

His beady eyes examined the entire room from the depths of his dark face.

The man cautiously looked around the room until his eyes rested upon the Prime Minister.

Hey, 3B! The comp's killing my eyes, so I apologize for anything not making sense.

Elias Isaac was a man of incredible wealth and power. He was elected as the Supreme Judge of London in the primitive seventeenth century, and climbed up the political ladder until he was at his zenith. Lord Isaac cared for the successful and thriving nation of the wealthy. The prosperous were invited to join in Parliament and could pass laws and decrees, which would aid the rich.

he Prime Minister was an old man; at the age of fifty-two, he became the Minister and fourteen years had passed since then.

A man in an overcoat and a top hat stepped through the doorway, [no comma] and closed the door.

His face was dark, and his eyes beady.

The man that was standing just in front of the door said, “G’day, Prime Minister. It is my honor to be here.” He took a step forward, making the Minister sit in his leather chair, fully alert.

...hoping that some kind of a warm greeting had made [s]it’s[/s] its way out of his lies.

Oh,” [period instead] Isaac stopped as his eyes fell to the wide window [s]that[/s] behind the Minister [s]sat in front of[/s].

Isaac took another step towards the window, and also towards the Prime Minister himself.

The Minister gripped tighter, if even possible.

The Minister’s bottom lip trembled and said, “Judge Isaac, may we get to the topic?”

His eyes fixated on him, his brown eyes cutting into him, [no comma] as if trying to tear his soul apart.

“May I?” he pointed to a brown leather chair, [no comma] sitting just mere feet from the desk.

“Of course,” the Minister said, his grip tensioning.

The Judge wished that the surplus population should be evacuated from the country, [no comma] and sold as slaves.

In other words, [colon?] out with the beggars, in with more greed.

Isaac commanded, rising from his seat. The Prime Minister shook his head [s]no[/s] and started to speak, but got cut off again.

“I command you to stop!” the Prime Minister shouted, his voice reverberating off [s]of[/s] the walls.

He spoke as if in spurts, making his words utterly powerful.

The Minister [s]was so surprised by this sudden attack that he [/s]yelped and leaned back into his chair.

The chair rocked on two legs, and finally fell backward, sending the Prime Minister crashing to the floor and subsequently – through the wide window.

amazing bigbad, the amount of thought and planning that must have gone into this... wow. ill have to agree with gryphon falcon that the opening line is beautifully well written in fact this is prolly the best work ive ever seen from u... u r amazing...

i also was wondering about the pov, like gyrphon falcon said...

so basically i dont have much to say except pm me with the next chapter, please!

your #1 fan!

Wow, I liked this. I don't have much time to give you a full review, but I will give it my best shot.

Loved your first sentence, I did. I am a sucker for a good first sentence and yours was intriguing. It promised so much. *thumbs up*

I liked your dialogue. That was the thing that really jumped out at me. It was formal, but not drowning us in archaic dialect. It was right to the point. Loved it.

One question, what is the viewpoint of this story? Your first sentence is first person, but then the rest of the chapter is third. Is there an omnipotent narrator (think Frankenstein or something, where there is one person telling the story that has been told to them?) or is it one person and that scene of the chapter was just in another viewpoint - as has been done. There does appear to be a separation between the two bits. If so, and the story is ultimately to be told in first person, it might be a good idea to add a little more first person after the third, or to immediately begin the next chapter with first person. Otherwise, that fabulous first sentence you bring to the table will be for naught.

Anyway, fabulous job, you. I commend you.

~GryphonFledgling