Three Weeks Late

Bhayden71297 wrote:(Please tell me what you think. It was a quick write, to refresh my brain and keep my writing skill active. Just comment on whatever catches your eye. Thanks- Brie♥)

A single car idled I think this would probably be better if you used the word "idle" instead of "idled: in the parking lot and at this time of night it was no surprise. I think in order for you to make this sentence sound better you need to write it one of two ways:

A single car [color=#0000BF]was idled in the parking lotcomma and at this time of night it was no surprise.

OR

A single car idled in the parking lot at this time of night was no surprise.

The way you have in now is very choppy and I do believe the grammar may not be correct, although, I am not certain.[/color] The wind whistled outside; --> This is a sentence fragment and used with the semicolon does not sound good and is not grammatically correct. I would simply delete the semicolon and replace it with the word "was" the only noise echoing in the dim night. I also have to say that it seems that it is raining sense the people in the car are watching the raindrops. Usually rain makes noise so it should probably be included somewhere. Inside the car the young adults sat quietly.

She traced her finger along the window, following the line of each raindrop as it rolled down. Her eyes refused to look at the boy sitting behind the wheel, afraid to speak the fear she housed. Even as his hand was placed softly upon her arm, she didn’t look over.

“You can’t hide from it forever you know.” His voice broke the spell of silence, his whispers hollow in the quiet car. I like that last piece of the sentence, nice! “Eventually, you have to tell me.”

“When I’m ready,” was all she said.

With a deep sigh and shake of his head he leaned back and away from her again, removing his touch on her skin. She only dare turn to him when his eyes were closed. The rain on the windows mimicked the tears on her face.

His eyes opened, but continued to fix upon the windshield, unblinking. In the passenger seat she sat facing him now, opening and closing her mouth as if she had it for the first time and didn’t know how to use it. Eyes closed, she leaned forward. As her lips grazed his ear she whispered,

“I’m 3 weeks late.”

As he turned to face her, he realized her desperation and pulled her close. She clung to him like a lost child, crying for his understanding, pleading for his forgiveness.

“Why would you think that I would not understand, love?”

She pulled away and hung her head.

“Cause it’s not yours.” This is definitely a lot stronger without the word "Cause"

You had a lot of great desciption and imagery hear. I loved your references to the rain and how the two kept staring into the distance and at anywhere other than at each other. It was very well written. Also, you did a lot at letting us know about the character's personalities and minds in so short a story. the actual plot could use a little bit of help, it seemed kind of dry to me, but then again, that's just me. So, all in all, it was wonderfully written, and I didn't catch any grammar or spelling mistakes, so great job.

Wow this is really good. I loved the twist at the ending but like Confetti said I would take out the 'cause' because it ruins the dramatics at the end.

The rain on the windows mimicked the tears on her face.

I think that this was just kind of thrown into the paragraph, it didn't flow very well. I think before mentioning that she was crying that you should explain the pain or sadness inside her before.
It was just a few grammar and spelling mistakes, but over all the story was wonderful, it was a little slow getting to the point but that's fine too. Sometimes you have to build your story up enough to create that shock at end, and you did a great job. Well done.
Keep on writing-
Rayne

A single car idled in the parking lot and at this time of night it was no surprise(this is a clumsy way to pass the message, how about: '...lot, not a surprise at this time of night) . The wind whistled outside- the only noise echoing in the dim night. Inside the car the young adults sat quietly. ('the young adults'? this really takes away the flow, how about: 'the [whatever number of males] guys and the [whatever number of females] girls' or something of the sort?

She traced her finger along the window, following the line of each raindrop as it rolled down. Her eyes refusing(she refused not the eyes, it doesn't work as a phrase) to look at the boy sitting behind the wheel, afraid to speak the fear she housed(Clumsy phrasing again, how about: 'afraid to express her fear'). Even as his hand was placed softly upon her arm, she didn't look(just 'look' would be fine here) over.

“You can’t hide from it forever, you know.” His voice broke the spell of silence, his whispers hollow in the quiet car. “Eventually, you'll have to tell me.”

“When I’m ready.” was all she said.(try making it more imagery, like: 'she said- then silenced again, saying nothing else')

With a deep sigh and a shake of his head, he leaned back- and away from her, removing his touch on her skin(clumsy: 'removing his hand from her' would be a better phrase). She only dared turning to him when his eyes were closed(this one's actually fine, I just thought 'shut' flowed better here- but that's just me). The rain on the windows mimicked the tears on her face.(bad phrasing- how about 'poured, synchronized with her tears')

His eyes opened, but continued to fix upon the windshield(either 'remained fixed upon' or 'continued staring at')- unblinking. In the passenger seat- she sat facing him now('she was now facing him'- saying she sat on the seat is not required), opening and closing her mouth as if she had it for the first time and didn't know how to use it(nice metaphor).Her eyes closed, she leaned forward. As her lips grazed his ear she whispered:

“I’m three weeks late.” (writing in digits is okay as narrator, but horrible as character)

As he turned to face her, he realized her desperation and pulled her close. She clung to him like a lost child, crying for his understanding, pleading for his forgiveness.

“Why would you think that I would not understand, love?” ('Love'?! is he from like the eighties or something?!)

She pulled away and hung her head.('hung her head' is supposed to mean?)

“Cause it’s not yours.”(Great twist! I was honestly surprised, well done!)

That was really great! I totally loved the beginning and end, both keep you in suspense! Great job.

A single car idled in the parking lot and, at this time of night, it was no surprise.

“Cause it’s not yours.”