Annie Tate Happercorn,
Quite enthusiastic,
Even with simple things,
From new and old,
To small and big,
She would leap with joy,
And with a bright smile,
She then sounds her horn,
"How wonderful!",
"Absolutely wonderful!"
That was her signature,
From yelps and shrieks,
To wide eyes and grins,
Her boundless zest,
For everything,
Was unmatched,
Until one day,
A storm,
Full of lightning,
Approached her hometown,
Excited she leaped,
Shrieked and yelped,
Her signature,
"How wonderful!",
"Absolutely wonderful!",
Annie Tate Happercorn,
Was filled with more,
Enthusiasm then she had,
Ever mustered before,
She packed her things,
From snacks and juice,
To her favourite companion,
When ready she set outside,
Running off after the storm,
The wind almost picked her up,
Lightning lit the dark grey sky,
She felt more excitement,
In a fit she sprung higher,
Then she had ever leapt,
The sky roared,
A rod of burning blue light,
Struck down and shocked Annie,
Right on the top of her head,
Annie closed her eyes,
She fell to the ground,
She could not move,
Her world became dark,
In the dark,
She had a dream,
She tried to jump,
But kept falling,
She never hit solid earth,
Only water, a lake,
After many tries of jumping,
And falling,
She opened her eyes,
Light blinded her at first,
Then her mom hovered,
With a big smirk,
"Foolish girl, how are you feeling?",
Annie Tate Happercorn,
Gave her mom a warm smile,
"Mom, I learned something new,"
"And it's wonderful",
"Absolutely wonderful!",
Her mom leaned in closer,
Annie pushed herself up,
And with a big goofy grin,
She said,
"Never leap too high in a lightning storm".
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hey! ChocolateCello here! Happy review day!
I really enjoyed your other poem so I decided to check this one out.
You have an amazing way at developing characters. I can't put my finger on why, but I genuinely loved Annie Tate Happercorn by the end of the first stanza. In less than ten words, I was hooked on this character. Maybe it was the name, maybe it was simply saying how positive she was, but something really made me like her.
Throughout the whole poem, the only problem I ever had was the word 'shrieks'. If you don't say 'shrieks of joy' then I tend to associate the word with terror (That might just be me of course) I would suggest changing it to 'squeals'. It's practically the same thing but it had a more positive vibe.
Oh! And another thing. The word 'smirk' feels a bit off to me. Smirk feels kind of cocky, a bit mean in this case. If it's her mother I might suggest 'gentle smile'. She can still say 'foolish girl' but it will sound much kinder and more caring.
Let me know if you write anything more!
Keep up the good work!
-ChocolateCello
Thanks glad you liked it!
Hi Beth. Eveningstar here for a review.
I am not sure why, but this poem reminded me somehow of Alice in Wonderland. It had a dreamy lyrical quality to it, almost hypnotic in that rhythmic way that lyrical poetry often is. The structure of the poem was quite unusual, and one that I really enjoyed.
Coming to the subject matter, I am not sure how to define my feelings about it, really. I have to say it turned out a lot brighter than I had expected. The descriptions of Annie from the beginning had struck me as slightly sinister, almost otherworldly in it's untainted and absolute brightness. I kept expecting something to happen to reverse the almost compulsively happy mood of the poem, and then it did. Annie was struck by lightening and perhaps, emotionally, the poem would have had greater impact had it stopped right there, with the reader left wondering about the fate of Annie.
But if the effect you were going for was more along the lines of the nonsense verse, then I have to say the continuation didn't hurt the poetry. It kept it in the realm of the comically fantastic, and ended on the same note where it had begun. Semi-nonsensical exuberance. The last line made me laugh, it had an impact of a different kind!
Looking forward to reading more of your work. Well done!
Thank you very much! This really boosted my self-confidence in writing!
Hello BethsLlama,
It was silly; the 'simple' in line 3 could be 'silly'.
I don't think you have an action or adventure poem there.
The narration enchanted me (Her boundless zest for everything was unmatched, big goofy grin, etc). It's a very happy poem, very free, beautiful.
It has an abiding rhythm.
I like the commas. And the free structure.
And the title.
I don't like the 'until' in line 17. Nothing changed after the event; she was still as enthusiastic as ever.
Keep writing, of course.
Chekwube.
Thanks! I will work on my literation and fix the genre setting.
Feel free for criticisms and let me know of any errors!