Mute Emotions

Overall, I loved the song. The lyrics are mixed with feelings of shyness, anxiety, insecurity, fear and inferiority. That's what I see in it. Also, I believe that the man has some personality issues with himself and he can't seem to solve them alone so he tries to express his complicated emotions through a song. I recommend that you continue to use this form of art to convey a characters feelings to the audience/readers. As a first time writer, I realize that I've made huge writing mistakes and reading this rap/poem is very helpful to me personally. So on that note, I enjoyed this as an imaginative piece of storytelling.

Hi there. 567ajt here.

Forgive my naivety. I have never reviewed rap lyrics before, though I have reviewed lyrics/poetry before. So again, sorry if this isn't going to be helpful.

" Lookin 'round at myself, tryin' to find the inspiration,
to break out of the loop, stop all the toil and perspiration,
How long will it be, before it comes to desperation,
'Cos I'm never gunna' know if there won't be an indication
I'm trying not to think of what your gunna' say,
If i come out of the closet, and tell her anyway.
Perhaps I think about you just a little too much
Perhaps you had your chance boy, its time for my touch"

The actual story behind this section is, well, I don't know. I know a lot of rap songs that describe the narrator's abilities and his style of rapping, but you mention a girl and a touch and coming out of a closet. So, again, you seem to mish mash ideas and doesn't quite hold together.

"Don't, get the wrong impression I'm not angry as such
Its just your so damn slow, stuck - stood on the clutch
If it hasn't got through then, maybe it never will,
If I respected your love, don't know I do still,
You go down on your own of out to weep,
not thinkin' about me losin' hours of sleep,
what I've done for you, it goes beyond deep,
all the while, my emotions - net worth: cheap
Cast your mind of now, don't even think of her
"I'd rather sit alone today, OK?" - "Yes Sir"
Looking back what you said seems so fucking absurd,
end result, seems you've made my emotions blurred
You'll snap pretty quick, at the slightest foot out of line,
when other people laughing, joking, saying its fine,
But, that's not the situation, just you by design
It's made me conclude, that maybe there's just not enough time."

So this person doesn't want to think of "her" so he turns to rapping about his ability to rhyme and rap? Also, I know swearing in music is kind of cool because I do it sometimes, but it seems a bit out of place. It also breaks the flow/syllable count of your line, so it is inconsistent.

"If I could I should act, before it's too late,
See unlike you, I'll make a move be the one to instigate.
Work up a conversation and I see you shake your head,
Like I need your permission to talk to her, instead
you listen in checking in there's no conspiracy that I spread
you must know that there isn't from the words that I've said
Perhaps this is the way of coming out with it,
Gotta' go, gotta' say all this silence got me shit."

It's weird how you sometimes use intelligent words, but feel out of place. I dunno if this rapper is an intellectual/stream of conscience rapper or an arrogant, greatest-person-alive rapper.

So, overall, it needs improvement. But it sounds good with that beat. So, give you credit for that.