We slowed down to a walk and looked around a bush to see a troll not two feet from us; its skin was a murky green color and muddy, it was a life sized rock expanding with every breath. Insects gathered around its head landing where ever the slimy green skin showed. It raised its arm to swat away some flies revealing a filthy stench coming from it's under arm. I heard a twig break behind me then the mass of rock turned around. I ducked into the bush grabbing Tobin’s tunic and observing the beast through the branches. It had a large head with yellow teeth and yellow eyes. The teeth were like upside down fangs, like dusty yellow daggers waiting for action, it drooled out a black liquid and stank a smell so fowl I had to hold my breath. It was fat around the waste and a black cloth, a lot like the drool color, covered its lower body. Its hands were as big as an adult human’s head and its dirty unclipped finger nails grasped a thick club, sharp and heavy looking. It bent down sniffing the bush with its large nose; the yellow beady eyes scanned the forest.
The stench of its mass was unbearable. I could not hold my breath any longer. I looked at Tobin and his face was a pale blue-green color, the odor and the lack of air showed clearly on his face. I was certain it was the same for me. Tobin’s end was coming, I could feel it. He was going to give in and when he did the monster would know. I clutched the hard handle of the sword waiting to strike. Then a high-pitched, ear-piercing shriek, loud enough to make me cringe against the bush came from the opposite direction. The troll’s long, bony ears twitched and it moved away, slowly walking and dragging its club on the ground behind it.
(This is a piece of my book, I hoping that if enough people like it I will post the chapter)
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,535 Literary Works • 672,600 Reviews
loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooed it
The stench of its mass was unbearable
The use of the word 'mass' doesn't really work for me - how about 'body'?
Also, I found the repetition of the theme of smell didn't quite work - maybe the references to smell could be whittled down or amalgamated.
That all being said, your story was inventive and gripping - it would have been good to have seen some more so that it really was a story. Please post more.
My 8 year old says:
I thought the description of the troll was very good -it gave me a good image of how horrible it was! When you used the word 'waste' do you really mean 'waist'? The troll sounded like a very scary troll, indeed.
The Troll sounds vile. Just as I would expect a troll to be
The description was good, I had no problems with visualising the creature, but maybe you could simplify it a little. A good description of something really helps the reader to get involved with the story, but just remember not to go OTT or it just becomes too difficult to keep up with. I look forward to reading more of your story! 
I posted the first chapter for anyone who would like to comment. I will edit it as soon as I get a chance.
I would agree with those who have mentioned the abrupt way in which you've presented the troll.
Also, I might venture that it is overwritten. Your description, in parts, is very very nice, and you have an expansive and extremely visual vocabulary. I do think, though, that you have gone over this too carefully, adding in too many unnecessary adjectives and making it fairly exhaustive. Normally, this would be the type of paragraph/excerpt that you would rush through, in anticipation of the action that will surely happen on the other end. Instead, it seems to drag fairly slowly along, and my interest had begun to waver after the second or third sentence of pure, sugary description.
Your sentence structure is also a little bit contrived--and there isn't quite enough variation for my tastes. See if you can add in a few short, sharp ideas without all the clauses and commas and description.
Otherwise, it's nice! I would definitely like to see more!
Hmm.... Not bad. A few grammar/punctuation errors here and there.
"The teeth were like upside down fangs, like dusty yellow daggers waiting for action" Second part of the sentance? Yay! First part? With the 'upside down fangs'... Fangs are teeth. As far as I know, fangs can be on the bottom jaw or the top jaw, aiming up OR down. Therefore, how can they be upside down? :/
"its skin was a murky green color and muddy" And then you go on to say it's like a rock. Generally I don't picture rocks themselves as being green. Moss and mold and lichens and stuff can cover the rocks, making them look that way...
My main problem is... Well... You said this was an excerpt from your story? I wish you'd either given us a different section or given us MORE here. Anybody can spend two paragraphs talking about how disgusting something looks. Just think of gross features, emphasize them, and list them. This seems mostly fine, but I can't really tell what the rest of your writing is like based on this one little paragraph. I don't know the characters well at all... I don't have any hints about what's brought them to this point, or what their goals are... Right now I'd say post the whole chapter, if for no other reason than I want an actual STORY, not just a description of a nasty troll, the likes of which I've read many times before in other, completely different fantasy novels. :/
PM me if you do post the chapter. ^^
I like that you started out right with the action, something to keep a reader interested past the first few sentences.Grats on the great descriptions, as well. I would've liked to know a little bit more about the characters, and how they happened to have run into a troll, but if this is only part of the chapter I suppose that's explained elsewhere. My only warning is to watch the run-on sentences. They can be confusing and hard to keep track of for the reader, and your writing will flow much better if you break it up a little. The best advice I've ever seen is to try and read your writing out loud (or even under your breath) and see where you naturally break or run out of breath.
Just as an example.Good luck!
Good when i started reading and i saw that half of your story was just a description of a troll i was sort of like what? but now that i know that's part of your book.... if you post it ill read it then give it a full review
Hi BerlynnRae,
The last part of the sentence is a run-on. The semi-colon you've used is oddly-placed, too. Here's how I'd rephrase this beginning: "We slowed down to a walk and looked around a bush to see a troll not two feet from us. Its skin murky green and muddy, it looked like a life sized rock expanding with every breath."
Needs a comma after head.
it's should be its, as it's possessive. Underarm is also one word. You should probably have a comma after flies, too.
I could keep nitpicking, but most of your sentences have grammar mistakes. You need to comb through this and make sure each sentence is correct, because otherwise it makes your piece too unreadable. This might be why you've had so few comments so far -- reviewers like to tackle the bigger issues, rather than grammar, so remember to proof-read carefully before posting your work up on the site.
As for the story itself, there's not a lot here for me to work with. It would certainly be easier if you posted a full chapter instead of a small section. It's mostly descriptive and there's no character interaction or action for the reader to be interested in.
Let me know if you post more.
Hey!
First off, I love the descriptions. They provide great imagery, and I could picture the troll quite clearly. Just have a couple of nit-picks:
You use the word "it" or "its" twelve times during this paragraph, almost one every sentence. Now, this is perfectly alright, but I think that it would sound a bit better if you switched out some of the "it's" with a noun, such as "the troll," or "the brute," or some similar word.
You use the word "yellow" three times in two sentences. Adjectives, please!
Overall, I like this. The descriptions, again, are amazing.
Feel free to PM me for questions/comments!
~bLu
Hi, there.
Let me be the first to review! I liked your description here. The imagery is quite vivid, and you've got a good handle on what you are portraying. There were a few spelling errors that can be easily fixed:
I would put 'its' instead.
Instead, put 'foul.'
I think the story has an intriguing start, but that it jumps into the action a bit fast. Perhaps you could give the reader some background before the characters meet the troll. You mentioned that this was part of a bigger story, so that may be the reason there isn't a huge introduction first.
I think you could make this into an interesting story, but it would be great if it was a bit longer and had more details about your characters. However, you're off to a good start!
--Glim