Published January 16, 2013
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139,593 Literary Works • 672,612 Reviews
Hey there.
This is pretty. I like your meter. Nice word choice, dude.
I don't have that many suggestions, not only because this is a short poem, but because it's quite good as it is.
I think this poem would be better if it had a little bit more punctuation. Perhaps put a period after "day." (but that's just a suggestion. I feel like it would scan better. But it's definitely your choice)
And now we come to the one thing that I didn't like about your poem. The long line. Not only does it stick out of the poem visually like a sore thumb, but it gives the reader no time to ruminate on what is probably the best thing in your poem: "walk paved with words". If I were you, I'd put a line break after words. It doesn't really mess up the meter if you do that. It would give me more time to imagine a walkway paved with words. How beautiful. I really love that.
I don't like whence. But I'm really picky. So keep that in if you'd like.
This was a pleasure to review. Happy writing!
Spot on. Sore thumb, it is. While I prefer aspirin, this one's getting a nice, definitive cut right....there.
Carefully, carefully I write this review of mine to you! Here's my Kudos Revue for this lovingly short piece of yours, Night Studio!
Let's tackle your title first. Not only is it very strange, but it's also very interesting. When hearing the word Night Studio, a million images can come into mind, but then when the piece is read, something more interesting comes in. This is the power of GOOD titles, hooking up readers to read their pieces using the strangest combination of words. Great work on having this kind of title
What I like best, though from your short piece is its symmetrical style of writing. Words and wants. Hidden, riven. Whence, where. These are the words which literally bring in a creative shapely rhythm about the piece. I might even draw a line in the middle of it due to its very well done pattern. Fantastic work on establishing that.
The theme and concept of the very piece is like 'Sudden Clarity'. Everything you've shown in the piece is right and yet many people never notice it. Bringing in some kind of revelation, or as I've said a sudden clarity, is a very great goal for me.
The only thing that doesn't appeal to me that much from the piece is the words ans wants part. I think they're sense is different from each other. Not different as in contrast, but different as in far from each other, making they're combination a bit misleading. I hope you check it out
A challenge: you've written a well established piece with a very captivating style, but how about lengthening it? Can you still keep the sudden clarity and style?
Kudos:
Good work and good luck!
Yours indefinitely,
Alf
When I sat down to throw this on the page, I expected a longer stream of words and feeling, but this is what ended up coming together. I'll admit a lot of my work isn't so much craft as formal practice and, if you will, spiritual and linguistic masturbation. But this being said, the words/wants pairing is something I'll linger on a bit. While not intentional, I think the contrast of this sound gives a touch of the contrast of meaning and feeling, a bit of a conflict of interest between words spelled out and said, and wants perplexed and ultimately put back to bed. The idea behind the piece, however, may very well give way to more--more that I'm like to write in the body of a new poem, rather than extending this as it is.
This is incredible! it has the rhythm of a nursery rhyme, short and rolling, yet such un-nursery-rhyme-like content. The language is eloquent and has a good array of "poetic" words i.e paved, riven, whence.
"walk paved with words and wants that shall stay"
This line is my favourite simply because of the flow given to it by the alliteration and the rhyme at the end.
This is exceptional and although I've never read any of your stuff before, i shall do so now!
I hope you can take the time to review some of my stuff with your writing skill!
Fantastic work!
Pollarbear