From egoistic soil
grew the world
swaddled as a boy
and as a girl,
the sexless sexed miasma
of a style
foretold by junk-sick dandies
and Prohibition guile.
A pornographic lullaby by night
our shared, forsaken heritage by day,
I saw the children grow from
the stories they were sold
in the markets in the ruins
where their playgrounds once had stood.
With this rich, distracted company
I grew,
and with them learned the anthems
and the history we knew
by the luster and the color
of the people on the screen,
who in timeless beauty
covered up
starvation’s keen.
Should some sad continent exist
beyond horizons blue and green,
past the corn fields and the fences and the news,
its name and its traditions
I may as well admit,
to the glamour of my mirrored youth
didn’t mean a shit.
What black and ruddy detritus
washed up along the beach,
our patriarchs and judges
taught us not to reach,
as they told us not to speak
to strangers,
to bare tongues,
but to stoke mythology
with holy legends in our guns.
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Canary word: Present
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,774 Reviews
This is incredible! It's honest and straightforward in a... well, not so forward way ^^ I really enjoyed reading it and the content of it is just great! I like your use of words and both rythm and flow went on well with just a few chops. I tried real hard to find something helpful to come with but all I was disturbed with was the irregular structure of the stanzas... so, if you could clear that up this would be close to perfection... (Accorded to me) So I'll give you 4½/5 icky, sticky spiders! Really, very, well done!
Good Luck & Keep Writing
// Demoness
Incredible Idea! To not only portray the beauty in the aborignal history, past and present, but the stigma! The ending truly spoke to me. How contradictory our world is. How we are encouraged to explore, but not explore to far. Thank you, as a reader, for making me feel!
Re: NerdBurga
I've heard it a thousand times if I've heard it once--to scale down the difficulty of some of the words I choose. I'm glad you mentioned this, an opportunity for me to state why I, unapologetic, do and will continue to employ vocabulary with which some may not be familiar. Words being the beautiful things they are, synonyms present an excellent body of tools for the writer to express things common and uncommon. When it comes to something common, such as to describe something as "dark," sometimes dark will suffice. But meaning is nuanced, and the intensity and specificity of a common word may not best serve meaning. In such a case, I might use "sanguine" instead of "dark." For those not familiar with the world, there are dictionaries. Every encounter with an unfamiliar thing is a learning opportunity.
This is a very deep poem. Obviously full of emotion, you obviously am speaking from true inspiration. That's what I love about poetry. The inspiration. You captured my attention with that strength.
I found your affection for the big words interesting. I liked it in that it makes the reader really think, instead of just skimming over it. But just make sure you don't go overboard. You have to remember that there are many who don't have such a good range of vocabulary. Like I said, it makes you think, but some readers may find it too hard and give up on reading it.
Try to keep a structure in the poem. I noticed all your paragraphs are different lengths, with a different number of lines. Technically in poetry it's best to keep each paragraph even, so your poem looks neat and so that you can classify what type of poem it is.
I was impressed that you could make a wonderful poem that wasn't rhyming. That always impresses me, when non-rhyming poems are so well done. You are very skilled.
I really liked this poem. The title got my attention and when I began reading I was hooked. I read it over three times and I have found nothing wrong with it. Great job and keep writing!(:
~WriteWriter