This is the start of a short I've been working on. Would really appreciate some feedback :)
Suspicion
‘Can I ask you a question?’
‘Of course.’
‘Will you answer honestly?’
‘I will.’
‘Mr Coombe…’
A short pause.
‘Have you ever met someone and been certain that they are evil?’
‘Evil?’
‘Yes, evil.’
‘No… I can’t say that I have.’
‘I hope that you never do. Because I have, Mr Coombe, and if you should ever meet someone, and have similar suspicions, please trust your instinct. I found out the hard way that there are people in this world who present themselves to be someone they are not. These people are the dangerous ones, Mr Coombe.’
‘Do you understand me, Mr Coombe?’
‘Tell me that you understand?’
(Transcript of a conversation between Hank London and Mr Coombe on the 18 th June 2009)
1
10th June 2009
Hank London’s first impression of Justin Lines was that he looked like a catalogue model, but with a sinister streak lurking beneath his welcoming exterior. Justin’s clothes were clearly expensive. He wore a knitted cardigan, navy blue trousers, and leather shoes that were buffed to a shine.In the faltering sunlight, Hank approached Justin, who was stood on the doorstep of his manor house. The two men shook hands and weighed one another up. Hank saw a coldness in those blue eyes, and felt his hand crushing under Justin’s iron grip.
An immediate feeling of mistrust rushed over Hank, and he watched Justin carefully as he ushered the guests into his home.
Hank spotted it quickly. It was the smile.
Justin Lines had a smile that looked as though it had been perfected in the bathroom mirror.
Pausing where he stood on the doorstep, Hank fought the temptation to find an excuse so that he could leave. Hank searched for Jennifer, and spotted her dark ponytail disappearing inside the house. Hank cursed himself for hesitating. With a growing premonition of unease, Hank followed the guests as they sauntered down the corridor, and into a spacious dinning room.
Gasps of delight spread through the party as they cast their eyes over the room. It was enormous. It reminded Hank of the pictures he had seen in school, all those years ago, of medieval banquet halls. A long mahogany table ran down the centre of the room. There were candles attached to fittings on the walls, and arranged neatly on the table, so that orange light flickered over the awe-struck faces of the guests.
Hank refused to be impressed, and rather than inspect the room, he watched Justin. Like a preacher, he was stood before the guests, with his arms outstretched. Justin revelled in his guest’s obvious delight. Across the room, Justin and Hank’s eyes met. The smile died on Justin’s lips, and he raised his eyebrows questioningly. The exchange lasted for less than five seconds, because Hank looked away.
‘Please do sit down.’ Justin said.
The scratch of chairs being pulled back echoed through the room. The guests shared awkward glances, and their shyness left them tongue-tied. Justin poured red wine into glasses, and the visitors gradually relaxed. Conversation gained momentum like a train gaining speed.
There was a brief pause as the food arrived. It was served on aluminium dishes by waiters with Scandinavian accents and oiled hair.
When they left, Justin coughed, and the guests looked towards him expectantly. He raised his glass and said in a voice that sounded to Hank like that of a politician:
‘I would like to thank you all for accepting my invite tonight. It’s reassuring to know that my new neighbours are such fine and welcoming people. Enjoy the food, friends.’
To Hank’s dismay, Justin’s little speech was met with wide and adoring smiles. Distancing himself from conversation, Hank instead picked at his fancy Thai roast chicken with apple and mango salad, and sipped vintage wine that probably cost more than his monthly income.
Hank only lifted his head when Justin laughed. Because there was something missing in that laugh, Hank thought. It was a sound without a real meaning.
Time passed slowly. Hank found himself looking at the rest of the guests. He was amazed to find that he was the only one able to see through Justin’s carefully designed façade.
Jessica and Lauren sat directly opposite Hank, and the way they fought for Justin’s attention was like dogs fighting for scraps.
Batting her fake eye lashes, Lauren asked Justin:
‘Have you ever been married?’
Justin shook his head, and when he replied his voice was as sombre as someone delivering a eulogy:
‘I’ve been very unfortunate in love. I haven’t been able to find the a woman who could put up with me.’
Justin’s answer was followed by that smile. The smile that made Hank’s insides feel all watery, and made his skin crawl like a hundred insects were running across it.
Hank watched the reaction of the guests around the table. He was astonished to find he was the only one who found this information unusual. Hank looked back towards Justin. With his fortune alone there must have been plenty of suitors. And, to add to his wealth, the three women at the table sending Justin hungry looks was proof that he wasn’t bad looking either.
In his peripheral vision, Hank saw that his wife Jennifer was practically undressing Justin with her eyes.
Well, Hank thought bitterly, he’s welcome to her.
Hank tried to get eye contact with Jessica and Lauren’s husbands, but it quickly became evident that their infatuation with the host was as severe as their wives.
Dan stumbled over his words as he invited Justin out on his fishing boat, and Richard acquired a lisp in his eagerness to ask Justin to Arsenals next home match.
Draining his glass of wine, Hank reminisced to a time when he got the very same invites.
Things couldn’t have got worse, until they did. As conversation turned to children, Hank couldn’t shake the feeling that this latest disaster was inevitable. Hank put down his knife and fork. His appetite was ruined.
It was Jessica who had brought it up. Of course it was. In keeping with her usual antics, Jessica had consumed too much wine.
‘Do you have any children, Justin?’ she asked.
Those not drunk enough to recognize Jessica’s blunder sent Hank and Jennifer sly glances that they thought would go unnoticed. Hank saw Jennifer lower her head.
Justin dabbed his lips with a white handkerchief and said: ‘No, I don’t have any children. Although, I have always wanted some. I was sure I would have children.’ He paused and then joked: ‘I guess it isn’t too late just yet.’
‘Do you have children?’ Justin asked Jessica.
‘Yes.’ She slurred. Going on to name them all whilst Dan nodded along, probably, Hank thought, keeping count to ensure she didn’t forget to mention any of them, something that she’d done on several occasions in the past.
Justin then asked the same question to Richard and Lauren, who quickly explained they had two boy twins who were studying to be lawyers at university.
‘Hank and Jennifer.’ Justin said. ‘Do you have any children?’
In Hank’s mind, Justin’s voice sounded cruel. Could he not sense their discomfort, or the tension that filled the room?
Hank knew Jennifer wouldn’t trust herself to answer, so Hank looked Justin in the eye and said simply but firmly:
‘No.’
Justin nodded and the only thing preventing silence was the classical music that played from an antique record player in the corner of the room. Hank hadn’t heard it before now. It was another thing that irritated him. Classical music was not his cup of tea. Hank preferred the blues.
Eventually conversation resumed. Hank caught Jennifer’s eye. She offered him nothing but a blank look, with the seedlings of contempt. It was a long time since they went through such things together.
The evening passed slowly for Hank. It was like a long journey with countless delays.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,561 Literary Works • 673,435 Reviews
Hi Ben!
Well you definitely know how to draw someone in for sure! After reading the italics, I knew I would have to keep reading because my curiosity was peaked. I could tell from how you described Hank's reaction and notice of Justin, that the suspicion he has is probably going to hurt him in the future. I can't wait to read more because I want to know what happens. What did Justin do? How did it affect Hank? Does it tie in with Jennifer? And did something happen to Hank and Jennifer? Did they lose a child?
I believe you were very descriptive with how you wrote. You kept my interest by dropping not so subtle hints, at least to me, that there is something majorly wrong with Justin's character. I wanted to keep reading. To puzzle out what Justin is and how he fits in with the people. It seems Justin is new due to the party and how he calls them neighbors. I assume its a party he threw to get to know his neighbors? At least that's what the majority of them think? But maybe there's a more sinister reason? I really do hope to learn more about this plot and will definitely like to keep reading at a later time. I didn't see any mistakes with your grammar or your spelling so nicely done! Keep up the good work!
Sincerely,
Soulkana
I think the opening was really interesting. It motivated me to continue reading.
I think you had captured the mental movements of Hank really well. I could sense his mistrust and wariness very quickly. Keep it on!
The last thing I would like to say is about this sentence:
‘Tell me that you understand?’
I believe that it would be better if it is written like this:
‘Tell me that you understand. Right now!’
Well, that's all I would like to say. Good luck continuing on writing this fabulous work!
Hey there. Happy review day!
As for the things I like, I appreciate how you let us see things in Hank's perspective. In my opinion, I think it's interesting to see how someone isn't like the crowd, and here, we could see Hank is the only one not pining away over this Justin fellow. Had it been in the perspective of others, then it may have been a little less gripping, considering how the other people present were also head-over-heels for him. Now, for things I think are a bit off, here they are.
At the beginning of this work, you used "Mr" a lot. Nothing wrong there, but as far as I know, you should add a period after it; so instead of just "Mr" it should have been "Mr.". Next, you tend to use apostrophes than quotation marks for dialogue. Generally, it should be quotation marks, unless the dialogue is being said inside another, like for example, a person quoting another person while speaking to someone else. General things aside, here are some particular lines that caught my attention:
Here, it seems somewhat choppy. I think you can drop the period before because and replace it with a comma. After that, on personal opinion, you can drop the comma as well as "and" after "Mr Coombe" and replace it with a period. Lastly, you could drop the comma after "someone". In effect, the sentence would be, "I hope that you never do, because I have, Mr. Coombe. If you should ever meet someone and have similar suspicions, please trust your instinct.
I believe it's safe to say you can drop the comma.
Same thing as above. In general, there are some sentences here and there in this work that have commas that I believe could be dropped. A quick reread should be able to make you spot them.
Like the first, I would drop the period and replace it with a comma.
Now, I'm not too sure on this one, so I did a quick internet search. Seems like Arsenal is a sports team. If that was the case, it should be "Arsenal's".
I believe it could've been better if you added "her" after "was".
This seems awkward to read, at least for me. Personally, I would dissect them into different sentences, but my writing style is different to yours. I advise you rewrite this part.
That's it as specifics go. I'm also a bit curious about Hank. He generally seems jealous to me. I get the vibe that he doesn't want someone else taking the spotlight, because of the line that mentioned that those questions the others raised to Justin were directed at him before. I personally don't see anything wrong with a man trying to make new friends, even if he seems overly polite or nice than normal. Justin's new around the block, so I think it's only natural he does his best to impress everyone. Maybe there's some back story I don't know of? It'd be interesting to read about, if that was the case.
Overall, it's a nice take of someone who thinks differently from the mass, be it because of a good sense of perception or jealousy. You just need a little bit more help with execution. Good luck and keep writing!