Hey Benji! :^) Finally getting around to a review. I'm going to comment on each lil excerpt individually, I think. Quoting just for clarity's sake and to help organize!
"The moment brings a memory, fading in - a sudden thought. Then time stood still, I get a chill, thinking of things I wish I forgot."
I like how despite having a typical poem format that this ready very much like a poem. I think if you structured it like a stanza it'd work quite well, but it also works as a nice one-liner. It does feel a bit naked on its own, as it is a bit vague, and there's definitely more that could be said. I think it's a solid start for building something more off of it, though. I'd be curious to know: What's the memory? Why is it so haunting? There are plenty of directions you could take it, I'm sure, but I do think it'd be a great hook. The rhyme scheme and the rhythm feel very natural to me.
"My love is a burden, not made for you to carry it, but while you're still here, can you help me bury it?
Once we forget, we'll pass all regret, I hope this bond we share mends... can't we still stay friends..."
This one flows a little less naturally to me . The main reason being: the phrases "not made for you to carry it" and "can you help me bury it?" - though they rhyme, don't match each other with their syllabic counts for each phrase. The first has 8 syllables, the second has 7. Though it's a small detail I wonder if you could reword the first or second phrase so they had an even number of syllables, because I think it would help with the flow.
Here's an option where the two ending phrases match in syllable counts. I can't think of a great one, but this is just an example!
- you don't have to carry it...
can you help me bury it?
The same thing applies to the last two phrases. "I hope this bond we share mends" has 7 syllables and "can't we still stay friends" has 5. I think because the closing phrases of the previous line are 7 and 7, it'd be best to stick to the 7 and 7 for the last two as well.
It's a small thing, but I find when you're going for a rhyme scheme, even a loose one, syllable counts seem to matter all the more. Even if you're not doing super structured poetry, I find it helps with the flow.
"I wish I could heal, these moments that I steal, they seem too out of my control, but whenever my heart takes center stage I feel it's me who plays the fool."
I'm being all nitpicky with syllables, but I find that when you're going for something that feels lyrical, especially, it's part of what makes something feel more like a song. Or sing-songy (thought I don't mean that in a cheesy way).
My teeny suggestion would be to cut "they seem to out of my control" to "seem out of control" to match the syllable counts of the first two phrases. I think it'd help the start of this sentence feel more punchy so that when you get to the "whenever my heart takes center stage..." it feels more like that part of it is actually taking center stage, as it's breaking the 5 syllable punches in the beginning with a longer thought.
As far as content for this one goes though, I love it. I think it'd be the strong start of a longer poem or dramatic poem-like piece if you wanted to build on it. I'd love to see the stage as a recurring theme or more stage/performance imagery.
"Why do I feel that it's only me who's losing, in this one sided tug of war.
But I got nothing left to give so I'll just give in, I just need to quit pretending.
Would you ever drop the rope to let me up, if that means I'm hanging on to you?
Hopefully the weight isn't too burdensome, just wish I could drop this baggage for two."
Tiny thought - if you cut the "but" at the start of the second line, I think it'd make that line hit a lot harder, and really drive home the severity of: "I've got nothing left to give."
As far as the visual theme goes, I do find my brain kind of flip-flopping. At the start I'm imagining a tug-of-war, with two people holding both ends of a rope. Then you go "would you drop the rope to me" and my brain goes "wait weren't they both already holding it?" Lol. I really do like both images but I wonder if there's a way to connect them more smoothly. Both ideas are great, I'm just not sure if they work the smoothest together.
I also wonder if you could keep the rhyme scheme going. You kind of have an: A, B, C, C thing going. I wonder if you could make the end of the first two lines rhyme? Just a thought! Not that everything has to rhyme, but I know you've got a knack for them!
The defenses we've forged have been equally intimate
I won't quote this whole bit here since it's longer, but I think this is probably one of the strongest one of the bunch in my opinion! I decided to quote my favorite line from it. I love the weight that this line carries. I love the juxtaposition of defenses, a word describing walls and separation, being put alongside the word intimate, a word describing vulnerability, and closeness. I feel like it creates a very clear picture of the state of the relationship and reinforces the original picture of the people being on two ends of a phone line, which in a way, is a picture of connection, but at a distance. Intimacy, but with walls up. Love, love, love this. This could be posted as a poem on its own for sure. It feels complete to me, even if it's short.
I don't have as much to say for the last two excerpts. They're both pithy, but conceptually, I know I've definitely heard similar sentiments in similar words. Nothing's really wrong with that, I think it's just the nature of Christianity being something that's developed over decades and people have said so many things in different ways but it's all the same thing lol. But there's nothing wrong with repeating truths in your own words!
Okay, I think that's all from me! I tried to leave some helpful feedback but let me know if you have any questions for me if anything I said was confusing or if you just want clarity/elaboration! I always like reading your stuff, man.
KEEP WRITING!!!! <3
-soundofmind
Points: 3255
Reviews: 174
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