Chapter One
Wind whipped through the branches of the nearby willow trees.
Erick glanced up at the night sky, the moonlight bright as ever, the stars like sentinels guarding heaven itself. His two companions stood silent behind him. They were brave to have accompanied him to this forgotten corner of the world. Truly, they would have been good friends—had they been his equals. Erick did not have the luxury of friends. No—they were loyal, he would give them that. And perhaps they would be granted permission to keep their house titles in his new empire. But friends? Never. Not once in his life had he been so fortunate as to find an equal amongst the nobility—someone he could call a friend. Someone who could truly understand the way his mind worked.
Erick stood on a small hill overlooking a flatland of trees and swamp. The breeze danced around him, flipping his cloak in a rhythmic pattern. The stench of the bog filled his nostrils as the wind passed, threatening his gag reflex. He controlled the urge—no need to show weakness.
Hundreds of trees lined the entrance to the swamp, their long and pliant branches swaying with the wind. Willow’s Marsh—at last, the forgotten forest stood before him. His dedication and perseverance over the past three years would soon pay off.
“You desire to press on, my lord?” Gibraltar asked. “The path through the swamp will be treacherous.”
The question sounded like more of a plea from Gibraltar—a plea to not go into the swamp at night, a plea to avoid risking his life. How pathetic. Perhaps he wouldn’t be keeping his title after all. “Of course, you fool,” Erick answered in his deep, gravelly voice. “We knew the path would be treacherous before we set out on this venture. We either go in tonight, or wait another month. We know the instructions—the waning moon of the third day only lasts one day. Or did you fail to grasp that before?”
Gibraltar paused, then answered, “I’m sorry, my lord, it won’t happen again. Excuse my lapse of judgment.”
Erick simply nodded, noting the apology. He didn’t accept apologies—or rather, he didn’t grant forgiveness. No, for the men who believed themselves above the commoners, he had no pity. But he needed allies—if only for a little while longer. The only two men who answered his call stood with him tonight—the revolutionary chieftains from the regions surrounding Sellidel, the capitol city of the empire. His father’s empire. The empire his brothers fought over. The empire he planned to take from them.
“Come, then, lords of the court. Let us take our destiny out of the hands of those who would control it.”
Erick walked down the hill toward the forest swamp. No need to be nervous. No need to show fear. He had an air of omniscience, an air of command, which led his disciples to follow him without question.
The willows swallowed them as they entered the darkened forest. Light from the moon and stars failed to reach the men as they journeyed further into the thick trees. Careful to follow the path from the map, Erick led his companions to the heart of the marsh—to the lair of Hellser the Immortal.
The group neared a light in the distance. The only light for miles, save the torches in their hands. A thatched hut with a single window stood squeezed between three thick willows. Erick paused before approaching, confused. There should have been a guardian at the entrance, but he couldn’t sense anything . . .
“This is the resting place of Hellser the Immortal?” Fratican asked. “This lowly hut?”
Of course Fratican would ask something like this. He, who was raised in lace, was fed with lavish excessiveness, and who trod upon the poor, taking even the little they had. “Naturally,” Erick replied, hatred churning in his gut. He stepped toward the door. “Did you expect a palace?” He strode to the door and opened it after knocking a single time.
Something tackled him from the side, throwing him several feet from the hut. Erick felt something pierce his side and sink deep into his flesh. It ripped free as he hit the ground, and the beast that tackled him rolled away. Dazed, Erick tried to stand. He could vaguely hear the screams of his companions, who drew their blades, preparing to defend themselves.
A screech to his left startled Erick from his stupor, and he glanced over. Some sort of spider the size of a horse had tackled him. He felt where the spider stung him—a massive bump caked with ooze had already formed. The enormous beast reared on its hind legs and let out another screech, smacking its pincers. Erick rolled to the side as the beast charged, its hairy legs grazing him as it passed.
He stood up, drawing his rapier. Blood trickled down his side, soaking his shirt and trousers.
No need to feel fear. If this was the test he had to pass, then he would pass it.
The beast charged again. Erick rolled on his shoulder and slid under the spider as it passed, slashing his thin sword in three quick successions with mastered precision. The beast rolled to the ground as both of its hind legs were cut free.
Erick arose, advancing on the spider, sword at the ready. The beast tried to stand, leaning forward to compensate for the loss if its legs, but stumbled head first to the ground. Erick stabbed it again, sinking his sword into the same spot he’d cut on the beast’s abdomen. The rapier sunk in deep, and the beast screamed, piercing the night with its cry. Erick twisted his rapier, causing the beast to shriek louder. A quick thrust, and a groan from the beast, then all was silent.
Wind whipped through the branches of the willow trees.
Eirck pulled his sword from the body of the spider and wiped it with a bloodstained rag.
“There’ll be more where that came from, gents. I suggest we get a move on before more show up,” Fratican said, walking toward the hut.
Erick held out his sword, the flat of the blade resting on Fratican’s chest. “There’s another way in, Fratican. My guess is it’s around the back.”
“You intend to go through with this, then, my lord?” Gibraltar asked, peering around the clearing in anticipation, holding his sword aloft. “There is no coming back after it is done. Once he takes out your heart . . .”
“I’ve made up my mind,” Erick said softly. “We wouldn’t be here otherwise.”
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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It seems Dude and Vyper have covered most of the salient points here, so I'll just point out a couple things.
If he knew this before hand, why did he open the door in the first place?
Interesting. This is the first time I've read a story where the protagonist has the "distant heart" ritual performed on him. (If that's what this is leading up to.)
It's just a personal thing, but this seems to be put in simply to simply to follow fantasy conventions. Why not hint at his disdain for nobility rather than telling us outright? Then perhaps in a future chapter you can write a scene showing *why* he dislikes nobles.
There you have it- my two coppers on this piece.
Stori
Hello Ben,
I saw your message, and here I am!
So like I said in the last review, avoid the word "had" (unless to clarify specific moments in the past, or used in dialogue). You've used it 12 times in this chapter, which I'm afraid is too many. I'll give a few suggestions here for replacing some of them. But I would get rid of them all if possible.
Okay...
In the very first sentence I would replace "up at" with "into". Sort of a personal preference I know, but "into" combined with "sky" will imply which way he is looking and allow you to cut the "up" (which is also listed as a "forbidden word" in that link I gave you before.)
This is a little picky, but you just used "sky" in the previous sentence. (Which was a good one), so I would use "starlight" or something instead of the bolded part above. The two "the"s are also a bit repetitive so close to each other.
I think "followed" or "accompanied" would be more descriptive. Also, put in an adjective to describe the "corner of the world" (forgotten? desolate? barren?) You have a good opportunity for description here.
You already know what I'm going to say here...
That isn't perfect either, but you get the idea I hope.
Avoid using contractions when speaking as the narrator. Just hit Ctrl + f and search for them when you're editing. (But keep apostrophes for possessives). But make sure to keep using contractions in dialogue so the characters feel natural and real.
That reads a little awkward. If you want to use the word "gag" (Which sounds a little strange in an epic medieval setting) you could try, "The foul stench of the bog filled his nostrils as the wind passed. Erick fought the urge to gag, refusing to show weakness in front of his men."
"he'd" is both a contraction and a "had". We gotta do something about that
Maybe, "would soon pay off"? They have to do something there right? It hasn't quite paid off yet.
Gibraltar is a knight, so you could make him a little more formal/ overly respectful towards Erick, especially since you already established that they are not friends. Start the sentence with "Do", change "want" to "wish", and cut "tonight" (we already know what time of day it is, and so does Erick).
Also, ShadowVyper already mentioned this, but that "he" is actually referring to Gibralter right now (the last male character mentioned by name.) You could change the the word "bolder" to "more cautious" and keep the "he" as it is now. Also, since that section is all about Gibralter, it should all be one paragraph. With a new paragraph started when Erick answers him.
"was not"
This is a little "telly" here. Perhaps you could reveal all of this in the dialogue? Perhaps Erick is angry over Gibralter's reluctance to enter the swamp, so his goes on a short rant and asks Gibralter if he would rather "go back to Sellidel" and "face my brothers' swords?" "Has the meaning of the word rebellion eluded you once again, Gibralter?"
(Sorry, I got a little "in character" there
Repetition of "plan" and "planned" reads awkwardly here.
Flip the first sentence around and remove the "had's/ have been's" Also, there should be no spaces between the ellipses (I think, double check that).
"Erick sighed before approaching, disappointed that there was not more of a struggle. He expected something to be guarding the entrance, but all was quiet..."
Okay reading on...
I'm enjoying this action section very much
You don't need to describe "stabbed". But you could try "Erick lunged towards the beast, sinking his sword..."
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Okay, this is pretty good. I'm sorry if that was too critical, but medieval fantasy is what I like to read, so I was looking for anything to improve the story. I also like stories with the perspective of the villain too
Just make sure that at some point in the story, (it doesn't have to be the first chapter), we learn why Erick is a villain. Like a believable reason as to why he acts the way he does, some event in his life that turned him into who he is. If you can pull that off you'll be gold. You touched on his hatred for his family already, so it should tie into that somehow. (Like his father deliberately left Erick out of the family inheritance? Or the King never really loved Erick's mother and just had a son with her for political reasons? I like to brainstorm
Anyway, I do think you have the start of a good story here. The descriptions of the monster and the swamp/surroundings were excellent. Just remember to spell out contraction's and avoid "had's/have been's" when speaking as the narrator.
That's all from me, keep up the good work!
-Dude
Hey Ben!

~ A nice cumulative sentence, but I think it reads better without the 'and'.Shady here with your review.
You said this is for a contest, so I'm going to nitpick it to death. I hope that's okay.
~ It might just be me, but the breeze dancing through the air read funny. Maybe try: "The breeze danced around him, flipping his cloak in a rhythmic pattern."
~ This doesn't make it clear who was bolder. Who is 'he', and why wasn't the question a surprise? Was Gibraltar braver, and asking if his lord had the guts to go on-- or was he afraid his lord would go on, and he'd have to follow?
~ I like this...a lot. It's a good insight into his personality, methinks.
~ I believe Dude's already explained why he advises against using 'had' in your prose. I don't have the hatred of it he does, but he's gotten me to the point of agreeing with him--and therefore noticing 'had's-- and that 'had' is unnecessary.
~ This feels like a mini-tangent. I think I'd nix it-- just say it made the lords follow him. That would make me assume that they had a habit of following, and they followed him then. Besides, earlier in the story you *showed* us how quickly he silenced complaints-- no need to tell us about it now.
~ How can you "near" something in the distance? That sounds contradictory. Maybe try something like "They saw a light in the distance, and began moving toward it."
~ I don't like the way it looks if you break up dialogue with an action, and then put more action on the end. There's nothing *wrong* with it, but I don't like it.
Maybe change this to something like: "He strode to the door and knocked once, not waiting for a response before he threw the door open."
Then you can add that to the next paragraph.
~ Hmm, I'm not sure if 'astounded' is the word you want here. Why would he be amazed with himself? Maybe disgusted, or annoyed, or something like that would be be better?
I also don't really like questions. Maybe change the bit after a semi-colon to something like "yet he walked up to it, carelessly, stupidly."
~ I thought Erick opened the door before the spider attacked him?
~~~
Okay!
I hope that wasn't too harsh. I did like your story quite a bit. Erick seems like a strong character. A bit arrogant, and harsh, but I like him a lot. He's my favorite type of character, and you write him very well.
I don't know what the target age for this contest is. If it's adult, you might want to add a bit more gore/description to the fight with the spider. It's obvious that the spider is big-- but is it, like, Shelob big-- the size of a pony or so, or is it bigger?
Does it have eyes? Eyes can be unnerving, especially with spiders. I'm a bit twisted, and you don't have to follow my advice, but I like it when beasts can get a reaction from me. Like, spiders-- I don't like them. I'm not scared of them, but when I actually stop, and look at the spiders, and see the way their legs move, and how quickly they move, and check out their fangs and eyes-- it makes me think about them jumping on me, and sinking their fangs into me, and pumping me full of venom before rolling me in a silky body bag and...you get the idea.
They make me shudder. So, maybe, instead of just 'something' piercing him, you could add more description, of the pain, of the fangs, of venom being pumped in. Something...unless it's for children. You don't want to scare the kiddies.
Anyway, I liked it, and I'm looking forward to your next chapter. Thanks for letting me know.
Keep writing!
~Shady