Young Writers Society

Hi there Belle! A very belated welcome to the site!

I really liked some of the metaphors in this piece. The constant references to space, light and stars were effective and consistent, and while I think that sometimes the comparisons between the characters and stars, for example, could have been a little more subtle, I liked what you were doing.

I think something that would strengthen this piece would be, of all things, a little more scientific accuracy. I liked the part about the other girls being stars "outshining" the protagonist, and there were several other parts that were lovely and romantic, however I think that the piece was weakened by the fact that it didn't quite work from a scientific perspective. And I know that a lot of writers aren't always massively into physics, but astronomy is super fascinating, and I feel like if you were to do a little research into stars and such, and weave it into this piece, and keep it all scientifically accurate, it would make the piece that much stronger.

On a similar note, I thought the fact that the love interest was a moon and the protagonist was a star didn't entirely work for me. For starters, because a moon wouldn't have a very strong gravitational pull on a star (I mean, if we're getting technical, everything exerts a gravitational force on everything else, but it would be very negligible), because a star has so much more mass than any moon. I know I'm being very literal-minded, however from a real-world standpoint, a star is just so much more impressive than a moon. Stars are massive. Gigantic. They absolutely dwarf moons (I'd love to see a twist on this where you play on that - the protagonist realising their importance or something along those lines - despite not being as bright and immediate as the moon from one perspective, and appearing small, but in reality actually being bigger and brighter than you'd think, if that makes sense).

Be careful not to get too mushy with the romantic sentiments. This is a tricky one, because everyone has different preferences for this sort of thing, but I did find that this piece was occasionally a little too over the top romantic. The writing shows talent for playing with words, so I feel like with a little work, the love the protagonist feels for this guy could be shown to the reader with a little more subtlety, rather than being so on the nose.

As another reviewer mentioned, keep an eye out for the switching tenses - this seemed to be an issue mostly at the start. Reading aloud might help with this, and any other flow issues that you might have with your writing, be it this piece or anything else.

I was tempted to talk about characters and developing them further, which, if you were intending this to be a short story, you need to do, but since this is a prose-thing more focused on the ideas and figurative language, I won't go into further detail about the characters.

I think that this is a strong start to what could be a wonderful bit of prose. The basic idea is there, all it needs now is a bit of refining.

Any questions or concerns, let me know!

The descriptions have so much potential! I can see this as an excerpt from a teen romance novel. (That's not always a bad thing.)

However, you switched tenses from past to present, and vice versa, a LOT, making the piece hard to read. Try to be more consistent with that and your writing could be beautiful.

Hey BelleMirus, it's AshleyDashley here for a review!

First off, your title really caught my attention and made me curious as to what this was about.
And then I read and I was so caught up in what you wrote I was sad it ended. It was so beautiful. Some of the lines were just magnificent.

Once I let myself listen to him, I reach for something to hold on or else I'll inevitably fall.

He was my moon, the light in my lonely and empty sky.

He doesn't seem to know he has this gravity that keeps me closer to him.

All I know and I'm completely sure of is that he will always be the luminescent art in my tenebrous and empty sky. The perfectly flawed beauty in my universe.