Published March 19, 2014
She sits down and I sit with her, my copy of her chair exactly where it should be. She is talking to him, and I mouth the disgusting words she is saying. She loves him, although she has a coarse way of conveying it. I could do it so much more eloquently. They’re smoking now. I sigh inwardly. Sometimes it feels like she is trying to kill us. Doesn’t she know how hard it is for me, bound to her endlessly? Following her every move like a marionette? I am always conscious, cringing at every mistake she makes. I could do so much more, but instead she was given the life I covet. She does so many things wrong, so many things. However, she did one thing right. She found him. He is kind and sweet, rough but gentle. I want to be able to feel like she does, feel his hand in my hand, his lips on my lips. However, I know that this will forever be impossible. I can’t move. I can only do exactly what she does, and I can only touch copies of the things she touches. They get up and I follow, tracing her heavy footfalls in submission. I wish she’d do something with her hair, or at least brush it. She’d actually be quite attractive if she didn’t look like a homeless person. It’s gotten to the point where it’s actually embarrassing for us to go out in public. He doesn’t seem to mind, though. How he can be so gracious astounds me. She doesn’t deserve him, I think. I deserve him. He should be my prize for these long years of servitude. And while we’re on the topic of impossible dreams… I look at the sunny park. I want to be able to feel the sunlight. Quite a laughable thought, as my mere existence means the absence of light. I’m just the dark spot on the sun-drenched asphalt, the thing that everyone dismisses as pedestrian and takes no notice of. I wonder if their shadows ever wanted something more than this. Suddenly, a large cloud hides the sun and I feel myself fading. I take one last wistful look at him, and disappear into oblivion.
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139,521 Literary Works • 672,597 Reviews
Utopia dreamworld here,
This is an amazing passage, the story-line is well thought through and I like the way you described how the shadow has to follow her and how she wishes she was in control. It's such a good idea, who would've thought of writing something from a shadow's point of view?
There isn't any mistakes apart from the fact that you didn't use paragraphs. I can kind of see why you didn't use them but it would make it a little easier to read.
Your description and emotion is amazing. Everything about this story is so satisfying that I struggled to find criticism. I really enjoyed this.
Utopia Paradise, signing out.
Wow! Personally, I think you should continue this. Although I knew almost nothing about the girl, I felt like I knew exactly who she was. I loved the thoughtfulness of the shadow, and how she was personified. The only critique I can really give is to keep in mind the structure of your prose. A huge paragraph like that can slow the reader down. Also, your use of italics was spot on. A lot of people misuse them but you used the exact right amount.
Ps. Happy Review Day!
-Rosie
This is amazing! I love the way you describe the girl, as such a lucky, clueless idiot. And the shadow, always left behind and bitter. Do OUR shadows feel like that?
And I agree with Holysocks, you should write more on this. The idea is amazing and comepletely disturbing at the same time.
And about the plot…. What if the shadow struck out at the girl or something? Attacked her mentally, maybe? Then, the shadow would gain control and the girl would have to copy HER for eternity. She might even lose her ability to talk, and the shadow would talk for her.
If you want to leave it, though, it's already amazing. I know it sounds like we're kind of mangling the story. It's your decision. What i like most is that the ending just leaves you wondering. It's creepy in a beautiful, melancholy way.
Keep calm and write on!
~CuriosityCat.
I love it, the creativity in this is amazing I could have never have thought of a idea this great in years
This is amazing and so so creative and it literally gave me a tingle on my back. Keep writing I want more!!!
Thanks!
I want MORE. You should write a novel based on this.
I'm glad you liked it! I've thought about continuing it, but I couldn't think of a good plot.
The shadow runs away and escapes and stuff. There's your plot.
And then it turns into a guy and breaks into a girl's house whose name is Wendy and-
Oh wait.
Someone did that already.
How do you talent.
Do you expect me to review this?
I CAN'T REVIEW THIS.
IT'S TOO GOOD.
"the thing that everyone dismisses as pedestrian"
Look who's been paying attention to her SAT packets.
Good girl.
:nerd:
Very nice idea short story.
My thoughts review-like:
Perhaps you can make your sentences flow more so that the reader understands it better. Additionally, I suggest you come out stronger with the introduction, clarifying what's going on in the short story. I enjoyed your writing style, it's good, but I feel like the plot, though it is a short story, needs to be developed more. I get the general idea of what's happening but I'm slightly confused. It would help to be more clear when writing. It's a good start, but despite it all, don't give up.
Thanks for reviewing! I'll try to clear that up in future pieces.
I love this idea! It is so different and creative. How did you ever think of this idea? well, it is amazing and I hope you write more like it.
~Maddie
Actually, it was based on a couple of prompts from my writing class. Thanks so much for the feedback!