The whole world turned upside down, and Joley’s sweaty auburn hair fell in her eyes. The mid-July heat had made the monkey bars so hot that they burned the inside of her calves. She hung there for a while, letting the blood rush to her head. It distracted her from the crushing humidity, at least for a little while. Eventually, she swung down, enjoying the dizzy feeling that came from hanging upside down for longer than recommended. She figured that she had at least an hour before her parents stopped fighting and came to look for her. She remembered when she and Eloise used to play Defenders of the Playground, arming themselves with sticks and marching around the swing set. She wished Eloise was here now. She trudged over to the slide. Her favorite bright pink t-shirt, now washed to a faded watermelon, was nearly soaked though from perspiration. She sat for a while on the slide, not quite knowing what to do with herself. This had always been her sanctuary when she was little, but as she got older it had started to lose its appeal. Suddenly, a group of noisy first graders and their parents came in through the parking lot entrance. Darn, thought Joley. Now she would have to leave. She didn’t suspect the moms would like having a gloomy twelve year old hanging around their kids on a playground clearly labeled ten and under. She unobtrusively slipped off the slide and out the gate. She had no idea where to go now. Last year, she would have gone to Eloise’s house, but Eloise had moved away when school ended. Joley sighed. She would just have to go home now.
Joley slipped quietly in through the side door. Surprisingly, she could hear no yelling. Curious, she entered the kitchen. There was no on there. She checked the living room. No one there either. She felt a peculiar sense of foreboding. Finally, she checked her parent’s bedroom, where they did most of their fighting. What she found was not her mother, or her father. The only trace of life in the whole room was a pulsing blue light coming from her mom’s lamp. What the heck? She thought. Her mom never put blue lights in her lamp, and she couldn't seem to find the outline of the bulb. She reached out a tentative finger and touched it. The world swirled around her, and she instinctively closed her eyes. When she opened them, she was no longer in her parent’s bedroom.
The first thing she saw was the steam. It was all around her, obstructing her view of anything. After a few minutes of trying to peer through it in vain, she looked down at her feet. She was standing in a cluster of uneven, flat-topped rocks shaped like hexagons. She took a step and almost fell to her death. The stones ended where she put her foot. She peered over the edge. She could see a little ways down, but not all the way to the ground. Great, she thought. Just where I wanted to be on my Saturday afternoon. Suddenly, she heard a sort of excited buzzing, like faraway voices. A minuscule dark shape was visible through the mist. It seemed to be trying to talk to her, but she couldn't make out what it was saying. Suddenly, it disappeared. A few minutes later it returned with another figure. They pointed and waved for a bit, and then started to push something up towards her. When it reached her, she identified it as some sort of giant megaphone. Suddenly, the megaphone spoke. Well, it wasn't really speaking. She guessed it was one of the figures below.
“Welcome, savior!” it said. “The gods have chosen you to be our deliverer from darkness into light. You shall…”
“Where am I?” she interrupted. The voice continued.
“If you are truly the savior, the gods will soften your fall and deliver you safely to the ground.” It was then that she realized that the megaphone was only one way and that they could not hear her. She stated listening again.
“After you jump, our civilization will welcome you with open arms. May the gods be with you.” What?!? thought Joley. It seemed like they were expecting her to jump down!
“Excuse me?” she called down to the figures. “I can’t jump from here! I’ll die!” They didn't react. She shook the mega phone. To her dismay, it started descending back down the cliff face. She sighed. Maybe if she stayed up there long enough they would come up and get her. Where was she, anyway? She didn't suppose she was in Milltown anymore.
A few hours later, when no one had come up or even attempted to make contact with her, Joley made up her mind. She had to jump. Maybe there would be a safety net. Maybe someone would catch her. She sighed again. She was going to die. She took a deep breath, closed her eyes , and leaped.
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139,527 Literary Works • 672,599 Reviews
I have to admit Bella, this is AMAZING!
I just love your descriptive tones and your well-crafted plot and I already feel for Joley as a character and UGH! You have such a voice, C.
I see one grammatical error, in the last sentence, "closed her eyes , and leaped." There are a few things I'm a bit unsure about.
First of all, I like that you mention "Eloise" as a friend, but I wish that you didn't give away an important part of her past this early in the story. I hope to learn more about her as the story progresses, why she moved, where, what she was like, and I'd love to meet her in the course of the story!
I'm also confused with her statement, "Great, she thought. Just where I wanted to be on my Saturday afternoon." Isn't she scared, confused, disturbed, even, at where she's just ended up after seeing a BLUE GLOWING LIGHT in her parents' bedroom? It seemed a little fake, but I could live with it if you decide not to change it.
Overall, I CANNOT WAIT until you write more. I think you have an original tone and the talent to do something with it.
See you soon,
Alex!
Evening Bella
I think there's a great amount of potential here! I'm already interested in your protagonist and how she'll react to more strange things that are thrown at her.
I agree with the few reviewers below me when they have suggested breaking your writing up into paragraphs. I need to take it all in in chunks so I can feel I am understand everything. Does that make sense?
Overall, I think this is a great start. I am curious as to what will happen next and I am looking forward to reading it!
Good luck! And feel free to take a peek at any of my work when you have the time
Thanksss
Thanks for the advice. Are you on team Fire Flower as well? If so, keep up the good work!
Hey Bellator, Sparkle here to review!
Firstly, great imagery in the first part when she is in the playground. Good vocabulary usage (trudged, tentative, ect.). I agree with most of what StellaThomas said. Paragraphs are very important to making a piece run smoothly and effectively. They give a reader a chance to take a break and reflect on what they just read instead of charging along into the storyline.
Also, emotions help a reader connect with a character. A story is so much more interesting is you can identify with the characters and their emotions, desires, ect.
Another thing I wonder is why her parents fight. Does it have anything to do with her? Also, why did her friend move away, and how did that make her feel? It also seems a bit unrealistic that this character has nothing good in her life. Maybe you'll expand on that later in the story, but I think I would be more interested in Joley and her story if she had something good tying her to the world. Try to use more emotion!
This is a good start, very interesting! I can't wait to read more!
Good job, keep writing!
I enjoyed this piece. Good beginning, it grabbed my attention immediately.
It could have been organized better--separate thoughts from narrating. Also, there were some words that weren't spaced out. "Theydidn'treact." instead of "They didn't react."
I would have liked some more...emotions? It was written well, but I didn't quite "feel" what the character was feeling. Towards the end, Joley only sighed before she jumped even though she knew she was going to die. I would expect someone to start crying, sweating, screaming....
Good cliffhanger!
Overall, it was very well written, and I'd definitely want to read more. Just fix the threewordsthing, separate thoughts, and add some more emotion for the reader.
Keep on writing!
Dragonrider
Sorry about the no spaces thing. There were some problems with the transfer. Thank you for reviewing! I'll definitely work on your other suggestions in further pieces.
Hi there! Hahaha I loved bit where she didn't think she was in Milltown anymore, so reminiscent of The Wizard of Oz!
However the first thing that struck me about this is PARAGRAPHS. You start with loads of massive blocks of text that just aren't appealing to the eyes, especially not at the beginning of a story. You need to split those up!
I was also a little bit worried that we didn't really get enough of a feel for her real world life from those precious few paragraphs, or for Joley herself- what age is she, even? These transportation stories are all well and good but if we don't understand what the character is leaving behind then it can sometimes feel difficult to have much sympathy for them. This is pretty short, I wouldn't worry about expanding it, because you have loads of room to! What you have here is nicely written, and I bet you could do a smashing job at lengthening it and using that extra length to indulge us with some nice development- particularly of the main character.
When she appeared in the other world, I would have liked some more description at the beginning of two things: a) her surroundings and b) her reactions. Come on! How does she feel at all of this happening? Pretty astounded I'd say! But I don't get that feeling from her- she just seems quite indifferent. I liked the fact she jumped though, it was a fun move and a strong character decision as well!
So overall this is nice, but I think some expansion would be really cool!
Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella x
Hi there!
This is a good start, I liked your first paragraph describing her hanging on the monkey bars, and reluctant to leave the park.
"She trudged over to the slide.Her favorite bright pink t-shirt, now washed to a faded watermelon, was nearly soaked though from perspiration." Loved it, wonderful imagery!
One thing I'd recommend is to have Joley react more, like when she was transported, or when she was told she'd have to jump. Also maybe you could build it up more when she decides to jump, have her wringing her hands together and looking nervous while she wonders if she'll survive the fall.
Other than that it was great, and I look forward to reading more!
Hello Bella! It's me! I made an account! (I think you can figure out who I am)
HI
Oh, by the way, this is only chapter one. I forgot to put that in the title.