Cessair reclined in his jail cell. He had generously allowed the Greene County Police Force to capture him once again. He had been here so many times that he had his own personal cell. He even send the warden, Stephen, a holiday card every year. I don't get why people think jail's so horrible, he thought. The food is free, even if it is awful. Plus, all the people are so amusing. Besides, he could leave whenever he wanted. When you're a criminal, walking through walls is quite a useful skill to have.
When he grew bored of being confined, he closed his eyes and slipped through the wall. It was a good thing the police hadn’t caught on to his weakness yet. They were still mystified every time he escaped, blissfully oblivious to the fact that they could confine him if they only made the walls a foot thicker. He slowly sauntered out of the building and called a taxi. After exchanging pleasantries with the driver, Ernesto, Cessair was dropped off at his estate. He entered his bedroom and changed out of his tattered evening suit. After looking at it for a minute, he sighed and tossed in his charity box. He had to stop ruining all of his evening wear; Goodwill was getting quite confused about the number of tattered suits they had received recently. Ideas raced through his head as he pondered his next move. Maybe I’ll raid the headquarters tomorrow… he thought as he drifted off to sleep.
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141,738 Literary Works • 675,647 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay, well that's not a tone that you run into everyday with someone that's just found themselves in prison, it looks like there's a lot more going on here than what meets the eye and it makes for a very intriguing beginning here...there's definitely a lot of questions that immediately come up in this paragraph itself and as a first paragraph, this just works really well here to be starting a story off on. You've got a pretty interesting character and a rather mysterious connection between said character and the police here that really makes you want to find out more about what's going on.
Well, that took a turn I wasn't expecting it to, but I definitely do love that turn....I was never expecting the whole going through walls thing to actually be something of a superpower and a real thing there, but well, it definitely complicates things a lot more here..we've got an interesting little storyline there...cause now we've got to also try and figure out if this person is actually guilty of some sort of crime or if there's more to this than meets the eye here. The whole headquarters thing definitely seems to suggest the latter there at least to me. Well, at any rate, this was a really intriguing piece here. It seems like the sort of story that I would indeed follow here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
I like the "glad to be home" thing about Cessair's jail cell, although it makes it a little confusing when he actually goes to his actual house. I'm curious about his "weakness" and also his ability to make himself nonexistent, so that's enough to make me want to read more (when you post more).
Otherwise I don't have much more to go off of right now. I think that's mostly because this is so short. So far I'm getting kind of a Bruce Wayne vibe from Cessair, except that Bruce Wayne probably doesn't really spend the night in jail normally--although I could see Cessair being a rich guy (charity functions or fundraisers or whatever the mention was about the tattered suits) who also lives a secret life of crime and ends up in jail where they don't know that he is also a rich guy...or something. I love his nonchalance about being in jail, although at this point I'd like to know how they caught him and, more, what he did to have them come after him (again). (Or did they just arrest him because he escaped again?)
So I'm definitely interested and I'd like to see more. I would say we need more from this, information-wise, but there's so little to begin with that I'm not going to say that until I see a bigger chunk.
Blue
Now I know I already talked about this in writing class (and I know it's only two paragraphs for me to review), but I thought I'd do a proper review because you want reviews
"glad to be home" Later in this part, you say he goes back to his real house, so it' not his home, you should take that out.
"The food is free, and it isn’t half bad" I thought jail food was supposed to suck. You should go into detail about the food later in the book.
"he closed his eyes and made himself nonexistent" Huh? Like literally or metaphorically? That's a little confusing.
"He had to stop ruining all of his evening wear; Goodwill was getting quite confused about the number of tattered suits they had received recently." I just love this.
So aside from that, I think you're off to a great start. You have a really nice voice -- even in third person. From what you've said about the plot so far, I can't wait for you to finish this!
Alex out!
Thanks! I'll try to fix those things you mentioned.
K
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