The minute-hand finally made it's way full circle around the clock. 6:00 AM, it read. The hours of darkness had finally come to an end. The demonic prowess that had tortured and marred the minds of the Vanderbilt family had seemed to retreat back into the night. It was banished. Exiled.
Gone.
Hallelujah's and prayers were ringing in the minds of all of the Vanderbilt's. There was one thing that has never been discussed, however. A small detail that they had never been taught. Just because nightmares mostly occur in the darkness, doesn't mean one can't continue into the light. Just because most spine-chilling stories start with "It was a dark and stormy night" doesn't mean that a hair-raising situation will stop at a clock's chime of morning.
And just as suddenly as the night of terrors began and allegedly ended, the evil being that had tormented them physically and mentally had returned. The things that happened that night will not be spoken of, for they were too disastrous and demented to explain. Just know this; gore covered the walls from the gruesome murders of the entire Vanderbilt family tree. Bodies were strewn about the house, most not even resembling a human being from being beaten and bruised by their tormentor.
Take my story and remembrance of the Vanderbilt's as this;
Do not trust the light because it shows the whole picture.
Sometimes the whole picture is scarier than being in the dark and not being able to envision every small detail.
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125,011 Literary Works • 672,841 Reviews
Holy smokes!
The detail of the horrific murder of the Vanderbilt family is horrifying. Although I agree with reviewer MissGangamash, sometimes less is more. The impact of "Do not trust the light because it shows the whole picture." is stunted due to the final sentence. Added descriptors to a perfectly good finishing moral takes away from the suspenseful factor.
The idea that light does not hide the horrors of the night but rather inclines that horror is fantastic.
The way this is written is great but, personally, I would have found it more suspenseful if you let a little go to imagination. The description is great, don't get me wrong, but it did not leaving me pondering. Maybe, instead of explaining the tormentor, you could leave that bit for others to concur? Merely just a thought...
Very creepy little tale. I like the message at the end, but I think it works better with just 'Do not trust the light because it shows the whole picture', the added sentence feels too much like over-explaining. Trust your writing
This is a cool story. It is interesting, scary and powerful.
Hi, BellaLandriev! Cool story, I like the way you've written this. It's ominous, and chilling. You've left the details vague, which definitely succeeds in adding to the creepy factor. You could make the scene scarier by honing your description of the gore covering the walls - bloody handprints on white walls, splayed corpses, the smell of rotting bodies in the morning. The good stuff. A little more depth, but without spoiling the mystery of just how disastrous and demented it really was. Tease the reader. Also, with that bit, maybe change "just know this;" to have a colon instead if a semicolon. And possibly abbreviate that last sentence, to make it more emphatic. All in all, great story.
Jacob
I never was a big fan of fantasy but I like this story. So you've definitely done a good job.
I like the main theme of the story. It is widely considered that darkness of the night is what powers evil forces, whereas light makes them all disappear. You questioned that idea and made the point that dark forces can exist even when there is light. The theme was definitely new, creative and engaging.
What I'd like to see is more detail. Who are these Vanderbilt people? What is that evil Being that haunts them? And why does it do so? Do they have some kind of history?
Bring more details, and the story will be more interesting. And it was still a good read for me.
KEEP WRITING.
Haunting, Beautiful and powerful. Darkness is often so associated with death, doom and despair to the point it has also become a ready cliche. You do have a way with words and descriptions that chill the reader. Truly, the whole picture and the bare truth is uglier and terrifying than a mystical lie, shrouded in darkness. Do continue to write and enchant us with your works
Hi there! Thanks for sharing this short story narrated in the first person singular, about a family which undergoes supernatural harassment at night, thinks it has escaped at the break of day, only to realize that their impression of having escaped was false.
It is a story which speaks in generalities and leaves the details to the reader’s imagination. The family itself is not described apart from being human beings, so the reader must find or feel empathy for them based on that alone.
Unless of course they are identified with this very wealthy American family. Then perhaps the creatures and their anger might be representative of some individuals in the Vanderbilt past which needs to be researched in order to establish some hypothetical link.
https://www.britannica.com/topic/Vanderbilt-family.
How many people are involved?
It seems as if it is an introduction to a short story and that in order to find these things out, the story must be read full. In short, I am left with a sense of lack of closure and wanting to know these things
The creatures are expected to be feared for their excessive violence.
Why this particular family is a target or whether they deserve it or not, is not revealed.
So as a reader I am left wondering about who are these people and why are they targeted in that way? Do they deserve it? When is all this taking place and where?
.
Suggestion:
The prowess was banned? Prowess means ability. So literally, The demonic ability was banned? That needs attention for the sake of clarity.
The Vanderbilts survive were murdered in the previous night but yet surviver til morning? That contradiction need to be eliminated.
The point of the story is to leave holes and thinking as it leaves a sense of uneasiness and unknowing. You don%u2019t know who the family or what their business is, you just that they are in trouble. This story has no literal plot. Just a short, fictional story with a lesson.