Everything I do
Everything I say
Never seems to be enough
To keep your mind at bay.
Why must you expect more from me,
than what I have to offer you?
Why is it that, you, my mother,
cannot be one of the few:
that excepts me for me,
that I can talk to,
that loves me unconditionally,
that I can laugh with?
But I'm always too weird,
I can't do anything right,
What is wrong with me,
that hides me from your sight?
*This is all I have. Feel free to comment; this was just written by the way, it's been a hectic evening.*
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Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
OK, since I'm a firm believer in getting the bad out of the way first, here goes.
The main problem with this is flow: it was all kinds of wrong. A poem, in my opinion, should be either free-flowing (long, graceful lines, with little punctuation), or short and choppy. This was neither, and both, which makes it hard to read.
There's simply too many words and sylables in that, and not enough structure.
Second (and last) problem: imagination. The poem feels a bit boring, unfortunately. I don't mean you need to put epic imagery into it or anything like that, but some more creative words would have been nice.
And the good things (which I'm keeping minimal, coz I always do): the idea is very good, depressing in a positive way. Also, this is lyric poetry so getting across feelings is very important, and this was done very well. Its written in a frustrated, yet almost sympathtic way, which I like.
Good work.
good...just remember that whenever you have puncuation, there is a pause (though the length of that pause depends on what the author wants). You have a lot of talent with lyric poetry...you should write it more often.
-faded
No problem. I am the Grammar Nazi.
And, I forgot to say it, but I really like the first stanza. It sounds good in my head (which is a very strange place).
And your poem really speaks to me, my mom...whatever. I'm rambling and complaining, I'll shut up now.
ok...thanks. yeah, definitely a lot of frustration in there. And, as a small side not, I hate grammar. It all looked good to me when I wrote it. Thanks again.
First of all, you've got some major grammar issues.
When talking about people, use "who," not "that."
And that should say "accepts," not "excepts."
accept:
except:
(dictionary.com)
So. that stanza should be:
who accepts me for me,
who I can talk to,
who loves me unconditionally,
who I can laugh with?
I like the idea, there's obviously a lot of frustration in there.
"hides me from your sight" doesn't seem right there, you're talking about why your mom isn't happy with the way you are, not why she doesn't notice you. If you want to talk about being unnoticed, do so, but start a new stanza, and write a whole stanza, not just one missplaced line.