Published December 3, 2011
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140,373 Literary Works • 673,125 Reviews
I don't know, this poem is nice but it is lacking a certain uniqueness that I'm usually picky about finding in poetry. My problem is (and I've said this in reviews a hundred times before) that I've heard this same sort of poetry a thousand times. I liked the deeper concept of this, but I feel a little bit like you should've just found a different direction to really make it your own. That being said, though, the imagery is decent and there are a couple of clever lines here. And really, this is a nice poem.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver
Hey Birdy! Dogs here with your review! Firstly i would like to say i really enjoyed this poem! it has great feel to it and strong emotion, i like how you formatted the poem, typically i don't like that style of writing but you did it so well it stood out at me and it sounded really good. I really enjoy how you've layered your character, she is strong and assertive while at the same time, like rose said, lonely and confused. Those emotions can often combat each other but you managed to tie it all together in her perfectly so it doesn't sound forced or awkward.
My only minor suggestion i have is to increase your vocab variety a little bit. You a lot of simple words. I am guilty of this too and to fix that i take these simple words and i look them up in a Thesaurus and then choose a better, more enticing synonym for those simple words and it sounds sooooo much better. I think you really need to do that in this kind of style of poem, it would make it 10 times stronger!
Well i really enjoyed this piece keep up the good work!
TuckEr EllsworTh
Hello again, Belarus! Rose here!
First off, I like the feeling of this poem. Your character seems confused, lonely, and resentful, but I still get a feeling of strength from her. However, I feel like there a few flaws in here. I'll point them out for you. If you don't agree, feel free to keep this poem as is, because, at the end of the day, your opinion is the one that matters most.
I love the first line. I get a lot of emotion from it, and I understand that your character's hiding something, something that I want to know.
The second line is, frankly, creepy and I love it! I almost feel like one of the creepy little kids from horror movies would say it. It's innocent but malevolent. Moving on into the third line, I'm disappointed. You lost the sense of calm creepiness you captured in the first two lines. I would suggest either omitting the line from the poem or replacing it with something that would carry on with the feeling you established earlier.
I'm not a huge fan of this part. It just seems flat compared to the awesomeness of the first two lines, and I'm not quite sure what it means. Maybe if you added some punctuation, I'd be able to understand it. Since I'm not quite sure where the sentences begin and end, I'm not sure how to punctuate this.
I love this. I do disagree with you about the wind being hated, because I'm absolutely in love with the wind (it's been a huge inspiration for me in both art and writing), but I get your point.
Very nice ending! I'm not sure whether the 'but remember' is necessary; in fact, I might omit it from the poem. However, if you like it, let it stay. I won't object.
Great work! Always keep writing!
-Rose