To my Beloved

Kafka here, as requested.

I was going to do an overall review on this, but I noticed some nitpicks others hadn't mentioned that I thought might be worth pointing out. So. Depending on how many I end up finding, I may or may not include an umbrella critique at the end.

BehindtheMask wrote:To my Beloved, Perhaps it would be best to omit the "to." Unneeded prepositions tend to do little but clutter an idea, especially so early in a piece.

Remember the old days by the creek bed This first clause doesn't sit well with me. Nothing grammatical, of course, but simply its flow, which sounds to me somewhat halted, is off: the two consecutive monosyllabic adjective-noun pairs are at the heart of the problem, it seems. Play around with this a bit. , when we would splash in the water and slosh through the mud Again. All I'm hearing are jilted, unnatural phrases that the reader can only guess are supposed to spur a sense of nostalgia. , desperately Erm, "desperately?" Why would you be "desperate?" looking for toads and salamanders Doesn't exactly support the lovey-dovey atmosphere that one would think be imperative for a love letter. ? I do Meh. Cliched. . And then there was that one time when my mom had me dressed up for Easter, and you coaxed me into a game of hide-and-seek with those charming eyes of yours. I had dirt all down the front of my dress. When you started? Or when you ended? Do you remember? My mother looked like she wanted to murder us. Unnecessary. The reader doesn't need to know this. But it didn’t matter much to me: after all, I despised that dress.
I'd really cut down on this paragraph. Though it helps establish a feeling of gradually developed love, all of the presented ideas are completely irrelevant to the actual story. Also, a lot of its emotion is mitigated by how manifold the images you flash at me are.

Then there was my thirteenth birthday. You came knocking at my door first thing in the morning with a bouquet of roses and a wide smile on your face Wouldn't he be more embarrassed than happy? As a thirteen-year-old boy, I know I would be. This is the first instance where romance is put into play in their relationship, and being the one to instigate it would be nerve-wracking. . Now I think about then This is laughable. Seriously. "Now I think about then?" Sorry, but it doesn't get any more confusing than that. and laugh when I recall your bewildered expression when I kissed you on the cheek, but you tried to hide that you’d puckered your lips. That day holds a special place in my mind Erm, please lay off the third grade sentimentality. , simply because I knew I had you. Which is why writing this letter pains me so.

When you asked me to prom and I told you I needed to think about it, I lied. I knew the second you asked me what my answer would be Too early for this. The reader doesn't quite know at this point. . In a cruel way, I wanted you to think I might have said no. I suppose it’s just one of those uncontrollable, horrible traits in a person. But why? Why do you find including this so necessary? There is no purpose to it, as far as I can see. I would think that she, in her apparently unshakable love for the boy, would be simply euphoric about being asked to the prom by him, but this? She even admitted that it was cruel. And when I finally let you kiss me that night after "That night after" sounds odd. Try playing around with that phrase. - almost a decade of waiting- it was the most magical moment Please. No alliterations. of my life.

But my love, there’s more to our story than I’ve told you. Shortly after prom night, when I disappeared for three days- do you remember? I said to told you that I’d just been camping, on a trip with my family What about the narrator's family? You'd think they'd notice, too, if their daughter suddenly disappeared or skipped school for three days, no? . But there is something you and everyone else seemed to overlook You're killing the affection you established early on. Throw in some references to how much the narrator loves the boy here and there, just to keep the reader convinced. . The weekend I was gone was the same time weekend your brother, Maxwell, had gone missing. I came back to you, panicking, but I attempted to seemappear calm Can't picture this. Rework it so that I can. . Here Here? Do you mean now? Because obviously they're not going to be in the same place at the time this is read. , six months later, it is time for you to know the truth.

I murdered Maxwell.

Impossible, don’t you think? Yet incredibly believable. You slaughter this opening line so badly that cutting it out would be the best option in this case. He came to me on that Friday night, looking for consolation About...what? Don't leave me in the dark. . He’d Let's not switch between tenses. not told didn't tell me the reason, only that I was the only one he knew to come to His brother's girlfriend? I'm sorry, but this is completely unbelievable. It makes about zero sense. Redo this entirely, come up with a reason that actually works, or let this part of your story remain nothing but linguistic roadkill. . He begged me for comfort Not the right word. . And so. . .I gave it to him. Again, the word "comfort" makes this sound utterly strange. And I wouldn't say what they did could be described as "giving someone comfort."

The next morning when I awoke, realizing the entirety Most definitely not the right word. "Entirety" does not necessarily imply contrition. of my actions, I couldn’t live with the emotions swirling through me This doesn't work. Not sure "through" is quite what you want here. . I knew every time we’d be in the same room with him it Too many pronouns. As you probably know, pronuns won't do anyone any justice if they're not remotely close to a reference point. would only have uncomfortable silences and knowing glances Again, the wording of this alienates me. . And I knew eventually you’d realize the truth of what we’d done together.

I could not let him ruin what we had together- no, of course not! I’d finally had you all to myself Uh, you always did. Unless you're having a sudden spurt of paranoia and/or memory loss and conveniently/suddenly forgot the contents of the first paragraph. with no girls swooning all over you. Yet, ironically, it seems it was me you’d wanted all along. . .wasn’t it? This paragraph fails simply because of all the contradictions you're making. First you imply that you'd been with the boy for a long time - no issue there - but right after that the narrator says that she'd waited for some large, undefined amount of time to "have him all to herself." Right there, the incongruousness is distinctly apparent. But you don't stop there. You actually express some confusion at the end, regarding the relationship - which not only contradicts the purpose of this short paragraph, but also the entire piece. Problem? You bet.

Nevertheless, I’d loved you. And I knew deep down in the contours of my heart that once you knew the truth you could never forgive me for the deception I’d caused you She didn't cause the deception - she was the instigator of the deception, the puppeteer of the deception. Also, this sentence seems to drag on a bit too long. . I’d betrayed you! Yeah. We get that. After all those years of you being so kind to me, loving me, in spite of me being the disgusting monster I am. Again, clashes with the last paragraph...but I've already been over that.

So I eliminated the problem the only way I knew how. I had to kill Maxwell, otherwise he would have ruined me Seems like you're ruined anyway (I read ahead). . I’d forever be marked down as a revolting slut in every sense of the word imaginable. Um, I was under the impression that no one knew of that incident. Of course, they'd learn sooner or later, what with the pregnancy and all...but you also imply that they would know who she...did it...with, and this is, I assume, an incorrect assumption.
(space here)
Maxwell was a heavy sleeper. (Don't think the semicolon is necessary here.) It was simple to bash in his skull with one of my father’s work hammers. I acted quickly, not giving him enough time to utter a sound before his life came to a gruesome end. You don't really have to elaborate. He died. I think I get it.

Yet, as I recall my life and our life together, I do not have any regrets Erm, none? I find this difficult to believe. I'm willing to accept an overstatement, but this doesn't quite work for me. . Yes, Maxwell is dead, and once you know this "Once you know this" implies that the boy doesn't know this yet, which, as we both know, is not true; to the contrary, you've planted it quite well. it will be impossible for you to forgive me. Which is exactly why, my love, I would never ask for your forgivenessto a demon such as I. For a demon is what defines me.

No, I will not apologize This could be taken the wrong way. You probably took this into account, but you may want to be careful. . I will not accept any reconciliation. I do not deserve it.

Once you receive this letter, dear, I know you will hate me Instantly? No. This is where this statement is faulty: it's when he gets about halfway through that he'll begin to supposedly hate you. . I could never imagine a world without your arms wrapped around me; for our shadows merge as one when we’re together and it is nearly unmanageable Once again, this word is not suitable for this context. to tell it is two Huh? Wording is very strange here. Reworkage is clearly imperative. .

I can’t live in a world without you. I won’t live without you, not in a world where you loathe me. By the time you learn of receive this note It's more of a letter than a note. , I will be as gone as Maxwell is. I owe at least this to you.it is the only way I can think of to rid you of your pain.
(space here)
So, my love, accept my final goodbye.

Yours forever.

This was supergood! It was intruiging and interesting. I was shocked, I felt sorry for her, I was disgusted, I was thinking "awww" and I generally had a lot of reactions throughout this story, so well done!

Remember the old days by the creek bed,I would put a question mark here, to slow down the pace. when Drop "when" we would splash in the water and slosh through the mud, desperately looking for toads and salamanders?Change to a period. I do.Move this to right after "by the creek bed". And then Drop "and then", you haven't really described one particular time by the creek earlier, just a general "what we used to do", so then you don't need the "and then", because you're not adding. there was that one time when my mom had me dressed up for Easter, and you coaxed me into a game of hide-and-seek with those charming eyes of yours. I had dirt all down the front of my dress.Add: "by the end of the game" or something. Do you remember? My mother looked like she wanted to murder us. But it didn’t matter much to me, after all; I despised that dress. Here I would put the ";" after "much to me" and not use any marks between "after all" and "I despised"

Then there was my thirteenth birthday. You came knocking at my door first thing in the morning with a bouquet of roses and a wide smile on your face. Now I think about then and This sounded a little weird. Maybe "when I think about that day now, I" or something similar? laugh when I recall your bewildered expression when I kissed you on the cheek, Period here, it doesn't fit to continue straight away when she's remembering his expression. If you were to have a "but" it would have to concern something like "but I know you will always pretend as if you didn't pucker your lips. You change the tense. but Drop but. you tried to hide that you’d puckered your lips. That day holds a special place in my mind, simply because I knew I had you. Which is why writing this letter pains me so.

When you asked me to prom and I told you I needed to think about it, I lied. Love this! I knew the second you asked me what my answer would be. In a cruel way, I wanted you to think I might have said no. I suppose it’s just one of those uncontrollable, horrible traits in a person. And when I finally let you kiss me that night after- almost a decade of waiting- it was the most magical moment of my life. I would definately have the dash before "after", I know you had this at first and had a review that told you to change it, but I think it was way better with it being before "after". Now it seems weird, and I had to reread the sentence because I didn't catch the meaning. When you have to reread it kills the flow and the mood of the story, so you don't want that.

But my love, there’s more to our story than I’ve told you. Shortly after prom night, when I disappeared for three days, do you remember?Put "Do you remember" before "shortly after prom night" and then ":" after that. I said to told*you that I’d just been camping,Drop the comma. on a trip with my family. But there is There was*something you and everyone else seemed to overlook. The weekend I was gone was the same time your brother, Maxwell, had gone missing. I came back to you, panicking, but I attempted to seem calm. Here, Now* six months later, it is time for you to know the truth.

I murdered Maxwell.

Impossible, don’t you think? Yet incredibly believable. He came to me on drop "on" that Friday night, looking for consolation. He’d not told He didn't tell*me the reason, only that I was the only one he knew to come to. He begged me for comfort. And so. . .Drop the three dots, three dots are for leaving a sentence hanging, not continuing it.I gave it to him.

The next morning when I awoke, realizing I awoke and realized the entirety of my actions,Period here. I couldn’t live with the emotions swirling through me. I knew every time we’d be in the same room with him it would only have uncomfortable silences and knowing glances. Andglances: I knew* I knew eventually you’d realize the truth of what we’d done together.

I could not let him ruin what we had together- noDrop this. She would say no if she was arguing with someone, but she's not. There's no one telling her that "yeah, you should totally have let him ruin everything!", of course not! I’d finally hadgot* you all to myself Here I would put a period and then write "There had alway been girls..." Otherwise, "yet" sounds out of place in the next sentence. with no girls swooning all over you. Yet, ironically, it seems it was me you’d wanted all along. . . Drop the three dots. Just period.wasn’t it?

Nevertheless,Nevertheless? Nevertheless what? He never did anything to make it seem weird or unexpected that she would love him. Drop nevertheless. I’d loved you. And I knew deep in the contours of my heart that once you knew the truth you could never forgive me for the deception I’d caused you.Drop this. She didn't cause him a deception, she decepted him. She may have caused him sorrow, but she didn't make him deceive anyone. I’d betrayed you! After all those years of you being so kind to me, loving me, in spite of me being the disgusting monster I am. She wasn't a disgusting monster before Maxwell happened, at least not that we know of. So it hadn't been in spite of that for "all those years"

So I eliminated the problem the only way I knew how. I had to kill Maxwell, otherwise he would have ruined me. I’d forever be marked down as a revolting slut in every sense of the word imaginable.

Maxwell was a heavy sleeper; it was simple to bash in his skull with one of my father’s work hammers. I acted quickly, not giving him enough time to utter a sound before his life came to a gruesome end. I'm confused. Didn't Maxwell disappear? Didn't she hide the body or something? Did she just leave him in his bed and no one ever thought of looking for him there when he went missing? And why was she in his house? How did she get in?

Yet, as I recall my life and our life together, I do not have any regrets. Yes, Maxwell is dead, and once you know this it will be impossible for you to forgive me.Should there be a "but" somewhere? "Yet she has no regrets, because even though Maxwell is dead: ?????" I felt like I missed out on somethig here. Which is exactly why, my love, I would never ask for your forgiveness to a demon such as I. For a demon is what defines me. That demon thing was just weird. It didn't fit at all in my opinion. I would end it after foregiveness.

No, I will not apologize. I will not accept any reconciliation. I do not deserve it. This seems off. Wasn't she all "Maxwell was the bad guy, I had to save us"? I would have thought she had wanted his foregivness and to live happily ever after.

Once you receive this letter, dear, I know you will hate me.This on the other hand, is fine. She thinks he will hate her, which is not the same as almost wanting him to hate her. I could never imagine a world without your arms wrapped around me; for our shadows merge as one when we’re together and it is nearly unmanageable to tell it is two.

I can’t live in a world without you, I won’t live in a world where you loathe me. this is good, but I think it needs emphazising. To not be willing to live because of someone loathing you is not normal, so you need to explain why. Write something mushy like how he has always been the fundation of her life or whatever. By the time you learn of this note, I will be as gone as Maxwell is. I owe at least this to youPeriod here. it is the only way I can think of to rid you of your pain.

So, my love, accept my final goodbye.

Yours forever.

This was awesome. Congrats on that! I was immediately hooked to the story once I read the first sentence. Slight grammar mistake here and there but hey, no one's perfect! The writing style was amazing and flawless. It gave a good flow to the story and by reading the sentence structures and the words used, you really meant business with this story. Just the right amount of description too! I could picture the MC smashing Maxwell's head apart with the hammer. But just like what some reviewers before me had said, I don't think the reason you gave was enough for someone to be pushed into murdering somebody. Maybe you could add a scene when Maxwell threatened the MC to expose their affair or something like that. Something that will push anyone over the edge.

Overall, I loved the characters and the twisted love concept behind it. I rarely like romance stories but this was just fine. I enjoyed it and just like what Stephen King said: simple but fun, gets the job done. Keep on writing and lets see what kind of masterpieces you'll write!

Howdy there! I'm Walker, here to review this lovely piece of fiction!

Okay, so I'm going to slim this down to my general 'Nit-Picks' and my overall, if thats alright with you!

Nit-Picks:

You remember the old days by the creek bed, when we would splash in the water and slosh through the mud, desperately looking for toads and salamanders?

And then there was that one time when my mom had me dressed up for Easter, and you coaxed me into a game of hide-and-seek with those charming eyes of yours and I had dirt all down the front of my dress.

But it didn’t matter much to me, after all, I despised that dress.

And when I finally let you kiss me that night-after almost a decade of waiting- it was the most magical moment of my life.

But there is something you, everyone seemed to overlook.

I’d forever be marked down as a revolting slut- in every sense of the word imaginable

Maxwell was a heavy sleeper-it was simple to bash in his skull with one of my father’s work hammers.

Yet as I remember my life and our life together, I do not have any regrets.

Which is exactly why, my love, I would never ask for your forgiveness to a demon such as I.

I could never imagine a world without your arms wrapped around me- for our shadows merge as one when we’re together and it is nearly unmanageable to tell it is two.

I can’t live in a world without you, I won’t live in a world where you loathe me.

I owe at least this to you, it is the only way I can think of to rid you of your pain.

I cannot believe that a thirteen year old wrote this! Its deep and clearly just amazing. If I were to change anything, I'd change the main characters age a little. I don't know how that would change the story, but if you have older characters, it's usually taken more seriously. I'm not quite sure though. Ha ha =] But its definitely good and I'm puzzled at your age! It's beautiful.