Author's Note: Hey all! I completely changed this prologue around. I thought this little entry would be a better introduction. What do you think? Should I continue this?
Blue Skies
Prologue
Anna's Memo
One thing they never tell you is you will be in danger every moment of your life. Every second you hesitate is a second when you could have been killed. They cover the basics, complete your duty, kill the enemy, survive. Yet they always seem to mention just how difficult it is to actually survive. We live in fear of our kind, of those we battle against, and even ourselves.
The life of a shadow fiend is one that can be described in one word: caution. Caution is the main rule we live by as assassins. Survival is our key instinct, and without caution, survival does not exist in our world. We live and breathe in the shadows. An old belief we live by is that if we stick to the shadows, they will protect us. In shadow we are hidden, free to perform our duties carefully and precisely without the fear of death. Though there are times when even darkness cannot prevail.
We are an army. We follow orders and succeed to the best of our ability. Our lives, short-lived at times, can be filled with endless exhaustion and ache. Most of us are too afraid to find what the consequences of not following directions could be. And those who fail to follow orders are not able to tell their stories.
This is our tale. It is a complex and harsh one, and at times filled with sorrow. But if we succeed in freedom, if we unite with those we continue to kill, instead of raging war with every species on Earth, we will triumph. And those who dwell in shadow will find it is not the only comfort we can find.
I am Anna. I am a Shadow Fiend, trained to hunt and kill. I believe there is a world besides death and destruction. I know it’s out there. We just have to look.
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,738 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay...well, this is starting off with what appears to be a lovely description of the experience that is living a life as one of the people mentioned here. The whole idea of how they're training seems to revolve around killing and duty and what not gives off a very interesting vibe there about what could be going on here...and it certainly gets your attention with all the talk of how difficult it is to survive especially when it appears these folks are not exactly taught how to survive.
Well, that doesn't sound like the sort of job that has people lining up for it. It certainly makes you wonder why those who did sign up for it actually did so. That in itself is a neat little hook. Adding onto that we've got a beautiful little depiction of the world here, about how the shadows help them and allow them to do their jobs. Its a lovely little connection being created there and it sounds quite exciting.
Okay...so now it tees off a teensy bit and I suppose we get to see why the do this whole job despite the many many issues that seem to present there. This does make for a neat little uplifting message there to end on and I think it closes out this prologue quite nicely here. Overall, this is a pretty nicely done piece, I'm certainly interested enough at this point to want to continue reading here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Very good prologue, it's definetly worth continueing. I like how you portray the vampire, the wings are a very nice touch. One thing is that there isn't enough information before you jump into the fight. It's a bit too confusing. Are Shadow Fiends humans, or are they monsters as well? Other then a little more background information it's very well written. You handled the fight perfectly, fast paced but filled with action.
I look forward to reading the next installment.
Hey Mask! Stella here!
I. NITPICKS
I'd change the "is" to "was". It'll flow better.
Read this. You need it.
So... she wants to die?
So they can only use tips and not improvise? Again, I'm confused.
II. BEGINNINGS
Okay, in general I like this, but I'd question as to why it's got prologue status. Surely it's just an opening of a first chapter. As good an action scene as it is, if it's not relevant to the story then I'd ask why it's here. It's just a little, "Hey, look at me, I'm an action scene!" Which is fine, as an opening, if you introduce your world and your protagonist. But you don't introduce either of them particularly well. That'd be my main advice. Give us a name, an age, an appearance, a smidgeon of personality, give us a timezone and location. Show us where we are and who we're dealing with. Otherwise we're lost and the opening's a bit limp.
III. OVERALL
That said, what I saw of your world here and the Shadow Fiends seems really interesting and I'd definitely keep it up.
Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella x
Great start! Very unique.
I like the character. The tips are funny too!
Just a tip: I'm not saying that you are doing this, but just don't go by all the cliche things about the creature, like stakes, silver bullets, that kind of thing. It will help make it more original.
Things are descibed in detail, but maybe just work on how you present them.
You should defidently continue this!
Hey there Mask,
I'm Tanya, here for a review.
Okay, first off I thought this was an interesting beginning. You portray your MC as being hard, but there are instances where you just don't pull it off.
You say she just beat the crap out of a pack of werewolves, but she panicks when she's attacked by a lone Vampire? That just didn't make sense to me. Maybe her heart was thundering, maybe her heart was in her throat. Maybe her movements were slow and sluggish but I can't believe she just panicked.
That is something that could help you out here, working the five senses. I'd like to know what she can see. What is it, if it's dark, that she can see all of the vamp's movements? How wide is the alleyway? Is he scraping his wings of buildings? Is his screeching echoing off the walls?
What does the alley smell of? How is she feeling besides panicked? Once again, if she just defeated a pack of werewolves, she must feel something? Hurt? Sluggish? Tired? Exhausted? You allude to sleep, but no more than that.
Just a little background, just a little more description would make this piece great. I like the tips, also. Reminded me of the movie Zombieland: Have you seen it?
Overall, I think this has much potential, kudos to you for it.
It needs work but I'm certain you can pull it off. Keep writing!
Tanya