Hello, this is the first story I've posted, I need feedback as I'm not sure that this is as good as it could be. Also please tell me whether I Should continue with this story as I'm just experimenting at the moment. By the way I don't think that boys will like this story.
*dungu pissang- silly banana, Harry's words*
Chapter One
What do you call someone who falls in a pond?
A- a dungu pissang
Help! I am stuck in my room of shame and am never coming out. No-one can see after what has just happened, NO-ONE. I don't even care if I don't eat, I Can live about twenty years on my fat and only then will I be a perfect size 10. Oh poo, that means no-one will see me when I'm nice and thin. Well maybe the brand new slim , and old, Harriet Nicholson. Also so they definitely don't know who I am I will change my name to Emily, Emily Jones. Yes, that's it.
Me and David were on our second date together and as we both love the countryside we decided to go on a walk around gardens as there was an event where many residents open their gardens to the public to raise money for charity. I met David during a family holiday to Cornwall. My cousin and I had both been allowed to bring a friend but all my lucky friends were off globe trotting. I Was seriously dreading the trip as I was sure Mark would bring a dopey, immature stalker with him and without a friend I was certain I was doomed. Then my eyes met David's. At that point I was suddenly sure it would be a great holiday. He had dark creamy eyes of a deep hazel with soft, shiny hair gently flopping over them. I jerked back to reality. Number one, he's a friend of my cousin Mark, this inevitably means that although he has the perfect exterior he will be stupid and immature. Number two, if he does have a good personality he still won't want me as I am a stupid and ugly little girl. Amazingly he managed to pass both tests. Three cheers for me. However now he knows what I'm really like so he will never want to see me again. Oh bum I just realised that means he'll tell Mark. My life is officially over.
We were at the gardens and David looked better than ever which were perfect for the date. The said, I am artistic, love the outdoors and am very good looking. On the other hand my clothes said it took me ages to decide on this I hope he likes me. Luckily he didn't seem to care and was focusing on the gardens. It took me longer to take in their beauty as to start with the only beauty I could admire was David's. Then I looked around and I suddenly realised why David was so excited.Then David showed me another factor that makes him even more perfect. He knows Latin and therefore knows the name of every single plant in its official name. Now hes good looking, kind, caring, intelligent and the list gos on. At first I felt embarrassed that all I knew were fox gloves and rabbits ears which are their common names and then I realised I should just be happy I had an amazing boyfriend.
Then we arrived in what I thought was the best garden. It was a maze which led you through every inch with perfectly trimmed hedges. Then I came to a point which I thought had perfect scaring potential. David was just around the other side of the hedge admiring flowers. I came to the conclusion that if I moved forward on to the perfectly manicured bit of grass I could get into the perfect position. I moved forward considering my option and then suddenly the grass was a pond covered by Moss and the surprise was now on me. I scrabbled out in a frantic panic not being able to get over the shock.
At that point David appeared, I still could not think straight and just stood pointing at the pond and repeating"shoe" in a pathetic way. Luckily he understood and crouched at the edge and fished my now sodden pumps out of the water. He then handed me his fleece, took my hand and walked me home. He would not look at me, I suspect at the embarrassment of me. My top had now become see-through and was sticking, so was my skirt and I looked a state.
When we arrived at my house he explained to my mum what had happened whilst I had a shower to remove the pungent smell. Once I look ed a bit more decent, although it seemed useless I made my way downstairs. David then turned to me, politely said " Look after yourself, see you soon" and then walked out of the house. Those six words told me everything. He thought I was too immature and stupid for him but was too much of a gentleman to admit it straight out. I didn't care what he'd told Mum anymore. Goodbye Mr perfect. I will never find anyone like you again, my life is over now you have witnessed those events. I always wished I'd die in a Palace or Castle but sometimes you have no choice. . .
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi and welcome to YWS! Make sure that you read the rules. Please review two people's posts if you already haven't. Secondly this is my review on your post.
This is confusing. The said? Try and clear it up.
Good metaphore. I like this part.
There are a few gramatical errors. Please edit your work before posting it. That way it is easier and more enjoyable to read.
Try to show and not tell. I can't visualize the setting and charecters very well. I like how you stated David's personality. I think that this would make a great continues story. But I would work on it first. Fix the gramitcal errors and be more descriptive.