Hi again!
Oh, a POV switch… Let's see what we have here c:
I'm assuming "Kate" is this character's name, and will refer to them as a female, so please correct me if I'm wrong in either of those things!
Rule one: Don’t show your emotions to anyone.
Rule two: Don’t get attached to people outside your barracks—or inside it, for that matter. People die, and grief only hurts your performance.
Rule three: Show no mercy when the enemy approaches.
Okay, I can go with starting a chapter with a set of rules. Makes me think the character is some sort of a soldier in an organised group, and they've been following these rules their whole life. Which works.
What I'm a bit ehh about is the separation of the rules and the chapter. Are the rules the intro that will keep being repeated every time this character's chapter comes along? I assume the rules will connect to the story later on (as in, there will be some attachment happening, and probably some grief and loss as well), and I'll be looking forward to that. But for now, I lack a connection between the list of rules and the story itself. Have you thought of making a softer transition there?
I start to argue, but think better of it. Nothing ever HAPPENS in the Ruins. The King and his advisors abandoned the rebuilding efforts a long time ago in favor of gambling and corruption, and there’s not enough good shelter for any refugees to live there.
But my sergeant gave me an order, so I’d better go and check.
At first, this reads like the "Nothing ever happens…" is what she's thinking of to stop herself from starting an argument. But in the end it doesn't seem to be that: it seems like you tell us that she thinks better of it, and then proceed to tell us about the Ruins and why she'd be right to argue (because going there makes no sense). And then she goes anyway.
Again, just as in the first chapter, you have room to expand here. What does "think better of it" means? Would she get punished for disobeying, or is it just that she believes she'll be there and back quickly enough for arguing to not make sense? Do you see what I'm saying? I'd like to see her thoughts in this, rather than you telling me what she thinks.
The bit where she's thinking about what she'd tell the sergeant and what the sergeant would say is more voice-y. It gives me more of a sense of who the character is and what their personality might be like.
So I slowly and angrily begin to travel through the ruins
Show me this. Show me the way she thumps around, or drags her feet, or kicks a rock, suppresses annoyed sighs, whatever.
“I’ve seen you on the news reports. You’re next in line to be King!”” I scowl at him and continue, “I hope I’m the one to execute you. You’re a bad person from an evil family.”
This feels like a bit of an overkill. I don't feel like it's realistic that she'd just blurt that out like this, especially with the first rule being to not show emotions to anyone. She hates him, and is obviously passionate about hating the King and his family: that's emotion right there. And if she wants to kill him, why doesn't she just do it? No one else is there. The sergeant will never know. If she believes that he should die, and from the looks of it she seems to believe that he will, it's just the matter of who does the job, why care to follow protocol or whatever?
These are the things that characterisation matters for. She could be thinking about whatever she hates the King for while she's searching the ruins. You could have her remark on the state of things, or see the palace in the distance and grumble about it to herself. Give us something that makes us, the readers, believe that she hates them and considers them an evil family, and wants them dead. And then you leave it unsaid when she encounters the King's son.
My whole team comes about ten minutes later.
A whole team also feels a bit too much for one prisoner, especially if she didn't sound distressed. Did she even need backup, really? She refers to him as "kid", she's trained and he, as we know and as she's probably able to tell, knows nothing about fighting. She could've probably just lead him back with a gun to his back without calling for anyone else.
Actually, I think you could more effectively end this chapter with her just reporting that she's got a prisoner. Maybe tweak the sentence before to remove the word "backup" (because that too is telling, and it's unnecessary since it's clear enough from the call), and then wrap it up with the punch of "I've got a prisoner." It has a stronger ring to it than your ending right now, and certainly makes us want to see what happens next.
So far, I think you might have an interesting story on your hands, with a lot to explore. I'd like to see more voice and insight to the characters in the next chapters, especially as the two interact. It's crucial in writing in general, and especially so when you have two (or more) first-person POVs. And don't rush it! You have room to show us more details, so feel free to take your time.
I'll be looking forward to the next chapter~
-CoN
I am so exited to read more of your work, you seem to be a pretty good writer, better then me hahaha, so keep on writing, you are great at it! sorry if this review was not to long and did not cover too much but I will be gone for a while and just wanted to tell you how awesome thing was
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