Chapter 1: Aren
The day dawned clear and lucid on Arenstat. Calls of the iridescent Tiriki birds flooded the morning air, interspersed with shrieks signaling the arrival of the Bror cats. It was survial of the fittest. Down below the tallest mountain with its craggy spires and livid red stones, a jungle flurried with the restlessness of life. The purples and greens of the trees glowed brighter in the light from the first sun, and once the second sun left the sky, they would continue to glow for hours, a faint shine to light the way for its occupants. It was a pulsing light that seemed to exist only on this world and in the minds of the insane—neon colors of wonder.
Watching this daily fight for survival, the girl stood resolute upon a cliff. Darkest of forest green hair framed a face that was the pride of her people—at least the ones who would admit she was of nobility—and she had it turned to catch the quickening light of day. Her eyes were a different green entirely, an almost electric color that was very common among the Angelic race, and seemed to glow with life if she concentrated on something as she was at that moment. She had a straight, almost pert nose and the lips below were turned down in the semblance of a frown. Palest of skin topped off her person, and it seemed to glow with its own inner icy light. Everything on Arenstat shone in some way or other.
The girl took one last look at the rising sun and jungle below her and then she jumped. Brown wings that glittered with tiny diamonds snapped out of hiding on her back and caught the thick air to propel her through the sky. The feathers rustled as her wings beat strongly and the girl stretched her arms out as far as she could as if she were trying to hug the wilderness as it spread out and unraveled before her.
A whoop of excitement escaped from her lips unwitting, and it startled a flock of Tiriki birds that took off and flew with her for a while. The draft from her wings seemed to fascinate the birds almost as much as the lights dancing along her feathered appendages, and they appeared to dance and chase after it until she left them behind in a burst of speed.
She arrived home—if home is what it could be called—almost too soon for her tastes and slipped her way back into her chambers. Her movements were smooth and silent so as not to alert her servants. To her knowledge, no other member of the household was awake. She was startled then to find the looming shape of her Guardian standing in her foyer. His golden face was stern and she knew without being told that she was in for a talking-to.
“I should have guessed you would notice my absence, but before you say anything,” she began, “I just want to say that I didn’t go too far.” She crossed her fingers behind her back.
The giant Angel shook his head and replied, “You should know by now, Milady Arenstatia, that you cannot be allowed to wander off on your own. There are too many—“
“Dangers,” she finished with a small sigh. “Yes, I am aware by now that you think I’m in danger, Gyre, but as you can see, I’m perfectly alright. Nothing amiss with my person. Not even a feather out of place.” Her wings she lifted slightly from their tucked in position, the small rustle of feathers comforted her as it always did. Her wings were her only vanity.
Gyre sighed. He was used to Lady Aren’s antics, and often wondered just why he bothered guarding her when she so obviously was beloved by the majority of the other Angels.
“I see you managed to come back in one piece today, but other times…”
“Jumping Bror cats, Gyre! That was an accident and you know it!” Aren exclaimed as she thought back on the time she had been attacked by a flock of Tiriki birds and come home covered in shiny blue dung and had her feathers rearranged by their talons. She hadn’t known she was too close to their nests. They were just too touchy is all.
The big golden Angel stifled a chuckle as he watched her indignation at having been defeated by the lowest class of species on Arenstat.
“Be that as it may, Milady—“
“Aren,” she corrected. Her tiny nostrils flared minutely, and then returned to normal.
“Milady Aren,” he said just as firmly, “it reflects badly upon me if I cannot keep you safe from the tiny fowl of the air.”
Aren sighed. She had been trying for two long seasons to get Gyre to call her by her chosen name, but he still insisted on that Milady nonsense. It was all her parents’ fault. That and her cousin the Queen’s foolishness.
“Gyre, please, you must call me Aren. I insist.” She almost found herself pleading, and she didn’t really know why it was so important to her that he call her by her actual name. It just was.
Gyre frowned. “That is against protocol, you know that.”
“To Earth with protocol, Gyre! Do you think I care what those Angels at the capital think? Shall I tell you my decision?” she asked, changing topic erratically. Her electric green eyes were alight as she settled herself into a chair in the foyer and motioned for her bodyguard to sit as well.
He followed her unspoken command, sitting warily as he took in the excitement edging from her body.
“I fear you’ll tell me whether I say I wish to hear or not,” he muttered with a contained sigh.
She fastened her glowing eyes on Gyre’s golden ones and said, “I’m going to Earth.”
“You cannot go to Earth,” Gyre admonished Aren for about the fiftieth time that sun cycle. She was busy packing the necessary things she thought might be needed on the world of Earth. She didn’t quite know what to expect, since her only ideas about the planet and its inhabitants came from time at the University and gossip.
An ornamented vest with her family crest depicting the outline of two wings curved around an arrow was removed, then replaced, then removed again. In its place Aren stuck a book she had been given by her grandfather. She tucked it carefully between two soft-as-down everyday tunics.
She was inclined to believe it would be like an adventure. Life on the Angel’s home world had become too tame, but she wasn’t of the mind to be stuck on a star cruiser with her parents. Aren had a feeling that whatever the Queen had in store for her couldn’t possibly be as exciting as an expedition to a primitive planet would be.
Besides, she had others on Earth there for the same reason. And she was going to be safe. Gyre would be there.
“I can’t come with you,” Gyre said softly.
Aren stopped her packing and turned to face him, a confused look on her face. “Whatever do you mean, you can’t come with me? You are my Guardian, aren’t you?”
Once a Guardian was assigned, the Angel was not allowed to desert his post for the remainder of his life. Aren knew this, and was shocked to hear him announce he was staying. It was unheard of and left Aren with a horrible feeling in her heart.
Gyre shook his head. “I’m a member of the Royal Squad. You know I cannot leave the planet unless the Queen permits it.”
Aren scowled and she understood. “And she won’t allow it, especially since I’m the one you would be attending. She had to let you protect me here where others were watching her, but on Earth…”
Gyre frowned. “That is not the reason she—“
“Don’t patronize me, Gyre. I’m not an idiot. I can see as well as hear, and I know she does not look favorably upon my branch of the family tree. Who can blame her? My grandfather wanted to start a war with the—“
“It is forbidden to speak of that time,” Gyre reminded hurriedly. His dark amber eyes widened and flitted around him trying to see into the shadows that might be hiding listening ears. The punishment for mentioning the Great Rebellion was something worse than death. He was rightly afraid.
Aren flapped her hand dismissively. “There’s no one to hear, but I’ll stop. I don’t want you to get your wings clipped, or have mine done for that matter.” She shuddered once and grew serious at that thought. “I’m going to miss you, Gyre. Earth won’t feel as safe as I had anticipated without you to watch my wings.”
He smiled at her compliment, though still uneasy about their earlier topic. It wasn’t often that she showed such emotion or favoritism.
“It has been my honor,” he said with a small bow of his dark blond head.
Aren returned with a small smile to her packing, and tried to edge out the growing feeling of unease in her stomach. She hoped she was making the right choice, but really, what other choice did she have? She didn’t feel at home anywhere, so why should Earth be any different? At least it would be away from the more powerful reminders of her past.
“Maybe I can find some peace at last,” she thought as she watched Gyre leave to return to his duties for perhaps the last time as her Guardian. “Is that too much to ask?”
End of chapter
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140,212 Literary Works • 673,042 Reviews
Hey Wolfie! Celtic here!
Green= Corrections and suggestions.
Blue= I like.
Red= incorrect or doesn't make sense.
I love the dialogue in this piece, and the descriptions were rich. As far as improvement goes, see nitpicks below. There aren't many because you have some great writing here.
I would emit the fact that their world is called Arenstat in this chapter, simply because we're already being introduced to so much already.
I believe you mention later on that Aren herself possessed a pulsing light, or an inner light. She doesn't seem insane. But I could just be misunderstanding.
Altered this sentence a little to make it flow more smoothly.
He just stated that there were many dangers, so he clearly has a reason to guard her. Just a little inconsistent, is all. We all have this problem with our rough drafts.
This was the only tense slip I noticed. Just be careful.
Since we've already been given hints here and there that she doesn't have good standing or relationship with her family, I would suggest simplifying this part to get the point across.
Again, we're already learning so much about this world you've created, keep it as simple as possible.
Two things with this one. First, thoughts are usually in Italics. Second, I thought that a Guardian was appointed to someone for life. Does leaving the planet automatically absolve that relationship?
Overall, I enjoyed reading this. Keep going!
I love this
The descriptions are perfect, it's like I can picture everything that goes on. 
The opening is fantastic, it drags the reader in and completely sets the picture and tone of the story.
The characters are vivid and realistic. I like your character of Aren, she seems daring and isn't afraid to take risks. It's original.
Can't wait to read the rest
I really like this- I want to keep reading! I think this will go far. Keep it up!
o.o Check out all the wolf avvies lol
Anyways, thanks for telling me about this!
I'm glad to hear that I encouraged you to expand this into a novel. I mean, your previous short story was very nice and I could see a novel coming out of it.
Firstly, I'd like to compliment you on the opening. You did a fabulous job painting the scenery and I'm happy to say, I liked the colors you used. I know that probably sounds odd, but with all honesty, I think emerald is much better than the boring white that I had previously envisioned. The story's start was nice but a tad confusing. You have introduced us to a whole new word, remember to take things slowly. Not that this was too fast paced in any manor.
I caught a few misspelled worded, one being:
*survival.
I'm not sure if there were others but I'm not going back to check, I'm far too lazy for that.
But, regarding your descriptions and imagery, I think you did a pretty nice job. As for the first chapter, I think this could have been better, you dug straight into the main plot of the story and there wasn't really any attention grabber, nothing that truly pulled us into the story. That is one point I think you could have worked on. Attention grabbers are important, they catch the reader and keep us turning the page, if you involve too much problems in the first chapter, the reader can sometimes feel overwhelmed.
Anyway, character wise, there wasn't much to say. Your protagonist seems cool, although I swear the main character in your short story was a guy. O.o If I may, if you plan on following the same format as your short story, I would so use a male protagonist. Maybe it's just me, but I felt a deeper love for him and his struggles with the girl then I think I could have felt for a girl protagonist. Anyway, that's just me and I think I might have been swayed by his previous character a little. Haha, although, I'm still very interested in seeing where this female 'angel' is headed. What kind of troubles await for her on Earth and the trails she'll face to hopefully obtain a happy ending.
Casting all that aside, you seem to have a firm route planned. I'm sure you've already planned some of this out and I could see that since your writing was not messy, it was clear. In other words, you know where you're headed.
At this point, I'm not very sure what else to say. Beginning of a novel is a beginning and thus further reading will be needed in order to bring myself to truly critique this. Well, if you have any further questions or wish to discuss, I'm one PM away ^^
Cheers,
~Pink
Fixed those pesky comma errors! Thanks to denj!
Hey there Baywolf, happy I stumbled on your writing here.
First off, wow. That was my impression as I read more and more of this piece. It is really very good. The story captured my interest from the beginning, with Aren taking to the air. You've got a very, very interesting premise with this story, and I like it. It's a different take on the concept of angels. Your descriptions were excellent, giving me a clear mental picture of Arenstat.
I have next to no complaints, with grammar or content. I noticed that in a few places you neglected a comma before addressing a character by name in dialogue, e.g. "...I am aware by now that you think I'm in danger Gyre..." should be, "...I am aware by now that you think I'm in danger, Gyre..." But that's about all.
Great job. You've created a world and a cast of characters that are authentic, believable, and most importantly, original. I can't wait for chapter 2.
Keep it up.
Hey ho, Baywolf25,
I'd like to say that your story is off to a nice start. The descriptions really help me picture the Angels' world, and the mention of the Great Rebellion made me really curious to find out more. Are you drawing from the Bibical angelic rebellion in this story?
Also I love it when Aren says, "To Earth with protocol, Gyre!" It's a nice little turn of phrase that really adds to the feeling that this isn't our world.
I can't wait to find out what happens to Aren next!
Keep on writing!