Published April 16, 2006
if I could turn my eyes around
and view the gelatinous fillings of my skull
would it make me less of a man?
common sense dictates that if the blood in my veins
were to coagulate spon-taneously
then my mind's eye would project
outwards in a four-dimensional spiral
passing by viewing with curious fascinations
all the millions of tiny pieces of the world
made insignificant through biological conditioning
the less I perceive the more I am immersed in Maya
and the easier it becomes to breathe
the air that is this illusion
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140,820 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
It's excellent and very eye-opening, so to speak. It's good to see more poems like this. Really.
Great stuff.
The impressive vocabulary is okay for this poem, as I feel it added to your educated feeling. Just don't try to force it upon more passionate poems...or....softer ones. I felt this was impressive, interesting, and beautiful.
This is too long. Cut it down.
Keep writing! I loved the first three lines and want to hear more like this.
i liked it had the flow totally awesome i loved this bit
outwards in a four-dimensional spiral
passing by viewing with curious fascinations
that was great
I must say, this is quite awesome. I think the "polysyllabic words" give it character. Interesting style though. Awesome poem... very deep. I really enjoyed this, although I had to read it a couple times over to understand it completely. And by the way, welcome to the YWS!
Wow! this was really refreshing to me. You took a great idea and expanded it with excellent words. Great job.
The first three lines are sheer brilliance. After that, it seems a bit like an out-of-control carriage or something. I still liked the carriage part, and I liked the effect that it seemed as if the narrator was talking ever more quickly. But this poem would be better if you jharnessed in your thought, as you did in the first three lines. To tell you the truth, those lines remind me a bit of Dylan Thomas.
The polysyllabic words (as Jack notes) are a bit stunning at first. Afer a couple of rereadings (
) I thought that they set the tone well, bewildering complexity. But the imagery was vague for that, I think.
I liked it - in an odd, off-beat detached way. But a better balance in the flow and the complexity would likely make it a better read and more communicative to the audience.
As it is, the impression was dimensional - to look into oneself would be at least four dimensional, yes? Anyhow, that's the neat bit, and the part you might clear up.
That's all.
Woah. Did you just swallow a book of polysyllabic words? My brain hurts trying to decipher this. Lose some long adjectives, find some flow.