I am cosmic, and all sentience is my ward.
Every breath is an outward prayer.
All understanding is a ladder that we climb.
We think we are moving up, but we are moving
toward the center. I had so much to say
and at the time it was so urgent.
But suddenly I realize I am dying,
and the urgency scurries,
and the message becomes clear.
There is no hurry
between this life and the other.
There is no heartbeat that was promised me, no
reason that I should ignore
a single word that escapes your lips.
I should never be too busy to see outside of myself.
Simply put, I am a single point
on a thread which is an unobservable point
on a greater thread which changes
the nature of reality depending on
how it happens to vibrate.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,799 Literary Works • 673,688 Reviews
Like LittleCaroleen said there were very odd points within this poem where rhyme took places but there didn't seem to be a rhyming scheme.
Other than that I did enjoy this poem an awful lot. The mistakes I seen were already pointed out.
One of my favourite lines has to be
I found myself drawn to this line. I thought that it was phenomenal written and had me thinking too.
All in all I enjoyed this poem and the things I noticed were already pointed out. Happy writing!
I like it a fair amount. It's very beautifully composed, but I'm not sure about the rhyme scheme. I can see that there isn't one, but it's distracting that there are odd points in the poem where things rhyme.
There's also a few technical and spacing issues. You can clarify them, it's mostly opinionated.
"there is no heartbeat that was promised me"
I'm not sure what that's suppose to mean. Are you sure you didn't "there is no heartbeat that was promised to me"?
Also in that same line you put "no" after it. And then it carries on. I think you should put "no" at the beginning of the next line. I think it would flow better and be lest distracting.
It was a good poem and I hope to read more from you!
Hello, Knight Cailey here with a review for you!
I really liked this poem, it has a really thoughtful and meditative tone, which fits really nicely with the words as well. Also, I liked the flow, I didn't catch anywhere that didn't fit together or seemed out of place.
Although, I was wondering if you had a reason for the "no" at the end of the line: "There is no heartbeat that was promised me, no" If so then that's fine, but it just seems like a weird place to break the line, unless you have a specific reason for doing so.
I was going to say you should separate this into stanzas, but I changed my mind. I like how it's all together, almost like the thread that you talk about in the end.
I am confused about your use of "I" and "we". I think it would be good if you put some more explanation between who "we" is. Do you mean everybody in the world? Do you mean you and someone else specifically? Do you mean you and the reader? See if you can fit something in there just to explain the "we" and make a clearer transition between "we" and "I"
Also, at the beginning you have three short sentences, and it sounds a little bit choppy. Maybe you should try combining two of those or something so that it doesn't start off with that stop and go feeling that it has right now.
Other than that, nice job. I really like the rhythm and the tone of your piece. Although I'm curious to know how the title fits in? Maybe I just missed it, but I don't quite see how it fits with the rest of the poem.
Anyway, keep writing! -Knight Cailey