Published March 22, 2013
I can elicit a response: a slight crinkling of the speech,
ash residue and mechanically separated fears.
I can make you respond, but you
by your very being can make me weep.
I can be a falcon for you but I can be nothing more,
erect feathers in the sun like a lamborghini door.
And to your neighbour I am a glass jar on a forgotten shelf,
and to your teacher I am the nova itself, ejecting spiral eyes.
And I am demon to those with occluded minds:
a creature of judgment am I.
For, we all have made each other so.
If to digress is to justify chaos,
then progress is frivolity.
Let's take a trip down memory lane--
of the entire species:
"There once was a man
who deemed other types of men inferior
and he is now king because he had ambition."
The end.
I just planted a seed in your mind.
You. Yes, you.
No not you, reader, such thoughts are never to be read.
Such thoughts are to dashed on cutting boards like doll heads,
prophetic gasps scrawled on labyrinth walls,
tesseracts! buried with the dead.
You can stretch your arm in the sunlight
in front of me and I will see
the fallen blonde hairs on your arm who are
trying to raise themselves up.
I can see dust like photosynthetic snow,
and every particle has it's own eclipse.
In the minute beauties God hides his taunts.
Anyone can elicit a response.
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140,831 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
Ariel here to leave a review! Goooo Team Orange!
Wow. This was crazy good. It was.. pretty hard to understand, but asdfghjkl, it was beautiful.
So, it didn't make much sense, but then again, who says it has to? It was a well written poem, and it was great, especially the imagery. Thank you for using some great advanced words, it helped back the poem seem intellectual and sophisticated. It painted some nice pictures in my mind, yes.
I detected no rhyme scheme here, which is okay. Some line shere and there, like:
No not you, reader, such thoughts are never to be read.
Such thoughts are to dashed on cutting boards like doll heads.
They rhymed, whereas others didn't. Not a big problem, to me anyways.
I don't know what else to say, but that isn't a problem, either. There were no grammer mistakes, nor spelling errors or punctuations misplaces as far as I could see. So, kudos on that!
Overall, great poem. Very abstract, very different and unique. Also, the avi. Love it. Good luck and keep up the awesome work!
Cheers.~
xx Ariel.
Hi there BarretBenedict! I was sort of confused at this.
I really wanted to like it because it has so much potential,but it seemed almost joky in places.....maybe that;s just who you are. But,because poem is so solemn and deep in the beginning..when this little humour bubbles pop up it seems almost like you're not taking yourself too seriously. Joky bits:
"the end"
"You.Yes,you"
"No,not you reader"
I am sure there are other little tidbits you can out in there that would work fine and seem a little more uniform with what else is in the poem.
I also have to agree with my partner in name below,your structure was not the best.
I understand that when writing,we sometimes bend the structure so that it seems wacky or original..but for certain poems it just makes more sense to stick with what is simple and let your use of words make a statement. Skyexxx
Okay, first thing I notice just scrolling down the poem is your lining, it is bumpy. I mean that as in you go from long lines to short lines where it is not necessary. Like the first stanza, it would look more professional like this (In my opinion)
"I can elicit a response: a slight crinkling of the speech,
ash residue and mechanically separated fears.
I can make you respond,
but you by your very being can make me weep."
Or if you don't like it like that and still want it to look more professional, you can take the "but you by your very being" to the line above it. I just don't like how you ended that. Your second stanza, wow, so much power! I love that! But you had one misspelling it should be "neighbor" not "neighbour". And then again with the lining for stanzas three and four, they should be together and the lines three and four should be one, as well as the fifth and sixth in the third stanza.
You have amazing grammar through out the whole poem, a few errors with your lining and punctuation. But I feel as though I am nagging with that. I hope you consider my comments but don't take them to heart, I know at times my criticism can be rough. I can't wait to see more of your work, if all of it is as powerful as this piece is, then I am sure to love it.
Noted.