Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi, Barrett!
My first thought was that this seemed more like a poem than a song, as I think Heather below has mentioned. But, it's okay! Let me just give you a few quick comments that first come to my mind!
I really like the "ee" rhymes that most of the lines end with! It's not that obvious, is it, when you just look at the words quickly. But I think that's the real beauty of it.
You have some really nice images here like "your words aren't ripe yet" and "the metronome of our needs / is running out of synch". The rhythm of the poem is overall pretty smooth and nice to read, but the line "and pretend that last night was a dream" disturbs it quite a lot. It's so much longer than the other lines, and that's why it really stands out in an unpleasant way.
Overall, I thought this was quite lovely! I like the field setting, it's somehow peaceful.
Demeter
x
Hello there! Here to review!
First off, I'm not a big fan of things written without punctuation. It's just not my style. But I really liked this. Just a few nitpicks though.
I think you mean breathe.
Fields of burning what?
Wow. After re-reading it again, I've come to the conclusion that this was bloody fantastic. Good job. Kudos!
This doesn't feel like lyrics to me, more like a poem, so I'll try not to review it with a category in mind on this occasion as then you'd just have me rambling about how you need a different format and a chorus etc
Expand on this image please! What are the armies built out of? They're in a field so- corn? Or- I don't know. It's your image and it's difficult to picture at the moment so give us something solid to go with it. Tell us about these armies!Specifics
1. I think you need to tweak a few things to fix the flow of this and I always have trouble explaining myself here. But! I don't think 'yet' is necessary as the very function of ripening suggests they get there eventually so it feels surplus and this tone feels a little too passive. Sometimes that works but I don't think your theme is revolutionary enough to carry a passive tone.
I hope you don't mind me playing with your words, but I can explain myself better by showing you what I'd do so I'll take the first few lines as an example:
your words haven't ripened,
their taste is empty-sweet
and the way your eyes breathe
2. I'm not sure how line three flows into four. They don't seem to have a connection and the sudden switch in perspective from your to I is very jarring. I think you need another line in between to smooth the flow.
3. The next few lines are lovely; not much to comment on really.
4.
5. A good use of half rhymes toward the end there and there's a strong rhythm beating through.
Overall
This is a good start but it feels like a start to me and not an entirety. I need more description and expansion on what is here. It's such a very short image and there's not enough sense of these two as individuals or their story, what brings them to these fields. I don't know if they're running from someone or just wanting to be together and a lot of your ideas feel unfinished, such as the words not being ripe yet. That would suggest some discontent or unfulfillment in the relationship but you don't follow it up later.
I also want to know more of 'last night' and whether there were bad things said or something went wrong. It feels like too much of the story is left out at the moment and we're given vague impressions and left to guess the rest.
Hopefully this will help you on your way, all the best,
Heather xx
Wow, this is amazing! I can't find any faults, it just seeps emotion. Well done!
This is really good. I read it over and over, trying to find out the meaning, but I cannot find one. And that's why I love it. It's very emotional. Usually, when people do not use punctuation, I find it to be empty, but this is perfect. Really good job. I like the part, "the skin is peeling, and there's nothing underneath." I especially love how you closed it: "And kiss each other's feet." Keep writing - you have a lot of potential!