Published January 27, 2010
It happened during a philosophy lecture. We were three hours in, and I was fading. Time crawled like a sick cat. My cognizance began to recede. Noises and peripheral movements began to take on subconscious guises, growing wings and devilling about. A haze fell over my five senses and dream began to sneak its way in. Unvoiced notions began to congregate at the border, gnawing stealthily at the breaking point.
“Let us in,” they cried. “Or let us out.”
I could not hear their voices, so they broke out.
It seemed to me at the time, that an enormous electrical discharge had passed between my eyes. Small noise ceased, leaving only an omnipresent thrumming from far above, higher than all things of life, yet in a pitch lower than the dead.
I would say that I sprang to my feet, but this is inaccurate. I was sprung to my feet, an inchoate gibber escaping my throat. The people around me tried to restrain me, but they did not understand: I was no longer wholly of this world.
“I can see every cell in your body!” I screamed in a dead language to the man at my arm. “I can see even what they aspire to be!”
Bone sprouted like the leg of some great insect from my shoulder blade, piercing the ground and lifting me in a fulcrum to my feet. The front wall crumbled at my glance and I was flung toward the open air, under the sole volition of this new limb.
As I departed I took the cries of surprise around me and transmuted the sounds as if by alchemy into pure Greek fire. They danced and shrieked and their shrieking only fueled the heat that liquefied their bones. I launched through the opening, and began to fall three stories to the ground, already meticulating my wings from the aether of the impossible.
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140,820 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
I liked this well enough. An interesting start to a story that could be even greater, if the events that follow this one are just as good.
The only thing I saw that you might consider taking a look at is the part where the protagonist is being transformed.
You wrote: “I can see every cell in your body!” I screamed in a dead language to the man at my arm. “I can see even what they aspire to be!” and that is fine, but I think it would add more to the scene if you actually delved into the dead language; say, write a bit of that into the dialogue instead of just having your character state that he said it in said dead language. That was the only thing I saw that could use some fixing. Otherwise, this was an excellent short piece.
First off, thanks for your review, Olli. Second off: oy vey! You're actually asking me to reduce the quality of my work by dumbing it down? I might suggest TV as an alternative to telling the author to change his demographic. All of art is a struggle to lift one's self higher, so no, dumbing down is not really an option. It's fantasy fiction because fantastic things happen in it, and that has nothing to do with the age group it's geared towards.
It's ok, though *smooths tail feathers* you did say it was super amazing, so thanks for that. As for reading some more, I can only say; not from this piece. This one is deliberately short. But fear not! Dreams intermingling with reality is one of my favorite themes.
Sorry to be lame, but this sounds too 'grown up' to be a fantasy fiction. Unless your target audience are adults; then i'm totally wrong. but try to hmm... 'dmb it down' a little so people can really feel for your peice. Still super amazing. I would love to read some more.
--ollie
Hi, PenNPaper here.
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I found your story interesting, what I understand is your MC changes her whole body during a class, and then sprouts wings and flies. Very imaginative and very creative, and kinda gross too
If you could not hear their voices, how do you know what they said? Or has someone commented on that already?
That's all for now, Adios~
Why thank you. It's interesting that you mention my vocabulary, as there is at least one completely made up word in here. See if you can spot it.
Hey there! I found your story very interesting; to be honest, I was confused by some of your descriptions and what was happening, but I got the general gist and was fascinated by the change the MC is going through.
If he couldn't hear them saying this, how is he able to show that they said it?
Not really much more I found aside from what I mentioned above about being confused; your vocabulary is brilliant though, and you have a good writing style.