z

Young Writers Society



Ask the Horse

by BarrettBenedict


Three whole days since I saw your eyes
But that’s not where the hunger hides
Your sins so old they’ve worn away
So hard to read between the lies

Chimera cracks whips on your back
It paints your sight in dying hues
Starve the child, the ghoul grows fat
Feed the beast that now becomes you

[Chorus]

So high now, but where is your might?
Stalk the day, haunt the night
Behind every word I hear that cry
We’re all so weak why should we even try?

Laughter forced to chase the echoes
Ghost choirs of life laid waste
I never knew of such a sound
Could wither whole moments away

Ask the horse now where you’re headed
Your fate betrayed all for a ride
When you led the best to water
It sprouted wings and drank the sky

So high now, but where is your might?
Stalk the day, haunt the night
Behind every word I hear that cry
We’re all so weak why should we even try?

Where, oh where are your loving arms?
Tears in the rain, dreams age with time
How long since it fled you your warmth?
Long caress once held your head high

That horizon you now look to
A loveless void where stars once shown
I’ll follow you to every end
But from that edge you sail alone

The living should never be used
To serve the purposes of the dead

So high now, but where is your might?
Stalk the day, haunt the night
Behind every word I hear that cry
We’re all so weak why should we even try?

You don’t resemble your mistakes
Just my choices, I tell your lies
So many scars cloud your features
They pass for skin to untrained eyes

At this precipice you rightly
Tremble sweating viscous pools, of
Some other poor fool’s denial
It must be, oh lord, it must be

So high now, but where is your might?
Stalk the day, haunt the night
Behind every word I hear that cry
We’re all so weak why should we even try?

Your ghost has given itself up
I wish I didn’t have to try
A habit is no fun to haunt
Three whole days since I saw your eyes

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User avatar
13 Reviews

Points: 1569
Reviews: 13

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Sun Mar 22, 2009 2:56 pm
bassplayinfreak3 wrote a review...



wow, i really like this.
Lil_Pau has a point that this is lyrics for a song, so it might go into lyrics.
but, lyrics are only poetry that can comfertably be put into song. with a chorus.

speaking of chorus, i love your word choice. The chorus is one of the most powerful stanzas, and repeating it after every two verses or so really affects the reader. I know it affected me.

my favorite stanza:
[quote] Ask the horse now where you’re headed
Your fate betrayed all for a ride
When you led the best to water
It sprouted wings and drank the sky

i love the meaning of this stanza; stuck on a horse, who knows where you're going to go.

And i love the kind of dig-for-it meaning. to get the purpose of your poem/lyrics, the reader must not only read the words, but read between the lines to get it. i guess just as the speaker had to read between the lines for the audience, as you stated in the first stanza.

Overall, i loved it. I would love to hear it put to music. I know that it would flow amazingly.

Amazing.
<3<3<3

Danyelle




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73 Reviews

Points: 297
Reviews: 73

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Sat Mar 21, 2009 3:46 pm
BarrettBenedict says...



Meaning lost; seems to be a common thread. But I won't hold it against you, because you have a cat with a chicken head as your avatar. And that is just groovy.
This is about watching someone you love slip into addiction. Now I've just gone and shown my hand. I never did have a good poker face.
Keep it Jesus.

-Barrett




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206 Reviews

Points: 5715
Reviews: 206

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Fri Mar 20, 2009 1:34 am
Lil_Pau wrote a review...



Wow, I really liked this. It was done in a unique way. I didn't know what to expect when I clicked on this topic. Anyway, the only problems were:

Punctuation: I see the question marks, but don't forget the commas and full-stops!

Meaning: The meaning here is quite vague. I didn't get some of the parts. The words are pretty, but they don't seem to carry any significant meaning.

Also, I think this should be in the 'lyrics' forum. Please don't get confused between 'lyrics' and 'lyric poetry!' ^^

Overall, this was really creative. I liked the wording. Just improve the poem by punctuating it and making your message clearer.
Keep up the good work, and keep writing! :)





By the sweat of your brow you will eat your food until you return to the ground, since from it you were taken; for dust you are and to dust you will return.
— Genesis 3:19