z

Young Writers Society



My Greatest Fear

by BaronLoucandrius


My Greatest Fear

There is a time,
when in your mind.
Where fears appear,
there is no cheer.

There will come a fear,
that will hit you near.
With a saddened frown,
I let her down.

She had faith,
that went to waste.
My greatest fears,
are in mom’s tears.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

This is an old poem I wrote about six or seven years back.
I did something that upset my mom, I suppose I wrote this to cheer her up.
Just thought I'd share.


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109 Reviews


Points: 6829
Reviews: 109

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Fri May 06, 2011 6:16 am
AdoxagraphyAngelus wrote a review...



This was an interesting piece. :) It could be lengthened, but I'll just look over what you have here. :)

There is a
time,
when in your mind#FF0000 ">.
Where fears appear,
there is no cheer.


The period in this stanza, after when in your mind, needs to be a comma. It's very interesting, though a bit confusing. Maybe, lengthening it, and adding some metaphors would help this. Not that it's bad, but it could add some spark.

There will come a fear,
that will hit you near.
With a saddened frown,
I let her down.


This stanza is really, really awesome. I adored it. :)

She had faith,
that went to waste.
My greatest fears,
are in mom’s tears.


I can't really say anything about this stanza except how sweet this is. It's very sweet, though short. I really think that if you lengthened it a bit, it would help the poem over-all. I think it's more of a turn off to read an extremely short poem than it is to read a really long poem.

The reason you wrote it is very sweet. :) I'm sure your mom loved it as well. Well done. :)




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Points: 1040
Reviews: 17

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Fri May 06, 2011 5:47 am



This piece was decent, but rather short. I think you should revise and make a little longer. Good idea though. Please check out some of my stuff sometime! Cheers and keep up the good work.





I think that was when I began to realize that reputation isn't everything. I should focus less about how others perceive me and more about what makes me happy. Because, in the end, I have to live with myself.
— Seraphina