Published March 5, 2010
Rain’s eyes stung, her running legs were a throbbing red, her black hair smoked, all because of the Burning. Sprinting on a bed of smoldering stones, Rain had no time to think, but one question haunted her mind. How long would she last, before she was covered in red, and put in the hard airless ground with her family? No one survived the Burning unless they were strong or smart, Rain was neither. That was the point, to weed out the lesser beings. Using death.
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Hey there bandgeek, I'll be your reviewer. I'll get right to the meat of the section:
There should be a period after "Rain's eyes stung."
It should probably read like, "Rain's eyes stung. Her running legs were a throbbing red and her black hair smoked, all because of the Burning."
It makes it more technically correct, and doesn't change things too much.
I always have the same problem that you do in this sentence! Too many commas! In all honesty, none of them are necessary! It makes the sentence choppy, and it's not even grammitcally correct. Take 'em out!
You need to add that and in there (The one I put in)
Okay so something seems off to me here, but I can't quite identify it. See, I really like the ending with 'Using death.' as the end, but the other sentence bothers me. But, I can't change those two sentences without making 'using death' a part of it. Here would be my suggestions although I don't know if I like:
"That was the point though. To weed out the lesser beings. Using death."
I know it's not technically correct, but I still like it. You could use commas and make it something like:
"That was the point of it though, to weed out the lesser beings. Using death."
I actually like ^^ kind of. Well it's really up to you since you're the author, but those are just my suggestions.
The last sentence really hooks the reader, moi, on to the rest of the story. I'll be interested to see more and know more about Rain and her background. (If you're making more that is.) Well PM me if you have an questions.
Keep writing,
Kate
Really nice. I think it has a pretty good flow. Good job.
Cool sci-fi story! I love the this sentence:
That was the point, to weed out the lesser beings. Using death.
Instead of her running legs were a throbbing red, maybe:
Rain's eyes stung, as she ran her legs were covered in a throbbing red, her black hair smoked...
Great job overall!