Published June 16, 2009
Butterflies when you’re here
Heart ache when you’re gone.
But I am truly happy
That no longer I am alone.
Whether I’m in your arms
Or you’re smiling at me.
I feel like I belong
You fill my heart with glee.
I’m so glad we are together now
Even if for only a short time.
I’m going to enjoy these days with you
Because for now, you’re all mine.
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139,535 Literary Works • 672,600 Reviews
Nice poem. Can tell that you're writing from your heart, not just cos someone forced you to spit out something. Although some points can be improved on.
Quoted from: viewarticlebody.php?t=18790
"Don’t tell us how you feel, NO, don’t even show us how you feel. Make us feel it. Emotional poetry often times turn into, to steal Snoink’s word, a shopping list. You list the things that happened, followed by a few lines of boo-hoo’s, and call it a day. This isn’t good enough. Put us in your seat, and yes do tell us why we are feeling this way, but make sure we feel it. You want to make us cry/scream/laugh/freak out, what ever you are feeling you want the reader to feel. This is just as close to ‘show, don’t tell’ as poetry will ever get, because telling is the most boring thing in the world. Showing is one step up, and from there is feeling."
It sounds very harsh, but it's kinda true. Maybe you can show rather than tell? I'm sure once you have that in mind, plus all that emotion from this love, you'd be writing even better.
I'd have to agree with the first two. I do believe that there were some weak points in the poem where it was cliche, but what I've learned is that when there's really strong emotion behind something where it's really hard to find words for, it often comes out like that. To change it up a little bit, maybe switch up the vocabruary and maybe add a little bit on.
And just to add a sugar coated comment, I definitely see you as a lyricist someday.
This is a very nice poem. I felt like this when I had my first boyfriend, and you have great diction to describe the feelings of first love.
Even though the imagery you provided is used in many other works, I think you used it very well. It truly made it seem more innocent, and that makes it beautiful.
I liked how you used a similar rhyme (they sound the same but don't completely rhyme) in lines 10 and 12. Very well done.
Keep writing!
I like this, but I agree with kris on the bad points. It could use a little improvement.
Keep Writing
-Flower-
Awww what a lovely poem. It really was. It spoke of a sweet innocent love, that for me seems pretty remote these days haha.
Much of the imagry was cliché, of course it was. However I don't seem to mind at all because it seemed to intensify this aura of innocence. So there >_<
The ryhming structure was a little inconsistant though and made for an irksome read at points.
Very well done though, an overall good poem.
Keep at it love ^_^
Kris
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