Published August 26, 2009
I cried over you, I fought hard for us,
You never cared! And its me you don’t trust?
YOU acted the way you did,
You lied, you insulted, you treated me like s***!
The pain, the sorrow you put me through,
I’ve cracked, it’s over; I’m done with you!
You’re out of my plans, you’re out of my phone,
Don’t call, don’t message just leave me alone.
You say its time to forgive and forget,
I will never forgive you, but I will forget you.
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Canary word: Present
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140,602 Literary Works • 673,549 Reviews
Okay, I'm Vernon and I'll be your reviewer. Now, this poem is a rant, it's got nothing worth while. Harsh but true, understand this poem makes me feel nothing and I've heard the concept in so much mainstream music and emo poetry. You have to understand this now, poetry is show don't tell, make the reader feel. Make the reader feel what it's like to have their heart torn out and stomped on. Otherwise it comes off as a blog rant or something you should keep for your diary.
This is the strongest line, but when writing in poetry, try to use I less, make the person feel it, don't lock them out with being so personal.
My best advice is to delete this and start over, harsh but true, I'm afraid.
Good luck
VSN
Wow, that is a lot of emoticons o.O lol! Anways, I‘m Roon and I‘m here to review! I think this poem has a lot of potential. I’m going to start with nitpicks:
I think you should either just say it and give it a rating, or find some other word to use. The *’s are… I don’t know, it doesn’t fit this emotional poem to hold back.
I think you could find a better phrase than ‘I’ve cracked.’ even snapped would fit better here, but that’s not a great one either. I don’t really have any ideas.
This sounds so forced, sorry to say that, but it really does.
I think that’s it so well done in terms of spellings and grammar. One thing I would suggest is breaking the poem up a little with stanza breaks. It would look better that way, and they say it’s all in the presentation.
I think, for the most part, your rhyme scheme is very well done, except for the lines I pointed out. It’s hard to achieve this so kudos to you! Your emotion comes over brilliantly, and it’s a topic I’m sure we can all relate to, so well done for taking something ‘normal’ and making it different. Your writing style is to be commended!
If you have, a problem or, a question about anything I’ve said, please let me know. If you ever need another review I would e happy to help! Thank you for your time!
~ Roon
hey wiz here
i suck at writing crits so, here we go down the track of horror.
This poem screams at me. somthing similar happened to me so
it has emotion rolling out in waves and the words danced in preaty lines as i read. you are a great poet by the way
not one mispell.
i think if you had any ideas that this could be extended to a longer poem.
TO ATTENTION!!!!
SALUT!
bye